Fight w/ my "fiancee"...was I wrong?

Question

We’ve been together 4 ½ years, lived together for a 1 ½ years and got engaged last week. Ok, he wakes up in a bad mood almost every morning and I am sick of it. He was pissy so I let him be. I made little casual comments, tried to make little jokes and he just sits there with little one word answers or pissy comments. I'm very aware of non-verbal communication and it hurts me to live with this kind of tension. (this is not a new thing) I can't ignore him because we live in a small apartment and there is really no way to get away from his negative energy. I love him very much but this tension can drive me insane b/c it always escalates into a fight unless him or I just leave to do something else (school/work). Sure enough, he finally made a comment to indicate his irritation (although, he will deny up and down that he is in a bad mood). He called me a lazy, worthless b****. Mind you, I was doing nothing except telling him not to use our fish tank bucket for chemicals, b/c we can use the spare trash can. (Putting chemicals in a fish bucket and then using it to change the water in the fish tank could kill them very easily). So, I took my engagement ring off and threw it at him. I couldn’t stand having it on my finger at that time b/c I felt chained to him…a man that hurts me so much. He accuses me of that probably 2-3 times a week minimum, b/c I don’t choose to work as much as him and I am in nursing school full-time (most of the girls who go don’t even work in the first place b/c of the time-consuming nature of nursing school). When we moved out, he knew the situation and he rubs it in my face all the time. I was very hesitant to move in w/ him b/c of this, I knew he would be footing most of the bills and so did he. He still wanted to do it, I had a good arrangement living w/ my mom. He wants me to be like his mom and cook and clean 24/7...I find other things in life more important. I’m not like her in that way and he knew I wasn’t. I keep the kitchen clean and do some stuff around the house but I am not obsessive about cleaning like he is. I don’t live in filth or anything, but he sees messes that I just can’t see. I’ve been spending 9hrs a day for the past week tutoring a friend who may fail out of nursing school b/c I felt it was the right thing to do, and I haven’t been able to clean like he wants. He even encouraged me to do this for her. Well, I asked for the ring back about 5 mins. later (even though he was still being a jerk) and he refused to give it to me. He then left for work. It really hurts me when he says those things and I know I may have over-reacted throwing it at him, but I just felt so tethered to him when he was hurting me while I had that ring on…it was weird. I looked at it and it made me feel nauseous. So, I’m taking my dog and packing up some stuff to go to my mom’s for the weekend (at least). Am I wrong? He will inevitably call me like he always does and beg me to come back, say he’s wrong like always…but….I’m sick of it. Does that nauseous feeling I felt when looking at the ring at the time mean anything? Did I over-react way too much? Am I completely wrong? Is this common for newly engaged women to feel burdened by the weight of the commitment? I’m a product of a divorce, so marriage does not appeal to me like it does him, it scares me. My childhood was tumultuous b/c of it. I do love him, but I’m just scared I guess. There are lots of other good qualities but his negative attitude is just eating away at me and overwhelming all of his good stuff. Sorry this is so long, but I have to get this out. Thanks for all your advice.

Answer 1

Its sounds like you may care for the guy but you really want out of the relationship or at least be separated , go back and live with you mom if you can


good luck

Answer 2

Part of the issue is that even though you got engaged last week, you two have been together for so long that you have probably already talked about marriage and just recently made it official, so it's finally "for real" and you (plural) are now having to take the relationship very seriously. It feels suffocating to both and you are going to react more intensely to all those little things which sort of bothered you before but you kept beneath the surface.
In a word, the answer is counseling. Marriage is a serious thing and should be approached that way. If you two can sit down with someone, maybe you can reason out if you should get married (side note: being together so long, especially living together, is marriage just a piece of paper to make official what you're already doing?) and the areas you need to work on, deal with, or adjust to.

