How do you break down the wall in order to feel again and allow someone else in?

Question

It seems as though since my husband abandoned me, our marriage, and had his early mid life crises that I began to build an incredibly high wall. Based on my beliefs that as a Christian, I cannot re marry unless he dies, I have been really going against my beliefs and allowing a relationship with a really great guy to begin. My heart is still very walled up though. Should I assume that I am not supposed to continue being open to loving again because of this wall and my beliefs, or should I just assume that the wall is there because I was hurt and it will take more then the 3 years its been to break it down and allow a wonderful man into it? What do you think? how do I break it down if I should?

Answer 1

Go to the topical index in your Bible and look up divorce. You will find both Old Testament and New Testament verses that allow remarriage after divorce in cases of adultery. You do not have to wait until he dies. You do need to forgive him and I know how hard this is. Every day when you pray tell God that you forgive him even though you do not feel it in your heart and eventually you will learn to forgive.
As for the wall, I'm not sure. It is a great defense mechanism. It was not put there to keep others out but to numb the pain. You need to deal with the hurt, love yourself and allow yourself to be happy again (this has nothing to do with another man). You need to let all the bad out.
After you have done this (it may take a while) then you can meet a wonderful man and be friends and learn to trust him as a friend. If he loves you he will take it slow and let you let him in at a rate that you are comfortable with.
I agree with the others that counseling would be a great benefit to you. It will help show you the ways to release the pain and break down the wall because sometimes when things (the wall) have been there for so long they are hard to let go of.

Answer 2

Why would you allow this new man into your life, no matter how wonderful he is, if your beliefs dictate that you can't remarry unless your husband dies.
I myself don't understand that belief and it's something I think you should work on with your pastor. You need a divorce to make your husband's abandonment have its consequences in your spiritual life.
That is really what your question is all about - this belief. Because divorce is in order here. Either that or else force the issue of your husband's crisis and start putting that marriage back together.
It occurs to me that I'm assuming your husband physically left you and the home. If not, then you definitely have to put that marriage back together or make some clear-cut decisions together about whether to stay married.
This new guy - great. But marriage vows are not about pledging to each other until bad times come along and a great new guy comes along. That is the bottom line, sorry to say. I don't care if the new guy is your soul mate and you know it and he knows it and everyone knows it. He's not your husband - you already have one.
Less religious people or non-religious people will say yeah, yeah, religion has its place but don't allow it to screw up your life.
I say (and I'm not the most religious person, not by a long shot), this is exactly where religion has its place. Get a divorce.

Answer 3

Really it is not that easy to break down a wall that you yourself built up out of pain and disbelief. To let someone in is just so hard after something so painful. And really you do feel kind of guilty especially going against your beliefs. But are you supposed to stay miserable the rest of your life? Maybe it might be love and you've already took a huge step by breaking down a little of that wall: you're allowing a relationship. So obviously he might just be a great guy if he's accomplished the motivation in you to break some of the wall down. Give yourself a chance. Take this as a life lesson a precious gift, your husband's abandonment didn't kill you and you are moving on. So go with the flow and open your heart, I'm sure it's beautiful and you want to find happiness. Live life to it's fullest in a positive manner. No one can make you who you are, only yourself. So do you want to be miserable or happy? You are the only one to decide. : ) I hope everything goes well for you.

Answer 4

I think you should start by talking to a religious leader in your church. I am not certain, but I believe abandonment is often a basis for divorce within the church. If you get those answers it will help you feel more spiritually alright. You have to accept that people are weak and don't always do the right thing and that just because this one idiot did the wrong thing doesn't mean the next man will. You are worthy of being loved and respected and there is someone out there who will do that. The problem is, there is no way of being in a serious relationship without being vulnerable. You have to make the choice that the risk of being hurt is worth having someone who loves you and who you can love back. It is hard but you have already survived the breakup. You know it won't kill you. You are alive. Do you want to be alone? Can you be happy and fulfilled being alone? If not, you have to take the risk. Be honest with the people you meet and don't compromise your beliefs or your personal security trying to get something. Be available for a relationship and follow your heart where it goes. Not every date has to end in love, sex and marriage. It is more important to respect yourself and the people around you than to keep quite and hurt yourself trying to please others.
I know this is easier said than done. You need to mentally commit to being more emotionally available and the push yourself. Don't let others push you. Continue to expand your comfort zone until you meet someone you trust and connect with, throw caution to the wind and love him.

