How can we live with loss — and could we truly live without it?

Question

We have all faced significant loss in our lives — or we will. How we deal with it may surprise us. Thinking about this led me to write a play, “The Year of Magical Thinking,” now playing on Broadway with Vanessa Redgrave. To learn more go to http://broadway.yahoo.com/.

Answer 1

I don't think we could live without it, if there were no loss, we wouldn't value things/people as much as we do.

Answer 2

I have lost the ability to walk three years ago due to a combination of the hospital's negligence towards my back pain, as well as having a stroke that medical specialists have attributed to Vioxx.

Presently, I reside in a home hospital bed, and I do sincerely miss being able to walk. In fact, I was even able to slam dunk a basketball, when I could walk. I was only 23 at the time, and so very unsuspecting of what the greed of the pharmaceutical industry, coupled with the negligence of a local hospital could do to an innocent person.

On a somewhat more or less lighter note, I am very religious and I know that when I pass away from old age, or sooner, with my poor health, that I will be in a better place. Whether or not whomever reads this religious or not, does not change that this is what keeps me going.

At the very least, I have a supportive family. I get to see my younger brother graduate college soon, just as many of the other people that I grew up with have. They've started families and careers, while I was one of the few that slipped through the proverbial cracks, if you will.

It would seem that life has passed me by, although I do not morn the loss of the good life that I could have had. I even had just gotten a job with the state government, prior to my injuries.That does not matter now. I do not dwell on what could have been, but rather, I appreciate the days that I have left far more than I ever did. I do not waste my days with self pity.

I believe that the common saying holds ever true, and that, "You don't know what you've got 'till' its gone."

Answer 3

This is a very profound question.I feel many people when asked how they feel about "loss" would reply with answer somewhat pretaining to death.But in the light you have shed on this question shows there are numinous ways we can experience loss.Not only is loss a very small word for something that can effect us in such a big way,but is a term that has gotten a bad name.If one is to lose something, more than not it is considered a bad thing.But then there is the other side to your question (as I ramble I promise I will give a definite answer)..The other side being can we truly live without loss?The answer to that is no.Who would you be today without loss?loss forms the world we live in and our everyday lives.It gives us a time to reflect and a time to change,It teaches us to respect what we have and enjoy what we had,not to mention look forward to what will be.

We can learn to live with loss by respecting what it can do for us.Learning from the loss is important and not asking why is key.Asking why we have to be without something only causes more frustration,making us miss out on more.Moving on by the use of laughter is a wonderful technique.It can be used as a anaesthetic when we are hurt,the best part is that it comes naturally.Think about a time when you experienced loss though it may have been the end of your world (or at least felt like it) laughter some how made a break through.Although it didn't take all the pain away it put you in a stable condition to cope.

Just as if we didn't have people of all races,if we didn't have loss the world would be boring and have no purpose.Loss gives us a purpose to live.We each have our own way of moving on but this is what makes each of us unique!

Answer 4

I am sorry to say I have not read your book. I did hear an extended conversation with you on NPR about the time of its release and I was moved by the discussion. I particularly identified with the notion of your reluctance to remove your husband's voice from the answering machine. Of course, I am a sentimentalist and such artifacts carry great weight with me.

I'm trusting the catharsis of writing this book and adapting it for the stage has given you perhaps some grace that the rest of us could benefit from.

Here's my general thought about loss. None of us has forever. There is a finite period for everyone but for some, it is noticeably briefer. Sometimes that loss happens due to the advanced age at which we meet a person. Sometimes they just leave earlier than we would have expected. That loss one feels is probably the most profound experience we have. It's transformative and difficult. I find some comfort in this one notion.

It is likely that our place in this person's life neither hastened nor delayed their departure. If we are lucky, we will know that it is the latter. We can only hope it is never the former. But whatever the case, their time is over and there is noting that can be done to avoid that. Since they are going to go anyway, can't we count ourselves blessed then to have shared their lives?

These wonderful and infuriating and magical folk lived and left. And we can count ourselves so very deeply fortunate to have had the opportunity to share that lifetime with them.

I do not have it within myself to do that grand and jubilant celebration of a life as they do in New Orleans, but they have the right idea. How miraculous they were, how special. And would I trade that experience for anything?

Answer 5

My grandfather who died several years ago at the age of 101 always told us that he was a cousin of Vanessa Redgraves' father, John... I don't know if that is true...but she's a great actress. I have been living with a PENDING loss for the last 6 months.... I'm terminally ill, BUT, I am living quite well, I'm happy, accepted all that is to come and made all my arrangements so that now I just sit back and live my life the way I want until that time comes... Any loss can be dealt with over time---TIME is the curer of all ills... but no one EVER lives without loss---be it a puppy or a sibling or a parent, or a book or a cherished photograph, people lose things and people... no one is exempt....but for those who are left to grieve for what is lost, time will eventually make things bearable again... time will make the loss less painful...

