I wish I understood my husband's actions......?

Question

I left him in October to point out to him that he has been verbally abusing me for years (yes, I've done the psychology etc and it has been doctor confirmed). I did not blame everything on him. I know I should have put my foot down years ago. I left with the intentions of trying to work out our marriage and get back together with a healthier way of fighting and solving problems (as opposed to he yells 1" from my face until I submit and calls me names such as "dead weight, B***ch, worthless, and undesirable). I believe that there is love between us because we have so many good memories. I know that I love him. I just want to be treated like a person.

So, 1 month after I left, he cheats on me, then calls me asking me down to the house for sex (which I didn't do). I find out I'm pregnant about then (with my hubby's baby before I left), and he continues to cheat; quits marriage counselling. Now he's after 50% custody of both my kids (I'm due in 1 month) and is telling the judge

I'm crazy and have been on antidepressants for years. The truth is, in July I went to see my family doctor, had a break down in front of him because I needed to know if the way he faught was dirty, or if I needed to be more receptive to change or whatever. He sent me to pschiatrist and she confirmed what I was experiencing was mental abuse. I left after he threatened me one night. I was NEVER on antidepressants.

Do you think I'm right to walk away and not look back? Do you think he'll get my kids 50% of the time? He does not look after my son when he does have him...leaves him with his brother so he can go to the bar. Why is he acting this way????

He is telling the judge that I'm crazy....I'm not crazy. I was just reading above and want to clarify that. I needed more room to finish my thoughts. LOL

I should add that that current arrangement is I have my son from Monday @ 4:00 - Saturday @ 4:00. When my hubby brings him back to me, my son is usually argumentive for the first night and then settles back in to his routine by the end of the week. I do work full-time, but will be going on maternity at the end of this month. I figure that because my hubby refuses to pay spousal support while I am on maternity (my wage goes down to 55%) that he probably only wants 50% custody so he doesn't have to pay child support.

To the Mrs., I'm not sure if your words are meant to be encouraging or demoralizing.

Just for the record, I am not "playing the victim". What I went through is real and what I'm feeling now is real. I left the abusive situation and I feel I am doing the best for my kids. How is that "playing the victim?". I decided not to take it!

If you were meaning to be encouraging, then thank you. If you meant it when you asked what's wrong with me, have a nice life. I'm not looking for comments like that.

Answer 1

He acts this way because he wants his way. Since he's not getting his way, he is bullying, manipulating, and striking out.

Being on anti-depressants doesn't make a person "crazy", by the way. Don't even let him intimidate you. No judge would fall for that. It just makes him look ignorant. I

Get a notebook just for him and document all the crap he says and does, with the dates, and times. If people who know him would be willing to write what they've witnessed and have it notorized, it would look good for you in court. Right now it is "He said, She said". Outside opion helps. Talk to your lawyer.

Why does he do what he does? Because he can, but just because he chooses to act like at total jerk doesn't mean you have to tolerate it. Don't worry about changing him. Just set your boundaries and stick to them.

Whether you "love" him or he loves you is not the issue. The issue is that he behaves atrociously and you aren't going to take it. You shouldn't. You are doing the right thing leaving. He walked out of marriage counseling. He cheats. He lies. He tries to squash you down because he has anxiety and feels like you were the only thing in his life he had some control over and now that is gone. He believes he should have his way and is immature. He only thinks about himself.

Be prepared. He will attempt to make things worse and to scare you into staying in the marriage.If that doesn't work, he will be the greatest guy in the world. If that doesn't work, he will have a meltdown.

Regarding custody...If you are the primary caregiver and he is not a good dad, then explain that. 50-50 custody arrangements are stupid. Kids cannot be cut in half. They need stability, predictability and need the same rules, the same routine, the same expectations as often as possible.

I know this is a nightmare, but hang in there. I am really sorry he didn't step up the plate and do the right thing for you and the kids. He obviously has no intentions of changing his behavior. Sorry. I hope the rest of your life is much, much better. Good luck to you.

P.S. Please leave the hospital on some sort of very dependable birth control.

Answer 2

I commend you for leaving him and realizing that you both have a problem and not just blame yourself or him. I strongly believe that leaving him was the best decision that you have made. You and your children deserve better. I just hope that you left him so that you can go out there and become stronger for yourself and your children and not to just teach him a lesson. Change is something that he has to want to do for himself. He must have some unresolved issues from his past and you cannot fix that. Continue to be strong. Fight like hell for your children but do it in a way where you are not stooping to his level. The courts will see that. You're only "crazy" if you believe tha he will change. It sounds like he can be pretty bad and you definitely do not want your children around that. I wish you the very best. Things may seem bad now but I'm sure that they can only get better. You're not under his thumb anymore. Try to get some help from abused women's organizations. It will empower you and also make you see that you're not alone. Good luck!

Answer 3

What difference does it make if you understand his actions? WHY he does what he does in unimportant. Understanding the reasons does not make what he has done acceptable. Who cares? Is it okay to abuse your wife under ANY circumstances??? Of course no!. So stop looking for reasons....that's the same as looking to excuse the behavior. And you should NOT excuse what he has done. Forgive yes...excuse NO!

