Getting married in July of this year, but fiance....?

Question

Ok, I am getting married in July of this year to my wonderful Fiancee, but she is insisting on being friends with her ex, who was her first for nearly everything.

She was adamant about not being friends with him up until a few days ago. She met with him for lunch one day without me knowing for 'closure'. She said she got the closure and didn't want anything to do with him. Now she wants to be friends with him again. He cheated on her before and tried to get her to back out with him through her grandparents.

I am not sure how to react here, I trust her and she says she is over him, but things have changed for her lately (she won't say) and she wants to be friends with him again. He is just looking for any edge to sneak in and steal her and she does not even see it. What do I do?

She says he has changed and she hates having enemies....

I SAID: I just want you to know that, not because of a lack of trust for you, I am seriously uneasy with it. I am not controlling nor am I ever telling you what to do, I just want you to know how I feel about it. He is an EX for a reason, no matter if he changed or not. How would you feel if I was friends with my close female friends who wanted to date me still?

SHE SAID: I would be cautious about it,but i would trust you to do the right thing, and leave you alone about it

Answer 1

This could have been written by my husband.

Trust her. You can't go into a marriage if you doubt her. Tell her they can be friends via email, phone, etc...but you would appreciate it if she not see him in person if at all possible. This is just out of respect for you.

I know where she's coming from. Holding onto a grudge with an ex hurts and is stressful. It's much better to be on good terms with them.

If she refuses to not see him though, you may have some other issues.

Answer 2

Trust is one thing neing a complete blinded idiot is another.
She has not gotten over her ex and you may just have been the rebound guy. She is making excuses and telling you he has changed if she did not want anything to do with him romantically why would it matter if he changed?. I think you need to call off the wedding and tell her that if she cannot be married to you and have nothing to do with this guy. Then you do not feel comfortable marrying her at this time. I think she is fooling around with this guy maybe not right now but it will happen if she want's to keep him close as a friend. When you get married or are even engaged to someone having a person of the opposite sex as a friend is wrong and when it is an ex BF or spouse even that is RED FLAG territory. She doesn't care about you if she is reluctant to end this friendship or whatever it is.

God Bless and Best Wishes.

Answer 3

I'd postpone the wedding until this conflict is cleared up.
She's got a hell of a nerve with a wedding in tthe works to start opening up old issues like this which are so potentially threatening. Wow. The only way you could make it worse is for you to do that yourself: revisit your old flames. Tell your fiance that you need closure too. Tell her that you want to still be close to these women you broke up with or who broke up with you. You want to make absolutely sure that breaking up was the right thing to do with them - who know, maybe you could have worked out at least one of those relationships. You need to know.
If one of the women wants to get back with you, despite the fact that you are about to be married, you owe it to yourself to hear her out and leave that door open.
After all, it's better to have a friend than an enemy, right?
Yes, I think your fiance is not being so wonderful. Marriage is a big step so start making plans now to postpone the wedding. She's not ready. She probably felt good meeting wtih this guy because she IS engaged. She felt confident and able to converse with him because she is engaged. It's great revenge, even, to be able to be flirtatious or just friendly with someone who cheated on you... when you know you have a solid relationship behind you. However, why she would want to keep that communication going - that's the problem!
There is no reason to keep a single guy in your life when you have that history.
I vote her off of Wedding Idol.

Answer 4

My ex was my first everything, when ever we run into each other the sparks flew. I left a twelve year marrage over him, I loved himso much I took my kids and left a house and another whole life to be with him. This was my love of the centery. We lived togther several times after our divorce and never could give up the feelings until the last time we were together. This all went on for26 years from the time we were 17 till we were 43. It took that much time to end this for good. We are not friends and I haven't seen him in 7 years and don't dwell on it anymore. He is the only man I ever loved. my over 2 husbands are my friends and campions. Hope she doesn't have the same attaction to her ex that I did, because no one or nothing at that time in my life meant anything except my 2 kids(my ex and I never had kids but, our feelings were out of control).

