How do you cope with people saying that you are no longer a parent once your child has died?

Question

Sister told me that I need to forget about my child, because my child has forgotten about me. That I am living in a fairy tale world and need to wake up, because I don't feel like participating in Mother's Day activities with the rest of my family.Every Mother's Day, I am always ignored by them. Never recognized in any way as being a mother.

Answer 1

I am a guy, but I can assure you the worst and i really mean the worst pain this world has to offer is when a parent has to bury their child. I too have lost a child, to a disease called Propionic Acidemia, she was 22 months old when we had to bury her.
I have to feel that this type of situation makes you more so a parent because you are the guardian of forever. It is now left to you to ensure the memory is kept alive, it is to you to ensure the child is remembered in a proper tone.
Some people may very well say " You should forget about it and move on" however, you need to keep in mind " They have yet to walk in your shoes."
For them to say " your child has forgotten about you" is not only a stupid statement, it is only " their" interpretation of events. They have no real and true way of knowing this unless they have spoken to your child since the death. This merely indicates to me this person does not like to face the true face of life, this person likes to live in the illusion of a guaranteed tomorrow, a protected wold where there is no sadness and only happiness surrounds us. Just wait....because in each of our lives a little rainfall must fall. One day she is going to have a downpour and she will be coming to you with her problems and talking about it daily over and over and over...She just won't let it go. Today she don't understand....sometimes there are things that are so horrific, they hit us so deep in the most primitive feelings of our core that we can't " Just Let It Go.' It taunts us daily, yearly and it will be a part of who we are and who we have evolved into. It is our reminder of a dark time for us which is also that reflection of just how quick our secure lives can change. In a blink of an eye one's entire world can be so vastly different from what it was just moments earlier.
I have never forgotten about my child, and you will never forget about yous either. she may not like to hear this, to be reminded that life is " Not" a trip to candy land, but as hard as that may be for her of itself it is a fact of life. Perhpas she could very well just forget about her children simply because they are not with her.....but she surely cannot expect other people to be just like her, others actually form bonds with their children and when they go out unto the world, or in this case go unto a place beyond this world. We still wory of them, think about them, and remminice about happy times when we were all together as one happy family....... the older we get the more value our memories have, and the more we learn not to pay attention to those who differ in our opinions ( this is why you'll often see old people being so opinionated).

Do not listen to her, and cherrish your memories and speak of your child as often as you lke ....

Answer 2

Read my lips: "YOU ARE A MOTHER!!!". Anyone who has had, and loved a child, or acted in a way of being someone's mother (like an adoptive mother) is a mother. Don't listen to your sister. It's her own uneasiness with your child's death and she's putting it off on you. You are and will forever be a mother, even if you lost your child, no matter how old it was. You aren't living in a fairy tale world, you're living in the REAL world. Your sister is the one who is living in the fantasy world, thinking that by ignoring problems and bad feelings they just go away. Celebrate Mother's Day in your own way if you want. If you don't want to, that's up to you, but you are a mother!

Answer 3

You are a mother and always will be. That is just other people's stupidity. It must be hard enough for you when mother's day comes around, but for no one to recognize you for this is just plain disrespectful. Many times people do not know what to say or how to react toward someone when their child dies. I had a hard time reacting to my sister when she lost one of her children. I didn't know what to say or do, because I could not take away her pain and thought that bringing up a conversation about her lost child would only make her feel bad again. Eventually we talked and she needs other people to be there for her, but not ignor the fact that her child was there and is now gone.

Answer 4

First of all, I am sorry that you lost your child.

Second, how old was your child? Did you have any time with your child or did you lose your child at birth? Mother's day isn't just for giving birth to a child, it's for raising that child- no matter how long. I think they are being insensitive, but they don't understand, either. Your family isn't supportive and I'm sorry.

Happy Mother's Day, by the way.

Answer 5

I am so sorry about your lose, But you are a parent! You carried that child 9 months, And having a baby inside you for that period of time makes you so close to that baby, i can not believe anyone would say that to someone that has been through so much loss. Your child has not forgot about you that baby is always there every where you go in you mind and in your heart. HAPPY MOTHERS DAY!! TO You, you are a mother.

Answer 6

What a B***H!!! Seriously!

Your child will always be your child. Do you think that God would let your child forget you? No! His spirit is is heaven, waiting for the day you are reunited.

If Mothers day is too hard for you to participae in right now, then skip it. Send you mother a card, let her know you love her and want her to have a nice mothers day, but you just can't face all the hoopla. If your mother has any heart she will understand.

God Bless you, and give you comfort for your loss.

Answer 7

Mother's day is about the expression from a child to their mother. It is not about about people honoring their sisters or neighbors who are mothers although they can. So don't feel so slighted if people don't send you mother's day cards. They may feel awkward or feel that you will see their gesture as morbid or brigns things up you don't want to talk about. Someone losing a child is very sad but you are not really sure if you should bring it up or not.

That being said, the mother's day celebration for you is about YOUR mother and grandmother. So be there to honor them.

Your sister, however, is mean and rude.

Motherhood is not about just what your kids are doing now or if they are alive, but the pregnancy, giving birth, and raising them when you had them.

Please do not blame them for not having you as the guest of honor on mother's day, but please let your own mother or elder woman in the family if she is not alive, about your feelings. Tell her that you know your child is deceased but you feel that the fact that you did have one should be acknowledged to help with your own healing - but in the meantime ignore your sister.

The rest of the family may not be rude - it is just a tough subject for people to really know what the etiquette is. so help them out.

Answer 8

My dear, you are and always will be a mother. It sounds to me like your sister isn't being much of a sister. I would recommend trying to find a support group, as well; it sounds as though you're going through this alone, and could use someone to lean on and talk to. If you can handle it, celebrate your child's life on Mother's Day with those who really love (yes, love in the present tense) your child, and with those who really love and support you.

Answer 9

This is terrible. I've never been in your shoes, but I have lost my babies father. Which I'm not comparing at any means. I would let them know your true feelings about this situation. If they were desent people at all they would acknowledge you with such activites more that any of the others. I know this must be a hard time for you. Step up and don't take it anymore. One thing that I always find to help me is going to the graveyard and cleaning and fixing flowers and such on his grave. It has been eight years for me and I will never forget him. Good luck. Don't give up hope.

Answer 10

They are cold heartless horrible people. If you have had a child then you are a mother. Just because you child has passed on means nothing!

However, I will be honest. I wouldn't send you a mother's day card. I only send that card to my mother. I don't even send one to my MIL, that is my husband's right.