The breakdown of the marriage may not have been all his fault. But his abuse of you IS. By the tone of your question, it sounds like you're taking the blame for his behavior. LEARN THIS: the only person responsible for someone's bad behavior is THEM. They make the choice in how they act. Nobody forces them. Nothing you said or did can be blamed for him verbally abusing you. EVER. So stop blaming yourself for his bad behavior.

Memories DON'T mean you have a loving relationship. Time is cruel in that it let's us forget the bad parts and only remember the good. Your memory of "good times" is not a good measure of love. The fact that he cannot communicate with you without yelling or verbally bashing you into submission is a clear indication that what you have is an abusive relationship...not a loving one.
You may have loved him, but he clearly is not capable of loving you. If he is not willing to go for counseling, then you have no choice but to leave.
If nothing else, do you want your kids to grow up seeing that? Do you want them to think that this is what normal adults do? Of course not. They have a better chance of having healthy relationships without having him around.

As far as custody goes, anything is possible. I have a friend in a similar situation and her ex has FULL custody. Even though she has a doctor's confirmation that she her depression was due to the verbal abuse of her marriage. So I would get a lawyer ASAP and make SURE that he doesn't get ANY custody.

Make sure you get full physical custody of those kids. Make sure you have a paternity test to prove that your baby is your husbands, just in case he tries to claim it's not his. I would try to keep him from getting visitation at ALL if possible. But if you can't, I would try and arrange it so that he can only have supervised visits. I would be afraid that he would be verbally bashing you in front of the kids (ive seen it happen).
If necessary, get a guardian appointed by the court for the kids to look out for their best interests if you are concerned about him verbally abusing them.

For yourself, you need to get counseling to find out why you continued to stay in this kind of a relationship. Your self esteem has suffered so much while you were with this man. You need to get some help for yourself.
Get a counselor, get a lawyer and get started on a new life.

Answer 4

First of all - get a good lawyer. Maybe you can use your therapist as a charactor witness to proof you have been abused by this man.

Second - yes, cut loose and get away from him and don't look back. Ask for supervised visitation for your ex. If you can proof he is abusive then this may be easy to obtain. If he harrasses you then get a protection from abuse order. This is easy to get. If you can't get supervised visitation for your ex then ask for some kind of protection for the exchanges so you don't have to deal with his abuse when he picks up the kids. Ask for nuetral ground to make the exchange, somewhere that he can't be abusive to you.

Like I said - get a good lawyer because unfortunately a man can beat his wife half to death and still have rights to his kids. Doesn't make any sense to me but that's the way it is.

Answer 5

Firstly, I would get dr's notes on your visits to prove you aren't on antidepressants. Even if you are, that doesn't matter. A parent that is on meds isn't a bad parent, infact the court would look unfavourably if you were depressed and DIDN"T get meds.

I doubt he'll get 50/50 custody. I would bring up that he's verbally abusive, that he cheated (you mave have been seperated, but you were still trying to work it out so I consider it cheating). Bring family/friends to the court to substantiate he is abusive. I wouldn't put up with this, be strong and fight!

Answer 6

If he pays child support, unfortunately, he will be able to see the kids. Ask your lawyer how to go about getting him declared unfit to supervise the children. You will probably need proof that he leaves your child with someone else so he can go drinking.

From what you wrote, you really have no future with this man, and I don't see why you would want one. I do not think that he will ever treat you like a person. Look in the phone book for some battered women's shelters in your area. They can help you deal with your feelings, even if you and your children don't actually need physical shelter. Good luck.

Answer 7

Unless you really are a crazed maniac and refuse to get treatment, you will win full custody with standard visitation. I have just been down that road, and my ex hb is telling me I am Dr. Jeckyll/Mr. Hyde and he has documented evidence of such, but never used in the divorce, and even if I was what he says I won't lose custody. I wouldn't worry too much. YOu need an attorney that specializes in custody issues though.

Answer 8

He's feeling guilty about cheating on you so he is throwing it out to you and placing the blame! (I know this one well!)

The other thing is, he is "Browbeating" you and "belittling" you and he is the one with the problem, it isn't you!

Listen, when you appear before a Judge, or whoever is in Authority, they listen to both of your sides of the situation, and they will monitor his behavior and they will go by that if he is competent to have custody or not. Believe me, Judges and Lawyers have alot of experience watching one's "demeanor" in a custody battle, so keep your cool and he'll be the loser in this! You watch!

Too bad he isn't appreciative of you both expecting another child! He shouldn't be mistreating you, ANYWAY, but especially now!

I hope he only gets visitation and that it will be "supervised", due to his attitude!

God Bless and be safe!

Answer 9

He's crazy. You should of left a long time ago. File for full custody of your son and don't try to understand what makes that lunatic your married to tick.

Answer 10

Honey you have every right to walk away. You deserve better than this. No woman should have to tolerate this kind of life. You have nothing to feel guilty about since you tried to make the marriage work. Stay strong and make a better life for you and your children. Never let him or anyone else make you feel this is the life you have to do tolerate.