There are no terrible things about my childrens' childhoods, on the contrary, they were filled of love and attention. But two of them have decided that their mother is a safe person to project all their negativity on. I'm certain this is not an unusual situation. I would love to hear about others' experiences, especially if it has changed or resolved, and how that came about.
2007-05-04 05:34:41 · 9 answers · asked by Aunt Thea 2 in Social Science ➔ Psychology
Thank you for your thoughtful answers. I do know that they have to grow up ... it just seems to be taking so long and I have been so miserable about it. They were such great kids ... and today I remember a friend's comment when I was enjoying people telling me what great kids I had. She said "just remember, if you're going to take the praise for your children, you'll have to be prepared to take the blame. I guess the secret is to detach. After all, I have three other children I am very close to ... we have adult relationships. I'm going to focus on detaching. Thanks again, all.
2007-05-04 19:29:45 · update #1
You can't do anything about it short of saying you're sorry they feel that way. It's become quite common in our culture for young adults to claim victimhood as an excuse for making bad choices and being irresponsible. As they get older, they will hopefully gain a little perspective and humility and realize that you did the best you could but you're as human as they are; surprise, surprise.
In the meantime, why should you sit still and be an emotional punching bag? It's okay to do a certain amount of reflection on how you raised them and see where perhaps you made some poor choices yourself, but what's done is done -- they can either overcome their past and take hold of their own lives, or wallow in self-pity. Either way, you don't need to be a martyr and take endless grief about it. Don't buy into the negativity if it's just being used as a weapon. Tell them to come back and talk about it when they can actually have an adult discussion.
2007-05-04 06:03:29 · answer #1 · answered by Clare † 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Continue to be the selfless scapegoat it seems you've always been and let them realize in time that no one controls their lives but them. Some people need to have someone to blame for everything... tell them to take a good look at George Bush. He can handle the heat. lol. But really, don't take it personally... everyone wants to blame their parents and everyone thinks they had it so hard growing up. Send them a video showing them how kids in other countries have it or better yet, a video of a kid from this country who is abused or has leukemia... maybe that'll put things in perspective for them. Good luck.
2007-05-04 12:42:46 · answer #2 · answered by hatelikekittens 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Tell them that they are still in a childish stage of blaming and that is for kids and teenagers who are helpless. Blaming parents, usually mothers because we're easy and feel guiltier,
is a sucker's game. Don't play it with them. I'll tell you what one mother did. She simply took their hands and asked them to forgive her for Everything she might have done that was wrong. She waited for a real answer too. They were ashamed of themselves but that might not work for you.
Maybe reminding them that you gave them the best years of your life? It's an attitude you need to embrace to protect yourself. It's one of those "I didn't ask to be born" attitude that answers "WELL if you HAD you would have been TURNED DOWN!!!" Post a sign that says No Dumping and tell those babies to grow up. They must not know that what they give they shall receive. It will be their turn soon enough!! Ungrateful Kids!!
And Shame on you Other People for jumping this woman too!! Hope you got your kicks out of blaming her. BLAME THE MOTHER is Bullsh*t!!!! I don't take that from mine.
2007-05-04 13:21:11 · answer #3 · answered by Dovey 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
You know as a mom of three, I am pretty much prepared for the fact the my kids are going to blame me for things that happened to them as a child. It seems to be part of the process of growing up. I know that I held alot of anger towards my parents. Once I hit my mid twenties and had kids of my own I then turned around and apologized to my parents for the big pain in the butt I was. I think you just need to apologize for the pain they think they feel, and then tell them that you did the best you knew how. I'm sure they will come around. Its tough, but it happens.
2007-05-04 12:42:30 · answer #4 · answered by Lela 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Well I can tell you I'm a daughter who is on the edge of wanting to blame my life problems on my parents...they were great parents..never fought, always showed love to us and eachother, and provided us with everything and every opportunity we needed. But as I grow up... I realize that as perfect as they seemed..no parent can provide everything that every child needs...especially because each child is different..each of their psyche's needs different things to help them develop right. But I cannot blame my parents. THat is not fair. Hell for all I know, they didn't receive what they needed from their parents and so on and so on. We get what we get and we all have the responsibility to the best we can with the upbringing we had. I love my parents dearly..but I don't think they provided the ideal example for me and some of the issues I have today directly stem from them..but I know in my heart that it is the easy way out to blame them for my problems. But..parents CAN be a definite factor in some children's problems..but until they mature..they won't realize that they really are in control and that they have the power to overcome any adversity or shortcoming from their parents. I don't think your children should blame you. Yeah you might have had some problems that you can't see because you're in denial or don't realize it from their point of view..but they need to grow up. Just tell them, I love you, I did the best that I could, but you're on your own. You have choices. You can be resentful or you can move on and build a live based on positivity and gratitude for what you DID get. That's just my $0.02 and just so you know I think about this alot because it's interesting to realize that the life that I thought was so perfect when I was younger..was really filled with some big holes..and parents do play a role in filling those holes..it's just a matter of them taking the time to recognize each child as needing differnt things.
2007-05-04 12:55:57 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 1⤋
Maybe they have a legitimate issue? You are very quick to judge that the problem is on them and you provided them this great childhood, so why would they be behaving like this? You are looking for an out, someone to tell you that its not your fault. You should reflect on why they are doing this without bias.
Try talking to them instead of posting on a Yahoo! Answers.
2007-05-04 12:41:59 · answer #6 · answered by unassailed 2 · 0⤊ 2⤋
Straight up tell them how you feel..all of them, all together, and that it hurts you. Then ask them why they feel that way, and perhaps it would be better to move on...but don't speak to them in a way that belittles them, or makes it seem like you don't know how they feel. Then I think you should relate to them, I'm sure life wasn't easy when you were that age.
2007-05-04 12:48:27 · answer #7 · answered by Alexis 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
tell them that they are already grown ups. they are solely responsible on their decisions and not by anybody else. whatever are the discipline they received in childhood are only ways to protect them and they are not expected to receive the same now that they already have a mind of their own.
sorry to say, but those grown ups are so shallow.
2007-05-11 03:42:14 · answer #8 · answered by Ma_Mikaela 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
even though they are adults.. you are still their mom.. be that.. tell them it grow up and take responsibility for their life and their actions... at least that is what I would do.
2007-05-04 12:39:09 · answer #9 · answered by pip 7 · 0⤊ 1⤋