Husband of 7 years going to visit family on other continent for months, I'm ill/unemployed. Should I be angry?

Question

For 18 months I've been ill & in & out of the hospital. I’ve work a few days then I'll get sick, have to leave the job or they fire me b/c I can't perform like the others. My husband has been supporting me financially this whole time. I’m constantly trying to get/keep a job. A few times he became angry with me for getting fired or throwing up on myself at work when ill, but overall he's been accepting. He carries us both of us financially on a taxi driver's budget. Also his kids from a prior marriage moved in with us 9 mos ago (ages 14, 18 & 20 all males) he doesn't think they should pay bills. He supports them about 80%. He's scheduled to go to Africa for 2-3 months. He goes every other yr. Usually I’m working but not now. I have no family, disability takes yrs to get. Should I be mad at myself for telling him, "Oh I'll be fine on my own, go." Or should I be mad at him for even thinking about leaving me unemployed and ill to fend for myself? Or am I the bad guy here? Your thoughts?

Thanks to people giving sincere answers. I can't believe some people are actually suggesting that I become a STRIPPER and/or that I can just move on to a new man just like that ...or that I'm the same as my 18 year old male step son who's 17 yrs older than me and health and strong as an ox.

Oh Gawd...i mean I'm 17 yrs OLDER than him of course.

He's getting his sons a roomate situation with their uncle (his brother). As for me he's encouraging me try and find "some work that you can do even if 3 hrs a day" or to enter a nursing home if I can find one that will accept delayed payment.

Answer 1

You can't be angry with him for going, after all you did tell him it was ok. But if he hasn't purchased the plane tickets yet you should sit down and tell him sincerely and honestly from your heart that you do not feel healthy enough to be left alone and ask him to postpone the trip until you are better. Is he leaving you with enough money to eat, pay bills, buy medicine, etc.? Is there a good friend who can come and stay with you while he is away?

Answer 2

Wow! Is this a saga or what? I think the guy needs to get away for a while for a mental health break! I'm sure he feels a load of responsibility weighing on his shoulders all the time. This trip will probably help him keep his sanity. I think he should go - maybe for not as long as he normally does. As far as the boys go. Those two older ones should be handing over some room and board money. Maybe its not what they do where your husband comes from - but that's what we do here in this country. It's called teaching them financial responsibility - and it won't hurt them one bit to work and assist financially with the household bills. I'd stand firm on that one! As for you - if you can't work you can't work. But if your illness and disability is that severe you should be able to get compensation sooner that "years" away. My husband at age 35 was diagnosed with severe heart disease and started receiving state disability within 5 months! I'd start doing my research if I were you. And by the way - your not the "bad guy" you're just scared and feel helpless. And I think deep down you know that your husband really needs a break. Ask him to cut his visit shorter that usual. Eight weeks won;t be that bad. You can hang in there and when he gets back he'll have more motivation and energy to carry the weight of the world on his shoulders again.

Answer 3

Looks like he's been a great supporter of you and his children. Seems wierd that you believe that his children should pay their due when it comes to bills/rent yet you feel justified by your not doing so. You said you were ill but you never said what the diagnosis was. This would change my response greatly depending on the seriousness of the issue. Realize that I had a girlfriend who was similar and suffered from depression and didn't get a job for the 3 years I was dating her. I lost respect for her because part of dealing with depression is getting back on the saddle and realizing there are good and bad days. Noone likes to go to work all the time, some people may enjoy their job however having to be some place 40 hours a week 5 days a week sucks!! Lastly, he's not leaving you unemployed that was your doing. He is leaving you to fend for youself and I think that it might be a good learning experience. What's this trip to Africa? Is it business? personal? I can understand your frustration if it's personal but it sounds like he supports you in all areas, maybe he feels like supporting this as well as a reward would not be justified.

Answer 4

Ouch! I'm so sorry for you, wrong, right, or in-between, it doesn't matter.
It's awesome that you acknowledge that there's some grey area, that you may be needing to change your own mind, too.
The thing is, you can feel whatever you want. And so can he. And truthfully, the clincher for me in this situation is that, whatever else you may need him to be,
he needs to take care of himself or he can't hold on and be strong for you.
My thing is, does it HAVE to be for this long?
How will you afford this?
How will you handle the new family relationships with three stepsons, and it's new in terms of the situation, for sure, when he's not around?
Can't he see his family for two weeks?
I understand that with travel time, that effectively means three to four weeks.
That's still too long for you, I feel.
But, if both of you are willing to give on this, then I think you will find some peace.
And he needs to realize that if he puts that much more stress on you, your health might further suffer.
You say you keep working, keep looking, keep trying?
That's a lot better than I'm doing with my social phobia, or whatever it is.
So, he's a lucky man for that, given the terrible circumstances.
I think you should express compassion- not empathy- compassion, and say that you're willing to let him go, but he SERIOUSLY needs to honor all the effort that you go through while ill.
Good luck, and feel as well as you can, and I hope that means eventually feeling altogether better!

Answer 5

I would start the disability process now... get a lawyer to help you with it. Then once it's all in place.... dump the jerk. It is better to be alone than with someone that insensitive.

Lawyers can get things pushed through faster and with a higher success rate, providing it is a disability that is considered perminent. You might even dump the guy now and get welfare assiatnce until the disability kicks in. That way you get food stamps, medical care and a bit of cash. But you would have to tell them that he left you, which he did.

I would be surprised if he comes back... why would any man leave his wife for months.

His kids should be working or in school. The ones that are working should be helping by at least helping with food costs.

Personally...tell him if he leaves, he better take the kids with because you are too sick to care for them or to work.

I hate people that act as he is acting....

Start fresh alone...you deserve it.

Answer 6

First of all, you should be his priority (you and his 14 year old son). Leaving you sick and unemployed to go to another country is unacceptable right now. He needs to take care of you. The 18 and 20 year old need to get a job and help pay the bills, they are old enough and are supposed to be adults now. Do you have any other family who can look after you? If not, you really have no choice but to insist that he stays.

Answer 7

oh sweetie dont worry. no, do not divorce her. the reason i am saying this is because my mother does the same thing. i am 28 yrs old, im not a little kid by the way. lol. but look my mother married my father they have been married 35 years. and my dad married her and they came to the usa and been here for 20 yrs. look she never sees her family, she has noone here, and visits her country every year and stays for about 2 months too. it is her obligation, to see her family, and keep them close, since she grew up with them and misses them. Ur wife, might just miss her family and it is normal, u should go with her, maybe for a week or 2 so u can see what she does, im sure is just spend quality time with her family. if she was real close to her family then i see why she feels obligated to be with them, it is totally understandable. dont worry, ok. and good luck!

Answer 8

Sounds like you are under a lot of stress! Three kids, not your own and a husband who sounds like he needs a break away. He probably does but so do you! What does your doctor say is the problem? What are you doing for yourself to get better? Your husband does not expect you to "look after the boys" while he is gone does he?

I think you need to be real honest with your husband, tell him how you feel about his trip and about being sick all this time. Good luck to you!

Answer 9

Your husband hasn't been 'supporting' you -- there's no such thing in a marriage. The money he makes is BOTH of yours -- just as any money you make belongs to you both. Even if you can't work, I'm sure you do things -- laundry, cooking, housekeeping -- that help run the household.

He married you 'for better or worse.' He shouldn't even THINK of leaving you when you are so ill -- and if he does, he should AT LEAST make financial arrangements so that you will be OK while he's gone.

Good luck.

Answer 10

2-3 months is too long to leave an ill spouse. Bad boy! Go ahead, I'll be fine. Bad girl. You accepted the situation and now you're stuck, as I think you know.