How to deal with a sexually abusive father?

Question

I have some traumatic memories from childhood which involve 'mild' sexual abuse at the hands of my father. I have tried to supress those memories and not to deal with them but they surface every now and again. Needless to say I have been estranged from my father for a long time now and I think he is mentally ill person who needs help but is too arrogant to go seek it.

It is sad because if not for this, i could see me and him being great friends. We both have an intellectual streak and share alot of the same interests.

Firstly, let me thank you all for taking the time to respond. Your responses were almost all intelligent and to the point. May God bless you all.

1. I have never considered contacting the authorities because it would hurt me tremendously to see the shame and humiliation it would cause to my mother and the rest of my family.

2. I do go visit my therapist regularly but have never mentioned this sad episode in my life. I suffer from depression and anxiety overall.

3. I am torn often betwen feelings of rage and hatred towards my father and feelings of pity. I know that he must have had a pretty shabby childhood himself though this does not excuse his behavior.

4. I have tried talking to my mother about this (I did not tell her that it happened to me but that her husband is a pedophile, and is sick and in need of help) she denied it and continues to be in denial.

Answer 1

go talk to a councilor.. you have been avoiding this for so long that you will have a few too many layers to deal with.. you speak of him being too arrogant to seek help.. make sure this isn't a trait you share with him.

Answer 2

If you weren't an intelligent person I wouldn't suggest this but you are so you should confront your father intellectually. Tell him about your memories and that you want to talk to him about how it has been bothering you. If you just go seek counseling for yourself you will not be over this. Most of your problem is the loss of your father. If there is something there go meet the problem where it lives, not in a Dr's office. It is probably bothering him almost as bad as you. I can hear people saying it now "forget about what the pervert is feeling" but we are talking about you not him. It is not going to be good for you to hang him by his genitals in the park, you need whatever YOU need. I think you can figure out what that is. Don't worry about what others think is best for you or what is right or wrong. What will work for you is what you need to do.

Answer 3

While I was reading your question it struck me that it could have been written by me. Every single word of it is me, except that I'm older now (60). It took me until my late thirties or early forties before I was able to shake it completely. I didn't go for counseling and I never got the nerve to confront him and tell him what a sick man he was. I regret that and always will and now it's too late. What I came to realize is that those of us who have gone through this need to take the responsibility of making sure that person doesn't victimize anyone else. You need to make sure that anyone who has kids of the age he likes to mess with knows this about him and keeps them away from him. You need to do this no matter how painful or scary it is for you , otherwise, you will have to hold yourself guilty along with him for the damage done to others. There is no such thing as having a normal relationship with these pedofiles and they can't be cured. If it's not too late to do so you should check into filing charges against him as well. It's the only thing that has even the slightest chance of stopping these guys.

Answer 4

I would encourage contacting the authorities. I hope there have not been multiple victims, but there may have been, and still is the potential for more (Grandchildren, other relatives, etc.). You say he needs help. So you may need to help him. Some prisions have programs that help this. I worked with offenders, and many did not even see that they were hurting others until they had a lot of time to think about it.

Answer 5

you need to worry about you first, not your father. you should find a good therapist who can help you deal with this stuff. Your father may be a great guy, but you should definitely talk to a professional. don't worry about what your dad may need, worry about you right now. then, after you are healthy, talk to your therapist about how to reconnect with your father.


Also, if you talk to your therapist about this it may help you with your anxiety and depression. PLEASE talk to him/her about this - it is eating you up from the inside out

Answer 6

You're right it is sad. However, know that you are not to blame all men. Most of them are'nt that way. Love yourself as you love others. And may God bless you.