My husband and I are getting divorced. He moved out of the house. Do you think it would be better for the kids if we moved out too? My concern is that even though we are sharing custody of the kids 50/50, they may still feel abandoned by their father since he is the one who moved out. A fresh start in a new place might be better for everyone, but then again I worry that maybe that's asking too much of them to deal with not only their dad moving out but taking them away from their house and friends and all the familiarity of what's always been home to them. What do you think?
2007-05-06 10:48:56 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Moving will not resolve any issues I think it would cause more harm than help. The children are already settled into a neighborhood, schools, and activities so there is some normalacy in their life. Yes, their father leaving will have some effect on them but as long as the two of you continue to work together to ensure them that they are loved and that your separation is not their fault then you are moving in the right direction. Children are suprisingly stronger than you think. Keep the lines of communication open with them and even make time to have family discussions with the father present if that is possible. If keeping the regularity of the home you are already in is an option than this will be the best choice.
2007-05-14 05:25:30 · answer #1 · answered by Felisha S 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
What I think is that getting advice from strangers on Yahoo makes me nervous, that's what I think.
I understand your logic and you are thinking clearly -all very good. But neither I nor anyone else here on Answers knows what is in your kids' heads, hearts and experience. It could well be that leaving the old digs could stir up intense insecurity or anxiety in one child -but not the other ...I don't know.
But, in general, BIG CHANGES (good or bad) tend to produce BIG STRESS no matter who or what or where or when. That said, a consult with people who know the kids better than we do is in order.
YOUR feelings about leaving the house are also important, for the attitude you carry will be experienced or sensed by the kids no matter how you may attempt to conceal either your complete dread or total delight. And, to the extent that your feelings conflict with the kid, guess what? Added stress.
I'll give you an opinion that I want you to run by someone professionally qualified to review it:
For NOW, stay where you are so you can get a reading on how everyone is doing with the simple reality of "Daddy's gone." In time, if you are still THINKING about a move, then run it by the kids and see how they take it. Bear in mind that for them, the move may mean more than just another house -but also involve issues of new schools, friends, etc. Because they are not as mobile as you, their adaptation to such a change is more difficult to make as a practical matter.
You may want to consider a get-away to the shore or the mountains in a rented home for a week or two if a simple change in scenery seems to be a good idea. Watch how the kiddos react to going BACK home when you return.
At the bottom line, whenever one member of a group leaves, the relationships between those remaining in the group ALSO change. And you need to get a grip on those dynamics before moving the tribe.
Right? Right!
2007-05-14 09:50:03 · answer #2 · answered by JSGeare 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The absolute number one interest for kids is their friends and familiar surroundings. I know, I know, there are army brats and navy brats who adjust all the time but even they run into the same kids in their travels - other army and navy brats! So they feel 'at home' with the people moving their homes too.
I'd stay where you are. Your husband's going to be sharing custody and nothing is going to make the initial adjustment period easy but I don't think your kids are going to feel abandoned as long as your husband's involved somehow in their lives. That's what they are concerned about and they will soon learn that he is still around, just not living at home.
Kids love their friends and the place they feel settled in. It's that secure feeling of predictability - don't take that away unless you absolutely can't avoid it.
2007-05-13 22:47:07 · answer #3 · answered by kathyw 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Keep in mind that a child's security is dependent upon consistency as well as familiarity. That has already been disrupted by the divorce. If you can manage to stay in the house, stay there. It is their home too and moving, depending on where, is generally going to mean a loss of their friends as well. They have enough to deal with given the divorce, don't compound it by moving unless it is a financial necessity.
2007-05-14 06:43:00 · answer #4 · answered by scorp5543 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It all depends on how old the kids are and what the family environment was like when their dad was living there. If your children are at an age where they're teenagers then you could ask them what they think. A change is as good as a holiday sometimes, for you and them alike.
If they're 1 - 5 years, I'd stay where you are for now. See what they are like in the coming months. If they show signs of trauma (you'll notice it) then consider a fresh, exciting start.
2007-05-14 01:48:43 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
i would not move. your children do not need a fresh start. they have there home friends school in short there lives are based where you are at. i promise your children will not fell abandoned. you said you and the father are sharing custody 50/50. i can tell you from experence kids had happier coming from a broken home then living in one. what ever you do please no matter how mad you get DO NOT PUT THERE FATHER DOWN IN ANY WAY ANY TIME. your children will be fine as long as you and dad are fine and still show kindness toward each other.
2007-05-06 18:15:39 · answer #6 · answered by BLOODHOUND 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
If you want to move after they have adjusted that would be fine but stay put till they see everything is still the same with the continued love of both paerents. I sure wouldn't make them change schools.
2007-05-14 16:27:53 · answer #7 · answered by p h 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
why move them too. Their family has been dismantled and now they will have to adjust to a new set of people, schools maybe and the big fact that their parents are no longer together. Not to mention, later or sooner, you two will have boyfriends and girlfriends they will have to adjust to. we as adults sure know how to mess our kids up and then we say it's society. God bless your children.
2007-05-12 23:45:31 · answer #8 · answered by Go GO Ressa 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I would say best to keep the kids where they are at for the time being...too many changes too soon can cause great disruption in a childs life.
2007-05-14 17:30:34 · answer #9 · answered by karen h 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The familiarity of their own home, and surroundings, will make it easier on them to adjust to their Dad not being there. I would try to not change any more than was just absolutely necessary for the time being. Give them time to adjust first.
2007-05-06 19:41:00 · answer #10 · answered by olderbutwiser 7 · 1⤊ 2⤋