I cant seem to make new friends... is it me?

Question

Firstly just like to state the following before i ask. That i suffer from depression, which i am not taking anything for. Regular exercise (weight training and cardio) and improving diet on a daily baises is keeping me happy on that end. But still get severe swings.

I had lost friends since i left my boarding school.They moved back to their country, or are far away. while i am still in England. My last term of university, and i havent made any friends. Even the 1 close friend i made, failed the course, and went back to France.

Now whoever i seem to talk to, or whatever the word is, we just dont connect ever. No matter what i try. I tried being overly nice, doesnt work. I tried being the exact opposite, works to an extent, but still people lose interest and leave.

How do i find out what is causing this? I have never felt more alone in my life. It causes me to think sucidal thoughts. How do i know what part of my personality is causing this? I just dont get this life

seems like there is no way to find my answer. ive tried everything listed on the first 7 answers. I keep attempting it tho. Just get nowhere. I wish i was a tree or something. No need for communication. just grow and grow. hate this life and its system. all the dumb ones have friends in the tripple digits, since not much to share anyway

why does everyone just say "they will come" just be patient???? i am 22 years old. it never happened!!!!!

Answer 1

....I have kind of the same problem, I have depressions, too and I can´t let anybody near me, it´s like there´s a wall between me and all the other people, if you want, we can be penpals (my email adress is in my profile).....perhaps we can exchange our experiences....

Answer 2

I think Arwen has given some good advice - perhaps see a counselor and be as open as possible to the get the most out of it. This would be probably be the most effective method, as a counselor would be able to figure out what's going wrong.

In general, I think it helps to show an interest in people and be nice rather than the opposite. It really helps to be proactive, since in school we may have gotten used to friendships occurring quite easily without much effort. If you are at University, you could join some clubs (something you're genuinely interested in) and maybe you could meet some people there.

Answer 3

Have you tried talking to your doctor? It sounds like your depression is still affecting certain areas of your life, possibly indirectly through past experiences. Maybe your early experiences of friendship were negative, and that is still in the back of your mind, affecting your actions and reactions towards others now.

Either way, to attract people and make friends requires considerable ongoing effort, which you will not be able to make if you are not feeling on form. So it might be worth looking into medication or alternative remedies to help you keep a good balance internally and feel better within yourself.

There may be more to this problem than initially appears... it is possible that maybe your doctor has missed something else. For example, you are saying that you find it hard to make and keep friends, feel lonely and isolated and don't really understand the world. This sounds very like Asperger's Syndrome, and people who have this can develop depression too. I'm not in any way saying that you actually have aspergers, but it could be a possibility and worth checking out. ( see http://www.nas.org.uk/ )

My advice is that you make a visit to your doctor and be as open as possible about these problems you are having. Give specific examples and explain how much of an impact it is having on your life. You may benefit from counselling also.

Frustrating as it is, there is no quick fix to your situation, and whatever treatments you may try will take time to work and require a great deal of patience and perseverance. Even if you do feel better within yourself, it will still take a huge effort on your part to re-learn certain behaviours, to work up the courage to befriend people and keep those friendships going.

Don't try to change yourself overnight, but do gradually try to take small steps, such as saying hello to your classmates, asking if they had a good weekend and so on. Again a counsellor could advise you on this and take you through it step by step, whilst helping you to build up your confidence.

It is a tough world out there, all you can do is try and make the best of it. Just concentrate on getting yourself through each day.

Answer 4

Hey, selmanito. I'm not going to be like the others and say "Me too..." I might think I have a small bit of that problem, but I don't - it's really just how I perceive it.

But I have another idea you can try! I hope that this helps. It's something I learned talking to my shrink.

I have noticed that some people seem nicer, or more charismatic than others. I think there are different reasons for different people/personalities, but one type in particular is easy to mimic.

Everyone has problems. Yeah yeah yeah... heard it all before. But some have worse problems than others. And I think you might be one of those people. And while you may have a legit reason to talk about those problems, or your life, or just to soak up that attention that you crave, it is a turn off to others. It sucks, because the one thing you NEED right now is to talk to others.

