My wife, who I adore, wants a divorce. She says she doesn't love me anymore. What can I do to win her back?

Question

We have a wonderful 9 year old son, who we both adore. I want us to stay together because I love her and above all I want us to be a family for our son who loves us dearly and he would be devasted if we separate then divorce, or we sell our family home. But, I do not want my wife to be unhappy for the rest of her life. She refuses to go to Relate etc and says there is no point because she simply doesn't love me. I don't think she is having an affair although this started 2 years ago when she moved to a much more pressured role in a bank and mixes with many single parent Mums. She seems constantly stressed out by work, tired and unhappy but refuses to work part-time. Also, she went on the pill about the same time as this started and our love life has sank to zilch! I do not pressure her, nor do I want anyone else. I'm getting old and cannot afford another mortgage (5 years to my OAP), especially if we split our equity 50/50. How can it better for all of us, esp our son?

Answer 1

If she is not prepared to work on the marriage, then counseling would not help. She has got to want to keep the marriage together for anything to work. I understand all the things you have said may have contributed to her feeling this way, but if she doesnt see it or want to work on it, then there isnt a lot you can do. It's a horrible situation for anyone to be in and there are no easy answers. One- sided love never works because it ends up in bitterness....she would be bitter because she felt pressured to stay and you would be bitter because you werent getting your needs met. You may love her with all your heart, but if you force her to stay out of guilt or responsibility then you will end up terribly unhappy because you would be in a relationship where you knew you were not loved....how would that make you feel on a daily basis? How would you feel coming home to a wife who you know doesnt want to be there? Your self esteem would drop to zero. While your 9 year old will be devestated at the break up, if you both stay because of the child then the child will pick up on it and he will end up unhappy anyway.

I guess you just have to let her go....that is your only option and maybe the best one. They say absence makes the heart grow fonder....Maybe allow her her freedom.....and then when she has it, maybe she wont want it. You clinging to her and making her feel guilty will have the opposite effect, and while it may work in keeping her in the marriage, it certainly will do neither of you any good. Both of you and your child will end up suffering. You cannot control the way she feels and as much as you want her to love you like you love her, its not going to happen...you cant force a person to love you...its impossible.

The only hope you have is if she wants to work on the marriage in which case counselling may work....but you cant make her love you...thats the part that you have to accept. You can look at all the reasons why she may have fallen out of love with you, but it doesnt change the outcome. Give her her freedom. It will hurt like hell, but you cannot survive happily knowing you forced someone to stay where they didnt want to be...that would do you more harm in the long run. All I can say to you is that I am trully sorry that you are going through this. It must feel like your whole world is dying before your eyes. I have been there and its a horrible place to be. You have to accept what she says and if she has fallen out of love with you, then she is the only one who could get it back...but she has got to want it. If she doesnt want it, then all you are doing is banging your head up against a brick wall.

I wish you the strength to get through this difficult time....take care.

Answer 2

I hate to say it, but it seems you're in for a rough time over the next few months. I know, because your story sounds like mine. I agree that you can't force someone to love you, but I do think that sometimes life gets in the way and we forget how to love each other. The love might still be there, just needing a kick start. Do you have to go straight for divorce? Can't you suggest a trial separation? A good marriage deserves a chance at least. Apparently, a high percentage of divorced people wished they'd done more to try to save their marriage. Don't you be stubborn about it. Tell her if you want to work on it, because you have nothing to lose by doing so and everything to lose by not even trying.

Good luck. (and worst case scenario, there are other financial options. have you thought that if you do sell up, you could invest your share and make money instead. It might be worth renting for a while if you did that. You could increase your capital and perhaps eventually be able to afford something else without going into a big mortgage. That's just a financial suggestion - try to save your marriage first!)

Answer 3

I can kind of emphathize with you. I find many women having their midlife crisis (past 45) suddenly think they LACK something, instead of appreciating what they have. They would rather punch holes in the family to search for that emotional something they don't even know--- tearing apart the family that would have had a pretty good future financially for both to retire with.