Answer 6

How can we live with loss? As best as we are able. My wife committed suicide a few years ago while I was at work. I came home to find her cold and hard and gone. The next year I had a heart attack and had to go through heart surgery alone. The following year I was laid off my job of 20 years. Right now my home that we bought in the 1980's is in foreclosure (I have to be out next Sunday). I am still alive so I have "lived" with it all so far, but being alive and actually living are two very different things.

Could we truly live without loss? No. If there is to be life than there must be death, if there is to be gain there must be loss. It is the way of this universe, perhaps things are different beyond the veil.

G.

P.S. I also found the ad for the Broadway play to be a bit selfserving and mildly distasteful.

Answer 7

There is no right way, no wrong way, not her way or his way. Grief is organic and lives for a time in your soul. Given who you are and your life's circumstances it can be huge, from waking moment or it can be rationalized. I say, don't hold back the tears. Tears are angels doing their housekeeping.
There will be a time, a year or two or more, or less that you will breath again from a different place and you will like being you again. This will happen in it's own time. Exactly when it is supposed to for YOU. It will ALWAYS remain and you will start building around it when it feels right. It is a lonely life, that of grief and NO ONE knows how awful or painful or depressing it is but YOU. I say, spend all the time you need to alone in silence, to heal. Talk to the person you are missing. They will know and will never leave you. They will look after you now. There will be a time when it is just every once in a while that your heart will ache. That is love. Don't be afraid, let it be within you just as you will allow new, happy, things to be within you too. It won't always hurt so terribly but at first you will think you can't live with the pain. Lye still and hold on and watch the use of medication or alcohol. You will feel better faster if you stay away from drugs. They keep you where you don't want to be.
Don't push yourself or expect too much and don't let ANYONE tell you where you should be in your grief. It is yours and very personal and most people won't get it. This is from a great love that lives within you and the best thing is....that love for that person, will always live within you. Forever.

Answer 8

Dealing with loss for me has been an evolving answer for the past two years. I lost the person closest to me, my dad. Everyday brings a new realization, but there is one constant...this life, the one we shared together for 35 years is gone forever. I'd like to believe there is some divine connection that will enable us to "meet again" in the "after life. " Knowing he is no longer here for me to call and pester, or see is a battle of acceptance, but strangely I know he's near. How can we live with loss? You don't have a choice. My advice is to live and love every moment because it might be your last. Put Hallmark out of business by telling the people you love, respect, enjoy, etc. exactly how you feel all the time, no holiday needed. Can we truly live without loss? Now come on! Is that even realistic? Even if you were born an orphan at some point in your life you will develop friendships/relationships that will suffer the same loss as losing a parent, sibling, child, etc. Love today. When you grieve later those memories will be the ones that hold back some of those tears.

Answer 9

I'm trusting the catharsis of writing this book and adapting it for the stage has given you perhaps some grace that the rest of us could benefit from.

Here's my general thought about loss. None of us has forever. There is a finite period for everyone but for some, it is noticeably briefer. Sometimes that loss happens due to the advanced age at which we meet a person. Sometimes they just leave earlier than we would have expected. That loss one feels is probably the most profound experience we have. It's transformative and difficult. I find some comfort in this one notion.

It is likely that our place in this person's life neither hastened nor delayed their departure. If we are lucky, we will know that it is the latter. We can only hope it is never the former. But whatever the case, their time is over and there is noting that can be done to avoid that. Since they are going to go anyway, can't we count ourselves blessed then to have shared their lives?

These wonderful and infuriating and magical folk lived and left. And we can count ourselves so very deeply fortunate to have had the opportunity to share that lifetime with them.

Answer 10

We can live with loss by being positive and maintaining hope. I think that we can live without loss. I don't think there is any virtue in having a loss. "Oh you're becoming a stronger person"....blah blah blah. Stronger for what? So that I can endure another loss? Ummm, where is the logic in that? I wish we didn't have to live with loss in life, and I am not thankful for any losses I have sustained, except when the loss brought about a better alternative. And in that case, it doesn't really count as a loss. It is more like a 1031 exchange. If there was an alternative universe where we could all live without loss, I bet that everyone would be there right now.

Answer 11

We really don't have many choices when it comes to living with a loss. We must go on and remember that life goes on just as it did before the loss. The pain that comes with a loss will take time to go away, but as time passes so does the pain. Last year I lost a life long friend of mine due to a very tragic car accident. I was 23 at the time and had been friends with her since I was two years old. Her car was crushed by a log truck and its whole load of logs. She had only been married for almost six months and was in the process of starting a family. I was really crushed to find out that she had passed away and didn't want to believe it. It was really hard to let go of the thoughts of never seeing her or hearing her voice again. All things happen for a reason though and there was nothing that could change it so I had to accept it. I still think about her every day and wish that I could see her again. I can't let the loss take over my life. I know that death and loss is a part of life. Going through loss makes you a lot more thankful for what and who you still have in your life. It has made me a lot more appreciative of my life and made me more aware of how loss can come at the blink of an eye. You never know when a loss will come so you should try to live life to its fullest and don't take life for granted.