Why don't mothers support each other?

Question

I was disappointed and suprised to read the responses on breastfeeding on another question posted in here recently. I shared my personal situation with the asker about how i was unable to breastfeed completely to my own detriment. No one knew the ins and outs of my plight and yet, i had nothing but thumbs down from my fellow mothers cause i gave formula. Reading through the responses i realised all mothers who were supportive and unable to breastfeed for whatever reason were given thumbs down. I feel quite angry and disappointed that people can be so judgemental about this topic. Everyone knows breast is best - obviously! but for some poor mothers IT ISNT AN OPTION... would you condemn a mother for giving formula to her newborn because she has her breasts removed from cancer? I support breastfeeding where possible, however i also support my fellow mothers in their own choices. Mothers have enough guilt to deal with from society as it is. Thanks for listening.

Answer 1

I don't know why they can't be supportive. Mother's who breast-feed put down mothers who don't, and those who don't breast feed put down those who do. The same way with the work or stay at home debate, working mothers look down upon those who chose to stay home, those that choose to stay home look down upon those who choose to work. It's ridiculous, in the end most of us are just making the best decisions we know how and instead of judging we should be supporting, educating and empowering each other.

Answer 2

I completely agree! I am 35, the mother of a 2 year old and a seven month old. Right after my first was born, I noticed that I suddenly felt like I was back in high school. Some moms are so clicky and mean to each other. I think moms feel so scared that they might mess up their kids, that they get defensive and turn against anyone who has made different choices. I got hysterical in the hospital because I couldn't breastfeed. I had a really solid medical reason, but random nursing aids who didn't know the whole story kept asking me why I wasn't doing what was best for my baby. I felt so inadequate. Nothing like a little guilt on top of sleep deprivation, trauma recovery, and post-partum hormones.

The bad news is that breast vs. bottle is only the first battle every single choice is a controversy - when to start solids, immunizations, potty training, which preschool, and on and on. There is always some bossy mom ready and happy to tell you why your choice is the wrong choice. On the bright side, you will get really good at ignoring these busy bodies. I figure if there is anything to karma, I hope these judgmental moms will have kids who grow up to publicly embarrass the heck out of the them.

Answer 3

It is the same with other things in life. People with like minds clique together and it's an us-vs.-them mentality. I do think that it is because women don't actually listen to the real data, 5% cannot breastfeed due to breast functioning problems and probably an additional 10-15% can't because they are taking meds that may not be safe or baby was in preemie unit too long, etc. Most women I know breastfeed only at the hospital, if at all, and then the bottle comes out; this in a climate that is actually supportive for breastfeeding. Then they use an excuse, rather than just saying they had no desire to breastfeed. I suppose it is to avoid argument. But, keep in mind that certain questions people light on simply to wage their war, rather than actually be helpful giving balanced answers.

It doesn't help when jerks refer to overzealous breastfeeding advocates as "breastfeeding nazi warriors " as the one poster did. .

I gotta add though. I have to admit to a judgmental moment when a friend with 2 children admitted that she never eats vegetables and detests them. Of course, one of her kids mimics her mother. Not my problem, but when I see the junk food they eat instead, it just makes me cringe.

Answer 4

I agree with you.. I did breastfeed my two kids and plan on breastfeeding my 3rd. I would never look down on a mother that can`t breastfeed or decided she didn`t want to..My sister tried and tried with her kids and just could not ...I got a bunch of thumbs down on here once because I said I only breastfeed for the first 2-3 months..do to my own personal preferences..Any time is better than no time though...

Answer 5

I agree with you on that. I don't judge someone just because they choose to give formula over the breast. It is there choice. Some mothers aren't even comfortable with breastfeeding.

I breastfeed my son for 3 months. He got to the point of wanting to feed all the time none stop. I went to the doctor and he told me I was feeding him to often and to use a bink between feedings. I tried my son refused the bink and then got to the point he refused the breast. When I went to the doctor again I was told I was doing the right thing to begin with. I tried to get him back on the breast and it didn't work.My husband is a Marine so we deal with the military hospital so our doctors are always changing.

Anyway that is my little story. I plan on trying to breastfeed the baby I am carrying now so hopefully it will work out better this time. =) We will see.

But I don't judge any mother if she chooses formula over the breast. It is her own personal choice.


Yep lets start with the thumbs down you ignorant jerks. I honestly don't care what anyone thinks of my answer. I breastfeed until my son refused to take the breast.

Answer 6

Most women who say they can not breastfeed for this reason or that reason are either a) completely misinformed and continuing to spread that misinformation b) didn't really want to breastfeed and are using excuses for formula feeding.

If no one knew why you said you couldn't most probably assumed it wasn't true. Really you always hear "I didn't have enough milk" (which is only true of 1% of women who have proper support and information) or "I couldn't breastfeed because I the baby had jaundice" (almost NEVER true, and formula is almost always the last option after breastmilk, expressed breastmilk, banked breastmilk and sugar water). "My baby was starving" (poor latch, poor breastfeeding management). I am sorry if a mother believed a doctor who knew nothing about breastfeeding or got no support so they failed. But I will not give them a thumbs up for continuing to spread the misinformation and the myth that breastfeeding is so very hard (and I had a hard time in the begining involving cracked nipples, pumping and syring feeding, nipple shields and the whole deal. But I knew that the medical procedures I allowed them to do on my son because they were threatening to go to court and have me removed as guardian were the cause and I worked through them)

And no if a mother truely can not breastfeed I don't condemn her for formula feeding, I condemn society for making formula the only option. Banking breastmilk or even making shelf stable formula from breastmilk are very viable options with a little support and money and considering how much formula costs society it is a good investment.

Answer 7

Great question!
I think that we as women are unfortunately insecure deep down. How can we help it with the way our society is today?
I do think it's sad that mothers spend so much time judging each other, breastfeeding, solids, co-sleeping, being room mom, where did your son go to college, it goes on and on and on and on.........
I hope that we will learn to support each other, this mothering thing comes with enough internal guilt, we don't need more!
I'm sure we're all doing the best we know how to do for our children

Answer 8

You poor dear. I'm sorry fellow moms gave you a thumbs down. You have to realize we're all doing our level best to raise strong, healthy, smart, clever, good-looking kids. Some of us just take the Freudian guilt thing a little too far.

It's true that breast is best. And yes, some of us aren't capable of fulfilling that mantra. Please know that not everyone thinks formula-fed babies are hung out to dry. Do the best you can.

I'm sure you love your little one more than you love anything else in the whole wide world. Hug your baby, give him or her everything you have: wisdom, knowledge, experience, skill, dreams, hope. And know that there are some moms who think you're very brave to ask the question and share your experience in the first place. Good luck, and blessings--

Answer 9

I think the reason is because us mothers that are truly educated on breastfeeding realize that only a very small percentage of women in the world actually can't breastfeed their babies.
Usually the reason women fail is lack of education and support for the mother.

Answer 10

Thanks for the venting.....I agree with you that others shouldn't judge, but you know what, breast feeding mothers get judged all the time. When they are feeding in public, or God forbid you leak and you have a large wet spot over either breast and everyone is staring. So to end my venting, no one should jugde anyone, but everyone gets judged. You give birth to your baby, not theirs, so who cares. Raise your child the way you want, bottle or breast, only you know best.