Answer 3

im sure you feel better for ranting and getting it all off your chest as we all would. knowing you have more or less signed the 'marriage' agreement and seeing things deteriorate before your eyes before you have even walked down the isle is something i feel many people do,,you agree to marry the good side of the person but keep on finding the bad side crops up all the time and you are not sure if it is actually 'that' person you will end up living with. truth be known you and he have to battle out your issues because you both have them,,he has to want to marry YOU not someone he is trying to turn you into and vise versa,acknowledging you are scared is something he needs to understand because there is no turning back after the 'i do,s' while at the same time he needs to acknowledge sometimes his behavior and attitude is effecting the way you feel about him,,you both have choices from you not picking at him as soon as he gets up out of bed knowing he is always in a foul mood,to him not thinking that talking to you in a manner or disrespect will make you comply with his wishes.....you have nothing to lose by telling him exactly what you are think and hopefully he will do the same.if you both really want this relationship to work then you both have to admit you could be happier with just a little effort and compromise.

Answer 4

Hey girl. Im engaged to getting married this fall so I hear ya about the big commitment thing. Honestly, after reading this the first thing that came to mind was...God please do not let them get married! Im not saying that because it could never work, but Im just such a big stickler about disrespect with my fiance. Thats a big thing with us and if we see eachother getting like that we say: "settle down there pal...and lose the attitude." I really feel like if you lose that respect then it's really hard to get back if you ever can, and from experience, can later lead to so much hate and anger that it can turn violent. If I were you, I would let him have the ring back for now. Im not sure how much you've planned yet, but dont make any more wedding plans just yet. I would see if you can move back to your Mom's to clear your head. Talk with everyone around you that you trust and that really loves you and ask for their honest opinion about the situation....many times people can see success or disaster a lot better from an outside view. Follow your heart. Think about it sweetie....being engaged and planning the wedding of your dreams is supposed to be the best and most exciting time of your life. If it isn't I would seriously re-consider this emotional and very legal commitment. You sound like you have your head on your shoulders and have a lot going for you. Dont let anyone cut you down and bring negativity into your life and destroy your spirit.

Best of luck to you =)

Answer 5

Well, chicky--don't you dare put that ring back on! Sounds like your man is slightly passive aggressive--says one thing, but does another. He'll say what you want to hear and go along with everything, but secretely resent you for it. I'm married to a man like that myself, and let me tell you--it SUCKS. He walks around in this pissy little mood all the time but he'll say everything's fine (even when it's obviously not.) Then he'll blow up over something little and it will escalate into this massive argument over much larger issues.

And hey--no one deserves to be called names like that. Your man may also have abusive tendancies. Before you marry him (if that's still what you're bent on doing), you should really consider couples counselling.

Answer 6

well you don't need someone treating you like that. You need to focus on your studies and get your life started. Yah he may love you and you may love him. But love blinds people to the TRUTH. Make a list of all the good things he has done for you. I mean just you mentioning the fact that you asked for the ring back and he didn't give you it beg gives me the impression that you are in the tips of his fingers He can control you anytime he wants. Maybe that's why he gets mad at you and treats you like crap because he know that you "love" him and would never leave him. Be in control of the relationship and do not let no one step on you.

Answer 7

I feel for you. I go through the same thing with my husband. He thinks he can get into his little moods whenever he wants as if hes sitting on a throne or something! No, but if its me, Im either cheating or something else is wrong. These kind of men are spoiled brats and are used to getting their way. They need someone who isnt gonna tolerate their sh*t! They dont deserve nice girls like us who put up with it. They need to literally be put in their place! Sweetie, I can tell you if you dont wanna live in misery with this guy your whole life, leave now!! I have been with my husband for 14 yrs and he has never changed and I know he never will. Hes just one of them guys. Its too late for me. We have 3 kids together whom I could never rip their hearts by leaving him now. Dont get stuck in my situation.

Answer 8

I"m not sure but it sounds like he is a person who needs to be left alone in the morning. You sound like you are very chatty in the morning. His choice of words when he is aggravated is not acceptable though. Maybe you two should slow down and make sure you can make a go of this relationship. You can love someone but can't live with them so it's important that you are very sure.

Answer 9

Okay, he is like this every morning and he thinks it's okay to call you foul names? Do you really want to spend the rest of your life this way? Keep in mind that it will not get better, only worse as time goes on. Maybe you might want to think about ending this before you actually get married.

Answer 10

There are a lot on replies on this, so I will just give you my take on it. DO NOT marry this man, my ex-husband was like this and you will just be miserable. There is no reason to tolerate his name calling. My ex berated me for staying home after our kid was born, even though he agreed it was the best thing to do. GET OUT.