I'm a mom of a 19 year old. Why does my stomach ache & roll at the thought of her with her boyfriend?

Question

I think I'm jealous she does what he wants her to do vs what I want her to do!! I do not want her staying over at his parents house with him. They are both 19 and in college. Help..I think she is being disrepectful to me, she lives with me during breaks and summer.

Answer 1

Yes, that's so darn hard!
My daughters are 21 and 22 and when they first became sexually involved, I was a wreck. I was jealous, but not because I wanted what they had. I was jealous that I couldn't be everything to them, as idiotic as that sounds. I wanted he way it had always been-my Girls & Mom, happy as clams.
Things are better now, but I still miss them so much (they live in another state) and we try to visit as often as possible.
Good luck

Answer 2

Been through this. I've got a 23 yr old daughter and a 17 yr old. For some reason, both of them had a lot more conflict with their mothers around late teens. To an extent, you have to let go. She's probably going to find a way to do what she wants anyway. I'd definitely tell her I don't want her staying in the same room with her boyfriend when she visits his parent's house. You might have a conversation with his parents and explain that while it's okay if she visits, you think maybe they're too serious and you would appreciate her being in a separate room, but you understand that you have no way of enforcing that. She's probably getting to an age where you'll have a lot less control over her actions. Better establish a good relationship with her so she'll feel like she can come to you with her problems.

Answer 3

I was 19 yrs old when I had my son. Had been with the dad since I was 16, but by the time I was around 6 months pregnant he left me. Didnt want a single thing to do with his baby. It took me awhile to find someone again. Don't get me wrong I had boyfriends off and on that loved my child just as much if not more than they cared about/loved me. I am now 25 yrs old, have been married for a yr to the most wonderful man. I met him when my son was 18 months old. And today we are expecting our 2nd child together. You WILL find someone. It just takes time. Usually when you stop looking, they find you :)

Answer 4

I think these are symptoms of anxiety. It is difficult to see your children break away and to loose control over them. At this stage in life the "requests" of parents are seen as attempts to control behavior while the "demands" of friends are somehow seen as pleas to make free yourself from parental bonds. It is also unfortunate that many parents often see themselves as their children's "friends", and this is much easier to do if your child is the boy rather than the girl. These relationships are very complex and I could never do them justice in a little blurb. There are some really good books out, but chances are you are a the thick of it now and don't have time to read. Maybe you can find some support with other parents who are going through thr same thing, or even a support group.

Answer 5

I have experienced parents of girlfriends doing this too.
They usually judged me as not good enough for their daughter after prodding at me for a few months.
I guess they justify themselfs for ruling over their daughter's decisions in life rather than believing that she has her own path just as they did once.
If you love your daughter you must lead your thoughts from there whenever you feel astrayed as you do now.
If you are from a loving position you will trust and find joy in her being happy in her own way.
You may also be wretching over the sight of your own past as though she is a mirror. But you must respect yourself and where you are now, and realize that you got here through those tougher experiences. You may want to protect her from experiencing the troubles and the hurts...
Remember it took fire to burn away the inside of the beautiful mahogany tree so that the indians could hollow out a canoe.
As a parent you are like a bow in the hands of God where your daughter is the arrow being shot foreward into existence.

Just love your daughter, show her through your good example how people with good judgement treat others they care for. Maybe she will learn to do the same and you wont be left feeling disrespected.

Answer 6

I would not call you jealous in this situation. You simply do not want to be disrespected by your child. there is nothing wrong with that. You need to sit her down and talk to her and tell her that you are unhappy with her disrespectful ways.

You said that she lives with you only during the summer and on breaks. Maybe you feel that you should allow her to get away with more stuff than you normally would because you see her so rarely. If that is the case, I would be willing to bet that she knows that and she is taking advantage of the situation.

Answer 7

Cutting the "Cord" can really be painful for "Mom"...it's all very normal but get use to it because she has "Declared" her independence. Be proud of yourself. You have almost completely completed your task on this earth with your "Child" she is almost the woman you always wanted her to be.

Answer 8

I don't have kids yet, but I think what you feel is natural. I also don't know exactly how good your relationship is, but as it sounds fine, maybe you could sit and talk about it with her. Be clear with the fact you want her to be well, but don't "play mom" and appeal to her sense of guilt... ;)

I hope all goes well..

Answer 9

i have a similar problem, my mom's like that and i think it's jealousy. my question is why?? can you pl. describe the feeling, i'd like to understand. thanx ps) is it because you're single or what? my mom's the same but she won't be honest about it. thanx

Answer 10

Ur just worried. Trust me. Find a way to trust her with this guy.