But let's start small. The next stranger you run into, try a little small talk. Only this time, don't tell them ANYTHING about yourself unless they specifically ask you. Keep your answer short if they do. Your job here is to ask THEM questions. Ask how their day is going. If they are working, ask how long they have been doing that. The key here is for you to keep them talking about themselves.

We all want to talk about ourselves. If you ask someone to talk about themselves, they will do so readily. And they will keep going. Eventually, they will want to know more about you, and start asking YOU questions. Just maintain control, and don't tell your whole life story at the first chance you get. Keep your conversation interactive!

It will take some practice, especially if you are shy. Some people won't be very good conversationalists. But just keep at it. I think before you know it, you'll be having repeat conversations just for the sake of the conversation. A true frendship.

Answer 5

Most people suffer depression some time in their life, it does not make you a leper,as you are at uni there must be loads going on around you, ouside uni.Try to get in touch with your friend that went back to France, email or phone, that will cheer you up for a while, maybe you could go over and see him for a few days, the change of scene will do you good. As you do not like medication you could try St John's wart from Hollan and Barret, it helps with depression and if you get realy down you can always get in touch with me. I have had depression on and off for years and like you do not take anything but maybe you could see a doctor and have a chat. It could be that the strees of taking exams etc is bringing you dow. Take care.

Answer 6

I dont think people have too many friends.Even if you are having too many friends only one or two will be close friends.Underlying cause of friendship is common interest.You should have many interests,hobbies and a chearful out look to get friends.Never be gloomy.Always be chearful.Always be in the croud and not alone.Join some socoal service groups.Friendhip is being together for a common interest.Apply these principles.Read the book "How to win friends......".Good Luck.

Answer 7

I think sometimes, the way to cope with this, is to put this as a part of you 1st, that you can't make friends is you ....then don't rush into people like that, you will always feel miserable because you'll always think they will hurt you and it will ..I've been there and still struggling of it ...The idea is to build your own world and let people get to you ...By not rushing into them, you will be noticed for who you are, and they will get closer to know you better , and at that time, be open to them, and show them, that you are not, what they think you are ...It works for me, and at the end, I had a lot of people who appreciated me for that ....!! human relations are not easy ..if this is not your best feature then don't worry about it, focus on another area of your life ..and not everybody are successful ar making friends ..I realized that ..and you think that when you do the 1st step, it is not easy, let them come to you, and make steps with them, and they help make other friends ..and be more open ...sometimes, it's one friend that chooses you that will draw you to many others ...
Hope that helps !!

Good Luck !!

Answer 8

well, as you have said, you are trying so hard to be wanted. However, that's probably not what they want. Just have to act normal. I understand that It might be sad to be null of friends, but, they'll come around. Just have to wait. Simply, be nice. Being nice means "not doing bad, and just quite a bit more." Being overly nice, is understandably, motive-bound.

Answer 9

i wish this does not sound harsh or mean - yet possibly you're trying too not undemanding? by potential of that I mean, human beings tend to be interested in comfortable people who already have acquaintances as they see that they should have something stable to offer to a friendship. i've got been there before once I moved far off from abode and that i could not meet new human beings. such as you, i'm friendly and exciting yet human beings appeared to sense i had to make acquaintances and subsidized off. i be conscious of you have tried golf equipment and so on yet save at them and as quickly as human beings get to realize you they're going to initiate chatting and it will flow from there. stable luck - and save attempting. As they say "Strangers are purely acquaintances you have not met yet" - cheesy yet form of real.

Answer 10

if you havent sought medical help then do so -please! my dad was bi-polar for 40 years before he had help and he's happier than he's ever been in his life, everytheng has gone right for him now he just regrets not getting the help sooner. i also suffer with swings and my husband finds it difficukt to deal with, just be yourself and im sure you will meet understanding friends soon. when you feel suicidal try going to sleep, it may sound daft but it works for me and ive attempted three times-the feeling will pass and you may feel better when you wake up. good luck x

Answer 11

you have got sucidal thoughts and you really think that people on here can help you out?? i cant tell you why you cant find friends,whether its them or you but i do advise you to see a therapist because you need to change your attitude towards life