Answer 5

If you don't read anything else, please read this.The wall is natural. What you have to tell yourself daily, is every one is different and be open and honest with him about your feelings. If you know God then you know the power of prayer. Use it. As for your beliefs, God's word is simple, but when it get into the hands of certain people it can be misused. The word say'', You shouldn't divorce except for fornacation. How do married people fornacate? Look up the word in that passage and see what it meant in Hebrew. In Hebrew the word in this passage meant '' sexual immorality'' meaning if he cheats on you, then you are free to leave and marry again if you want to. If you choose to forgive him and live with him then you are more then welcome. Think for yourself, If you have a spouse that cheats and come home to sleep with you also, with the danger of AIDS, are you suppose to lie down and risk the chance of dying? Just because you had a cheating husband and you put him away, does that mean you should live the rest of your life on earth alone? God is a God of love and he said WHAT GOD PUT TOGETHER, LET NO MAN DRAW ASSUNDER. When we get married, we don't ask God about some of these people we have married. We marry them on our own. So he didn't put these marriages together. If he put them together, then the marriages would last. Live free not in bondage, that is a sin what you are doing. Don't let somebody else make you a prisoner in your own skin, while you are building walls, your ex have moved on. It took a man to knock my wall down. We didn't stay together, he was only in my life for that season of knocking that wall down that I allow a another human being cause me to build. Go to another trusted pastor and ask them about what Paul said about marriage. Good luck

Answer 6

I am going through the same thing as you. My husband cheated and although I forgave him, he said he did not love me anymore and ended the marriage. This devastated me (I had just given birth to our son), and I thought I would never love again. I believe that when you have no choice in the break up of your marriage, then God will not expect you to not love again or remarry. I have fallen in love with a very special man who is amazing with my son. I have allowed myself to love again, and although sometimes it still feels like there is a "wall" there, I know that with time it will get better. Pray and ask God, and then I think you should allow this man to love you and help you to "break" this wall down. Talk to him about it, and pray together about it. Good Luck and God Bless

Answer 7

no, when he left you like he did he broke the vow he made to u and God, a man that does not take care of his home is less then a man, so he left you free to date , but make sure you are ready and your heart has healed for you can have a whole relationship, you don't want to be on the rebound and take your junk into a marriage. deal with where it went wrong
cause we as woman play a part also, i have been there and there was more i could have done but i wasn't mature to know then but the next time i will and now i have been taught how to love me and take of me so i can the next man i date
i didn't want to be needy and graping cause i was afraid to be alone , I'm learning that AM OK if I'm by self and if i have someone, because i love me, so i light my own candle, go to the show , buy my own diamond rings etc. until God send me the right one . mess in mess out, i will not choose anymore he will have to do it for me. so enjoy dating it's to see what a person is like or if you want to be with him . you are free.

Answer 8

Well being a well rounded heathen. And having a some what steel heart. I think your walls are from being hurt. Good thing is these wall can come down. The bad thing for me is I can throw them up again at a bat of an eye. Therapy can help us I think.

Answer 9

Well what kind of a God wouldn't want you to be happy- you didn't ask for your husband to abandon you did you? God made us to have a mate didn't he? We were created in pairs. Maybe you should have some counselling and re-examine your beliefs- this life only comes around once- live it and be happy- goodness theres so much unhappiness in the world we don't need to add to it by creating our own unhappiness by worrying about what God wants.
Libs

Answer 10

You have values and morals and that is a great thing, but God makes exceptions for divorce and adultry is one of those exceptions...if your estranged husband has had relations outside your marriage ....I assume he has.....then you are no longer held to your commitment. It is in the bible and if I knew the passage I would quote it but it is in there.
Trust may be the other major issue to get past as well and that will take time.