I am 22 years old, my husband is 24. We have been married a year. We dated for a year before marriage. During the year of us dating, I caught him in numerous lies. Most were stupid lies, but still lies. About 3 weeks after our marriage he left me for 9 weeks for Naval boot camp. He is currently active in the US Navy. Since we have been back together(around 6 months), he has not lied to me that I have found out about. I recently caught him adding a single female from one of his training classes to his myspace account. He first told me she added him, but than recanted that. Over the past 3 days, I have done my own research on the situation. I have found that he hangs out with her out of class. To me it is wrong for any married person to hang out with a person of the opposite sex who is not married. I understand talking to her in class, but taking it outside of class is wrong to me. The problem now is that I do not trust him in the LEAST bit. Can our marriage still work and how?
2007-05-04 11:33:09 · 8 answers · asked by burchell506 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
They were hanging out as friends from what I have been told. Nothing as a date or such. Just friends, but he tried to hide all of this from me, but did not suceed at it. That's why I've lost all trust for him. Is it possible to ever trust him again?
2007-05-04 11:47:37 · update #1
Your husband is treading in dangerous territory hanging out with a female friend. It can lead to something more then friendship. I don't think it's a good idea.
If a man lies to you in one area of his life then he lies to you in others. You are out of integrity when you are not honest.
I guess you have to ask yourself if you want to stay with him even though you don't trust him. I would bet at least 50% of married people do not trust their spouse but still stay with them.
2007-05-04 12:06:39 · answer #1 · answered by April First 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think trust in marriage is probably the most important aspect of any relationship. I think by him covering up this activity he
knew he was doing something wrong and knew by even telling you something about it he would most likely be lying. I think what you have found out to be very suspicious in nature and well grounds for a divorce. If he rather spend time with this classmate then with you something is messed up in your marriage.
I think it due time for you to confront him about this mystery lady and to tell him either he stops all further communication
with her other then work that he will be getting served with divorce papers. If he has not done anything yet that does not mean something will not happen. He has lied to you in the past so what makes you think he would not cheat on you?.
I think you have to listen to your gut instinct and go from there just from reading this I would kick him to the curb. Really why would he put a single women that you do not even know on a myspace account which he should not have in the first place.
Best Wishes and Good Luck on what you decide to do!
2007-05-04 12:11:35 · answer #2 · answered by Livinrawguy 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Absolutely trust, or lack thereof, can ruin a marriage. And it sounds like you have every right to be suspicous! I agree that when you're married, you shouldn't be chatting online with any single members of the opposite sex. The question is....do you want your marriage to work?
If you want your marriage to work, then you have to let go. Completely and totally. You have to decide to trust him and not look back. Easier said that done, i realize, but as long as you're looking over your shoulder (and his), you will never fully be able to give him all your love. In the same token, he has some serious sucking up to do. He has proved himself to be unworthy and unreliable with his truth telling and he needs to prove to you that there is nothing to worry about. On the one hand, maybe he's being truthful. Maybe they are just friends..
Counselling? Have him drop the friend? I don't really know what the answer is, but you have every right to be nervous about this and I'd by lying if I said I would be okay with it too.
Oh - by the way, if you've found that he's hanging with her out of class, is that not lying in some sense of the word?
2007-05-04 12:03:38 · answer #3 · answered by Shannon H 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Yes your marriage could still work but you have to learn to trust him as well he would have to stop lying to you. This girl could be a friend and nothing else and I think that this could work if certain ideas aren't worked up against his freedom maybe he would stop lying and you could start trusting. Look at it this way you don't believe that a single person shouldn't be hanging out with a married person of the opposite sex but what if he found a female friend that he thinks is just cool? He would be backed up against a wall at answering all sort of questions. As well exactly what is happening is something that he probably was trying to prevent and that is your mistrust.
You seem to really care about your husband so this is all on you here you need to give a little to get. Trust is something that is earned I agree but give him a chance. Men they aren't as smart as us and this is why God created them to be silly so that they can't be smarter than us as well they can be out smarted. There are the few con men and trust me if you have chosen one of them you are in for a lot of trouble. Be glad that he can't lie too good or doesn't have a very good memory. Try to trust him a little but for your curiosity sake ask him to invite her and some other soldiers and have a nice formal dinner. Watch their movements and make friends with her then when you are just about cool and could talk and you find out what is her deal you can either come out and ask her or make up your mind about her. Yes it is a very sneaky move but it is still an idea the main thing is to get close to her as friends.
2007-05-04 11:56:42 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I've been married to my husband for 5 years and we've had trust issues. Similar to what you say, stupid little stuff. Even that drives me crazy. He has been better, but I still don't understand why he'd lie about some of the things he did.
I, however, would not tolerate the hanging out with a different girl thing though. I agree with you completely, a married man should not put himself in that position (hanging out with a single or married even woman) It's just not appropriate.
Your marriage can still work. You need to continuously stress to him the importance of honesty. I've made it clear that the truth may get you an angry wife for a week, but a liar will piss me off forever!!!!
2007-05-04 11:56:50 · answer #5 · answered by Wendy B 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
no
it will not survive
both of you got married too young
the divorce rate in your group hovers around 65%
at those young ages neither have established a good solid career
you lack the family ties to make a strong marriage work
so hence his wandering eyes
and your correct having a young attractive female go out with him for a casual outing is a bad preposition
divorce him now
do not wait
do not give him a second chance
do it now so you have no regrets
build up your future
then later think about a realtionship
BTW you know how the Navy guys are.. especially in ports of call in foreign places....
2007-05-04 13:25:45 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Thats a tough one. Its hard to trust someone who has lied about anything, because if they lie about one thing, even small, they could be lying about anything! Let him know how you feel without seeming too insecure, and see how he reacts. If he hangs out with her outside of class, what are they doing? Is it dating? Or do they have common interests or something? I agree he should not be hanging out with another woman he should be with his wife.
2007-05-04 11:42:59 · answer #7 · answered by c 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sounds like your the one with the issues! Why are you spying on him so much? If you don't trust him then leave him. It sounds like your trying to justify leaving him in your question.
2007-05-04 14:06:30 · answer #8 · answered by G Money 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