Fiance Expects me to cover all the bills? - EXPERIENCED ADULTS ONLY PLEASE?

Question

In a nutshell - I'm a graphic designer and run my own business from home, I do pretty well (yet busted my a$$ for ten years to get here) - my fiance works part-time (25 hrs) per week and goes to school. We discussed our financial situation last night and basically what she told me was " She fully "expects" me to cover all the bills including groceries every week"....... so at the end of the day I feel like she's getting a free ride - yes she works and goes to school but every adult in this world pays a bill or two. She says the $800 (or so) she makes per month will go towards her credit card & car insurance, gas, etc...... everything else falls in my lap given I make alot more than she does........ Does this seem reasonable? Maybe I'm over-thinking it...? She's always been a hard worker (from what I understand) but has NEVER had a full-time job as she has always been in and out of school living off student loans, etc........ any advice would be appreciated.

Answer 1

yep, she is looking for a free ride... know where I can find a man to pay all my bills???? got any friends? =)

Answer 2

Well...this falls into the "for better or worse" category and it is best that this issue is solved before you get married and it may determine IF you get married. I've been married 18 years...so I hope you consider me qualified to answer this question.

Also let me say that my husband makes a substantial amount more than I do. He absolutely does pay the majority of the bills. He takes great pride in being the "traditional" bread winner and providing for his family. That is not to say that I do not contribute, because I do. When you get married, it is a joint effort and so everybody's money should go into one pot. There is no mine/yours. It is OURS. What the money is spent on depends on where the need is and what the debts are.

By your post, I can see that you feel overwhelmed and you feel taken advantage of. You think it is because you make the most money. This is probably not an uncommon feeling among men comptemplating marriage.

I think the REAL problem is that there are two different schools of thought. Your fiancee has a more traditional approach to marital finances and you have a more modern approach. Perhaps her parents delegated finances in this way and she just assumes that it will be continued in her marriage as well. Maybe as you said, she is used to having her bills covered by student loans and only works 25 hrs weekly...so, she is not living in the "real world" yet. She is still a student and still behaving as students behave. Perhaps she is not mature enough to enter into a marriage yet. Perhaps she doesn't understand what marriage is about and the OURS concept. So...what to do?....

Try this. List out the expenses on a paper. Leave a space for her to list out her expenses. Show her in writing what the expenses are and what the projected expenses are. Add it up. Tell you that you think it is only fair that she contribute to the household budget. If this means she can't go charge up her credit card at Saks, well, so be it. She cannot have her cake and eat it too. (I'm sure you'll find a much more diplomatic way to say that).

Trust me, financal problems and arguements about finances will kill your marriage quickly. It is the #1 reason for divorce. If you are having problems NOW...certainly don't get married until you can reach some form of understanding and certainly do not have children without the OURS philosophy in place. (you know this all applies to you too---right?)

Answer 3

career, personal & money

You need to tell her that her expectations are unrealistic.

List you bills and house hold expenses.

Go through the bills and decide what is shared and what is not.
Your car payment is yours.
Her car payment is hers.
Cable bill - share.
House payment - who's name is on the title?
Home owner insurance - who's name is on the title?
Rent - share

Be fair about it, but not generous. If you have super expanded sports cable you should pay for the upgrade.

For the household and groceries you will have to budget what you plan to spend. Take a look at your bank statement and it will show you how much you spend a month/week at the grocery store/ hardware store/gas station.

Now add everything up and you should have what your fair share is and what her fair share is.

Ask her to look over the numbers and see if she agrees or not.

Can she pay her share?

If she can't as her how she would live if you died?

Now you need to decide if she loves you or loves the live style you provide.

Women want to be with their equal.
Women don't love the accountant/wallet.

Any and all money left over should be put in seperate accounts. Her's in her acct and your's in your acct.

Keep an eye out for over spending lack of responsibility.

Don't forget to factor in her Credit Card Debt

Answer 4

When I first moved in with my husband (boyfriend at the time) we had the same experience. He was scared I was taking him for a ride. We split the bills in half which really wasn't fair because I was not making much back then. I understood on why he would be scared though. We moved in together so fast. Before we got married I found a better job and was making twice as much as I was when I first met him. We both decided to put our money in one bank account and pay the bills from that account. He does not say what I can spend and I do not say what he can spend on the extra money we have. He still makes three times as what I make an hour but we have been married for almost 6 years and together for almost 9. It works for us.

