My husband knew about my past when he married me but said it would be okay and he would forget about it once we were married. I have two children [16 and 6] by two different fathers. One of my exes was marriedwhen I first met him. This is what troubles my husband. So he is horrible to me all the time and I work really hard for him looking after his buisness when hes overseas, but when he comes home he shows me no affection and love and when I ask why and get upset, because he used to, he says he cant because of my past and he hates me.
I want a divorce but he wont talk about it and says he wants to work at the marraige and not give up on it like me, but I cant live like this, its torture and I cry all the time because I love him and he is so awful to me . Except in front of people then hes charming and acts the perfect husband ! He doesnt want others to see the way he treats me. Its just hell lieing next to someone in bed whom you love but will not even hold your hand !
2007-05-06 18:38:33 · 30 answers · asked by mermaid 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Ask him what his reason is for wanting to stay married to you. Does he really love you and want to work things out? If this is the case , he should be willing to go to some marriage counseling. A third party is needed to work thru problems of this level . If he is not willing to go , then what is his reason for wanting to stay married? If his reason is something other than love you probably should get out. Some people stay married because they think it would LOOK BAD to break up , or they need to married in order to advance at their job, or they just want a woman to clean their house and be available for sex.
It is important to find out if he thinks he loves you. If he really loves you , he should be work on forgiving you. You cannot truly love someone and refuse to forgive them. The grudge just grows and eats up all the love.
No one is perfect , including him. He may have guilt feelings himself about something and is taking it out on you.
Whatever you did in your past has already been done and you have already suffered the consequences of those things . You do not need any added punishment from him.
It is not a spouse's place to punish their partner for their sins. It is a spouse's job to be forgiving and love you unconditonally. Unconditional love is the only real love . It means loving someone no matter what mistakes they make or have made in their past.
Marriage cannot last without unconditonal love. If he can't give you this love , he may have guilt issues or some issues of feeling bad about himself. He wants you to fix all of his problems but you can't. He has to do that himself.
See if he is willing to go to counseling. If not you really need to put your needs and the needs of your children first.
If you do decide to work on things , see if he will read a book with you called - The Five Love Languages / reading this book together would be a good start.
God bless and remember God forgives you so it is okay to forgive yourself. No one has the right to punish you forever for your mistakes. It is very unfair.You have the right to start each day anew. You do not have tp carry yesterday's mistakes with you into today. All you should be expected to do - and all you CAN do - is to live today the best you can.
Love
2007-05-06 18:54:53 · answer #1 · answered by entropyluck 1 · 3⤊ 0⤋
Your past is your past...you can't change it...but it is exactly that, Its in the past. Your husband knew this when he married you & I'm sure he has done things that you find hard to accept.
You sound as though you regret what happened in your past & it is eating away at you. First forgive yourself...it happened, its over...we all do things we regret ...
Now you need to sit down with your Husband & together try & work through these issues...If you just can't seem to find away to find the love you had again I think you should tell him you will not waste any more time in your life by being so unhappy & feeling worthless, Its a bad environment to bring up Children in & you don't want them to feel as though its normal because they then will carry these problems into relationships of their own.
Life is short. If your husband cannot find it in his heart to forgive you...Do something positive for you & your Children, seek to start divorce proccedings, Maybe when you are settled down your Husband will regret his actions but whatever happens you need to get out of this situation & find some happiness for yourself & Children.
2007-05-06 19:58:09 · answer #2 · answered by skippy's mum 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well I tell you this, I wouldn't live that way. Clearly he will never get over this so you only have two choices. Either you can continue to live in misery or get a divorce. I would go with the second option.
Depending on which country you live in, he may not have much choice if you want a divorce. Talk to a family law attorney right away and start setting up what you need to care for yourself in the mean time.
No one needs to live like you do.
2007-05-06 18:44:56 · answer #3 · answered by Just a friend. 6 · 4⤊ 0⤋
It doesn't sound as though you have any outside support eg parents or siblings which would make things a lot more difficult for you.
Also. Looking after children and working hard in his business isn't giving you time to go out socially and mix with different people and get a balance on life.
This man sounds like a total RAT who found someone vulnerable and is now using you any way he wants. it must be doing your children tremendous harm to see their mother treated this way,
You need to be strong and get out of this relationship now. Next time he is abroad, get what money you can together and go. It doesn't sound as though you have the strength to leave him otherwise.
2007-05-06 19:34:18 · answer #4 · answered by proud walker 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I personally could not live like that. My advice: Get out. Show your kids you don't have to have a man to make it and if you will have standards, the right man will come along. Then you can be happier than you are now.
And as far as your past, you have 2 kids with 2 different fathers?? Big deal!!! He is a complete jackass, and has been one his whole life I am sure. Now thats a past to be upset about!!!
2007-05-06 22:25:42 · answer #5 · answered by treasuredwife69 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
That is very sad, I am sorry to hear that.
Unfortunately it will not get better. He is set in his ways and in his attitude towards you.
Understand that it is not your fault, you did not "do" anything to bring this upon yourself. He made you a promise that he is not keeping. He has totally shut you out, there is nothing you can do to force him to act differently.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't want to talk about divorce. You need to find the courage to be able to remove yourself from this horrible situation and give yourself the opportunity to have a happy life. No one deserves that kind of treatment.
2007-05-06 18:55:26 · answer #6 · answered by whitewolfe 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
If he isn't willing to talk to you and he treats you badly, then he is lying when he says that he wants to work on the marriage. It sound like he want's to ignore the problem and wait for it to go away. Bad Idea. You know in your heart what is best for you and your children (your children are the most important thing by the way). Don't stay in a loveless marriage.
2007-05-06 18:57:35 · answer #7 · answered by Ann J 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
He KNEW that this belief system is wrong, and this is why he hid it from you. Look at Joseph Fritzl, look at what a husband is capable of having a compliant wife agree to - look at Fred and Rose West. Get out now, and make sure you tell all your friends and family. Let this guy see what his twisted ideology has cost him. I was back in the town I grew up in last year, and a punk guy got off a bus, wearing a jacket with a Swaztika on it, and started walking up the road. I crossed the road, got in front of him, and told him to take it off. "It's my right to wear it" he said. I told him that it was people like MY father, who fought as a Royal Marine Sergeant in WW2, that gave him his considerable freedoms, but that my father fought to keep that symbol of hate off our soil. He could see I was about to get physical on the matter, and wisely took the jacket off, turned it inside out, and walked off. If he hadn't, I would have pounded his face into beefburger. I told him that I was going to give him the beating that Nazis used to give to Jews, and that was what changed his mind! ZERO TOLERANCE. Not Now, and NOT EVER AGAIN. Get your kids away from this pathetic failure.
2016-04-01 00:16:43 · answer #8 · answered by ? 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
sounds similar to my life.hes being false and its him that needs counselling.if you do go ahead with the divorce you will probably be like me and vow to stay happy and single.the reason he dosent want a divorce is he has bussiness.you would cripple him financially and i think he may know that.if he says hes gonna try to fix the problem why isnt he picking up the phone and making a appt with a councellor.and this would take many sessions not just one.if it was me i wouldnt put up with it.especially cause you just done need it in life.
2007-05-06 21:46:39 · answer #9 · answered by fairy_gdmthr 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
you need to move on and get that divorce if he cant eccept you for who you are then whats the point ok you have a past who doesnt he knew your past when he married you so if he had a problem with it he should not of married you. you need to go out there and find someone who will love you for you and not care about your past
good luck
2007-05-06 20:09:27 · answer #10 · answered by terihart_46 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