"I cant go to my loved's one funeral because I love the person too much"?

Question

"If I go I would suffer too much, I can't face it."

I used to think this way also but Ive analized that this is a very *selfish* decision. Suppose you father dies. Your mother and brothers would like you to be there. When something like this happen you've got to take it like a man or a "woman" and face it.

Your thoughts?

I just think being a no-show in times of crisis because you dont want to feel bad or suffer is a display of selfishness, under any conditions

Just to clear something up, my question has quotation marks because it was a friend's of mine mom's (not mine, thank god) and I was paraphrasing what my friend said. I told him it was selfish and he got angry.

Answer 1

You are right. The reasons your friend used to defend not going were selfish ones. HIS pain was too great.

But you are also wrong. Why should he suffer pain at a funeral? To make the pain of others less? How SELFISH of those other people to expect that!

And there is not even any reason to believe that having more people there would have made the event easier. Is a person with a million attendees at a funeral really less miserable than one who is there alone?

I think real support isn't just about what someone does for a couple hours, but what they do for weeks, months, and longer. One funeral in the grand scheme of things is small change.

Ultimately it is WRONG to expect that people MUST fall in line with your expectations on every occasion. That is what puppets and slaves do, not real people. Real people make their own decisions. Respect that.

Answer 2

Its wrong for some to dictate how any one other person should feel!!! Its not selfish for the person not to attend like that. Funerals and cemertaries are for the living, not for the dead. One reason why someone would not go to their mothers services...

They don't wish to remember her and have their last sight of her laying there dead in a box, they'd prefer to remember her in all the wonderful ways while living.

The correlation between other surviving members of the family and the person not going would be far more important here as an issue! Depending on their views, beliefs. These things opens up several cans of worms (no pun intended).... Some say as a sign of respect they should force themselves to attend.... B*** SH**!!!!!!! THAT kind of thing is where the real selfishness and guilt trips come into play!

Answer 3

I have been through MANY funerals including my Dads & unfortunatly my son's, my earliest was when I was maybe 5. My parents taught me that it's a way of life, & death is a part of life, that it's ok to cry over the one that has pased on, that it's ok to feel the hurt & to talk about it with the ones that are at the funeral & it will help the grieving process. I still talk about all the loved ones I have lost because it helps me remeber them so well & it helps me to not hurt so much even if some have been gone for a long time.

Answer 4

It's not selfish. It's not fair to judge someone who is so distraught & suffering a loss. They may need to grieve on their own without an audience. I still think they should go though, even if just for their own peace of mind because they may regret not going later on. When a close friend passed away last year I knew it was going to be heartwrenching at the funeral but I went. It's important to have a sense of closure & to say goodbye. Even though I don't enjoy bawling my eyes out in front of hundreds of strangers, I didn't care at that point & it meant a lot to his sister to have me there. I lit a candle for him. It was sad. They had a lot of pictures of me with him by his urn (from our Algonquin trip etc).

I think it's better to go but I think it would be very unsympathetic to call someone selfish for not going. Death is the most difficult thing we face as humans. Losing a loved one is devestating. It's hard to be strong. Give people space to grieve. Don't judge them so harshly.

Answer 5

I would have to go. I would have to do it out of respect for the individual, and out of respect for the wonderful impact they have had on my life. I would want to say goodbye. But everyone deals with the greiving process in different ways. You can't judge a person if they simply find it easier by not attending the funeral. It would be harder to accept that they have passed away if you were to not attend the funeral, though. It may make it harder to deal with in the long run. It is wise to remember them for who they were when they were alive, but by not attending the funeral, it may cause someone to hold onto those memories so much that they are not able to accept that they have passed. They may find it more difficult be able to move on with their life. But it is everyone's own choice on what they do. Her feelings are understandable. Don't lable her as selfish, she simply cannot accept it in her heart that this person has passed. She needs someone to be there for her and to help her accept this, and to help her greive so that she can move on.

Answer 6

Personally, I agree with you. It is a very selfish decision not to go the funeral. Afterall, funerals are for the living not for the dead. It is the living relatives that gain by 'your' (or your friends) presence and the support thereof. It is also the living relatives that hurt by 'your' absence.

Answer 7

I always feel like I am not going to the funeral JUST for the person who has died, but I am also going to show my love and support for the people who are still here. They need you there and that is why you should go.

Answer 8

No..that's a cop-out and IS very selfish. Funerals are really for the living, not the dead.
I have never fogotten the people who did not come to my husband's funeral for some of the very same LAME excuses..I needed them there for ME...and the family.
Put on your "big girl" panties (or big boy drawers) and get over yourself...stop your whinning and BE there for your loved ones who are still HERE. I have yet, 6 years later, to forgive the ones who were not there for me...

Answer 9

I don't think you can judge this by hypothetical examples. Each person, each death and each family will be different. You are making assumptions that may or may not be true. I wouldn't judge anyone for how they deal with their grief, they need your support and help even when you don't agree with their decisions.

Answer 10

We've all lost someone. The first time I lost someone I loved I could not face it either and later I regretted it. So, I would suggest to go for it.