Answer 5

She is still in love with him. You might as well face the facts. The truth is, if she was over him-why did she need closure? She is just looking for an excuse to be with him. I predict she won't marry you or if you do marry she will end up leaving you later on for this guy.
Sometimes there is one true love in a person's life and no matter how hard they try or want something else to work, it just isn't there with anyone else. Don't fool yourself...she knows exactly what she is doing. She's following her heart and unfortunately it is leading to someone else.
She loves him and you should let her go, if you love her. It would be the easiest for both of you if you said goodbye, now. Don't let it linger or there will be hard feelings. Do the right thing. You knew in your heart the answer before you ever posted this question. Good luck!!!!!!!!!!

Answer 6

Maybe you should post-pone the wedding? She is obviously not hearing your warnings. This will no doubt get worse and you should be able to break off an engagement as apposed to getting a divorce. If you feel there is something she is not telling you, your probably right. I have seen several people be friends with an ex only to end up having an affair with them. They enjoy the attention of someone who left them and old memories come back, then oops an affair. Maybe try having him over for a bar b q. If he wants to be her friend, then he can be both of your friends right? Or does she want him all to herself? You will be able to see the signs anyway if they are together. Good Luck.

Answer 7

She sounds like she is not ready to be engaged to you. There may be nothing there to be upset about, but this also could be the biggest red flag to you saying that she is not ready to be fully committed to you. It sounds like you want to trust everything she says, but just can't. There is nothing wrong with that. If you were my brother or my best friend, I would tell you that you need to gracefully bow out for the time being and tell her that you love her more than anything, but you see that she is confused about where her heart should be. Tell her you understand, and even though it is going to hurt, you are willing to stand aside and let her make her decisions. If she comes back to you with him completely gone from her, then you can decide if there is a future here fo the two of you. If she does not come back to you and goes to him, you need to move on. It will hurt, but be way easier than having a marriage with a third person lurking and potential problems AFTER you tie the knot. None of us likes getting hurt, but I think if it causes you any greif, she should not have hung out with this guy without you being there. There are issues her that SHE has and needs to get past. Tell her you can pick up where you left off after this guy is well out of the way. LORI

Answer 8

Its allways hard to get over your first. They will allways hold a place in your heart. And no matter who else follows that person will allways be there. You have to be understanding and you have to trust her. He may very well be attempting to get her back. All you can do is be there for her. If you truly love her then all you want is her happiness wether its with you or someone else. You have to show her that you are better than him. That you won't play petty games. That you will not hurt her. Like he did. But don't just role over neither. Don't let her play games with your heart the way he is doing with hers.

I am friends with my ex-wife we talk all the time. And her husband knows. And of course we still love eachother . But realize we Just didn't have what it took for a lasting marriage together she has been remarried now for 8 yrs and I to have married again. So just being friends is possible. Oh and my wife talks to her ex also so I know both sides.

Answer 9

Okay me and my hubby argue about this all the time. Should you both have friends, yes, but if that friend or friendship makes the other feel uncomfortable should you remain friends with them? No. I hate jealousy and people who try and control their mate or ask them to cut off friendships youve had before them but in this case why does she need his friendship? tell her if shed like to keep him as an accuaintance fine, but youd feel better if she didnt have any contact at all with him, you are starting a marriage on the wrong path already though bud, your feelings should go before anything - she must be young, dumb and still full of a come for this guy- talk it over though if you love her and make her see your position or take pretend to take up a friendship with an old ex see how she reacts............

Answer 10

Save yourself the heart ache and back out now. I know this will be hard,but you should run while you can and don't believe what she say about closure. She have never stopped loving this cheater and she can't see what he is doing to her now. Do your woman a favor, tell her to go be with him so she can make sure that marring you is the right thing for the both of you. Tell her you don't want 3 people in your bed and in your marriage.