Not a whole lot you can do but perhaps watch out for your own future. Put away plenty of money from the COMMON money to secure your son's college funds because this is your responsibility and it is an act that she cannot be upset about. By decreasing the money pool, you can put some reality on the table. Let your wife realize that there is much less money around for her to pursue whatever emotional stuff she is after. Reality sometimes wakes people up.

Answer 4

Your wife desperately needs some good advice, sadly it can't come from you. It really seems divorce is the only option now and it's not going to go nicely. You need to grow a thick (yet reasonable) skin quick. She is going to try to take everything and destroy you. Right now you might be of the mind, sure take it all, I don't care. Wrong, you will need resources to rebuild your life, you will have a new life and you need to build a new home from which you can support your 3 children. You can't do that if she takes everything. Try to go for a quick reasonable divorce but I very much doubt this is going to go like that. Obviously avoid alcohol etc and try to keep the kids out or neutral. Get lots of advice yourself, but watch your budget, there are alternatives to lawyers for all your questions but make sure you get a decent one for the actual process. Keep a diary/log of important events and try not to be alone with her too much. She has tried using the police as a weapon once already and could easily try to ramp that up. I really wish you luck.

Answer 5

Oh darl, I do feel for you. If you had not got a child together it would be a lot easier to come to some kind of arrangement.
But it sounds to me like she has made her mind up. As she
already said she will not go to Relate with you then in her
mind she obviously does not think there is anything worth
saving. Are you quite sure there is no-one else? Ask her to
be truthful and admit to it if she is. Then I think it if she really
does not want to make a go of your marriage you need to
get professional advice with regard to you both separating.
I wonder if she would move out and leave your son with you?
Perhaps time apart would do you both good. Good Luck and Take Care.Minxy.x.

Answer 6

i am so sorry to say this but there is nothing you can do about it if she does not love you you can not just stay together for your son cause that will make him unhappy just tell your son that you love him and that you will always be there for him and do be there for him the best thing you can do is move out find somewhere to rent but let her have the house and sort that out once your son turns 16 then he wont find the wholoe thing disruptive but tell your wife that you cannot afford to pay the mortgage good luck and remember just be there for your son

Answer 7

Meeting new people........going on pill..........sex life dropping.......sorry mate, but it smells rather like an affair to me.
Even so, that might not be the reason for her leaving. there would have to be some reason for her straying in the first place. Which is normally where you come in.........
.........Basically, my advise would be to BEG her for one more chance....then ask her where you have been going wrong......hopefully she will grant you this chance, then you can put things right,but if not, then you know that this other man has something that she REALLY wants.
Never mind mate, she'll be back within a year, asking YOU for forgiveness, and if you want to give HER another go, then its up to you.
Either way mate, best of luck.............and above all.......keep yer chin up!!

Answer 8

First you need to see what part you had in this ending relationship and own up to it. Sit her down talk to her and tell her how much you love her and how much you want this marriage to work out. Ask her before she goes and looks for an attorney for the both of you to seek marriage councelling first. If she refuses then really there is nothing you can do but move on with your life. Who knows you might find happiness elsewhere.

Answer 9

I hate to say this but you have to respect her wishes.

You can't make somebody love you.

For a last chance saloon ask if you could go on a family holiday together, maybe spending the quality time or having some exitement.

If she still says she doesn't love you, then I'm afraid you have to let her go. For your 9 year old son its bound to be hard, you just have to re-assure him that mum and dad are still "best friends" and that they still love him very much. Keep spending equal amounts of time with him and give him lots of love, care and attention.

Answer 10

That is one thing you can't do no matter how hard you, you can't make anyone love you, regardless of what you do. Your saying that things would become all upset and it bring a hardship on both of you and your son. She has already gone over that in her mind , she wants out and you will never, never hold on to her by telling her what turmoil she will cause, your wasteting your time, she wants out and you might as well give up. She doesn't love you anymore you can give her a mansion anything she could ever want but you can't make her love you. I'm sorry but just might as well make up your mind to turn loose and let her go., because she has already made up her mind and she is gone.
My Best To You.