Answer 5

You're engaged? When My wife and I were engaged it was pretty much our money. Unless by some miracle you two end up making the same amount of money each week, someone will always make more money. Being married means you are two parts of a whole.....and (at least here in MI), unless there is a prenup., it doesn't matter if you live as your money and her money, if you were to get a divorce its all split 50/50. (even the debt). When you get married are you going to expect her to pay "her half" of the bills? What happens if she was, say a teacher making 40k a year....and your business explodes and is making 20 million a year? Would you buy a million dollar home and expect her to pay for 500K of it on her salary? Or would you live within her means and never truly be able to spend close to what you earn?

My point is you're engaged to be married, you are both committed to the relationship, why not pool the income and the bills (its what happens when you get married anyway).

Answer 6

Well, as unfair as it seems, the alternative is that you pay HER bills as well.
At least she's not just using the money she earns at her job for "beer fund" and expects you to pay her way for tuition, her insurance, credit card, etc, on TOP of the house upkeep. She IS contributing...just not the way YOU want her to.

If you find this arrangement unfair, then what will happen when you two marry (assuming the relationship is headed in that direction) and all the money is pooled? The fact is, that unless she lands an AMAZING job after graduation, you will probably always make more than she does, and so will carry the bulk of the bill-paying responsibilities.

I say let this one go, or tell her to move out. If she DOES contribute money to the household (even if it to "her" bills) and she helps out around the house with whatever needs done (shopping, laundry, housekeeping, cooking, etc), then just let it go. When she is making more money, she'll be able to contribute more.

Answer 7

Marriage is a team effort. I think you should calculate how much money you both make total, subtract all the bills for everything, and savings you think is just, and then divide whatever is left in two.

Look at that number, if you will have more than that half number while paying all the bills, then you should pay them. If she's going to have more spending money than you without paying the bills you should equal it out.

It's not really about who's paying more now, it's about taking advantage of the other person. It's not fair, in a marriage, that you can go out and buy motorcycles or new computers every week while she's having trouble getting clothes to wear or buy a sandwich.

On the other hand if you're the one having trouble, and she's spending that's less fair yet, because you are making the money.

I think that money ruins a LOT of relationships, get it worked out in your mind now or it'll crop up over and over again. Always be a fair to yourself and her, but it should be a partnership in my opinion.

Answer 8

As an experienced adult I think that she is being a little unreasonable about this. I think there needs to be some more open conversation about why she expects you to take care of all the finances. My wife worked full time and completed her masters degree and I am currently working full time and almost done with my undergrad degree. We have six children in all and not once did one of us expect the other to cover all of the bills. We work together because we are a team. Finances are one of the top reasons why people get a divorce. You really need to come to an amicable solution regarding the finances with her before you get married or it will be doomed before you get started. If she loves you she would take your feelings into consideration and get a full time job. I think her expectations are unreasonable and unfair to you. When you marry someone you take on their burdens as well that is all part of being a unit. Just because one makes more money than the other doesn't mean that the heavier expectation should weigh on the bread winner.

Answer 9

You and your fiancee need to sit back and down and rather then discuss who makes more $ - discuss the SHARED RESPONSIBILITES between you. If together the rent, food, etc. that are used by both come to $1000 - each of you MUST contribute $500 into an account where the rent, food, etc. is paid from. Each of you has the option of contributing more, but NEVER less then 1/2 as they are SHARED! - period - no if's and's or but's. If she were on her own, she would have to cover 100% on her own. What happens with the remaining income each of you has after shared responsibilities are covered is your own to do with what you want - then it can be decided that you want to pay for dinner out that night or if you feel you want to help your fiancee with her expenses - you can choose to do so & I am sure it would go a LONG way to say the least if you truley value this woman and what she is trying to accomplish right now.

However - even once you are married - keep this 50/50 responsibility rule in place - it prevents fights when there is respect that no matter who makes more or less - each of you contributes that same & that is where the focus needs to lay!

if she cannot or will not accept this - you may want to serious consider why she is with you!

Answer 10

my suggestion is to stay UNMARRIED till she finishes her school career and see what she's gonna be when she grows up. Clearly she must have a goal at the end of all those student loans and credit card bills? so what is she charging on credit and how much does she owe? Very revealing to see if she has any discipline to save for her future or to just live for the moment. Will be very important to your household if you decide to marry her. As a woman myself with little spending discipline, you would be very wise to allow her to continue supporting her own habits until she decides what her career will be and gets a real job. Or yes, you will be the meal ticket as long as she can get one, why not? Will she have any useable skill after she finishes school? Is the job she's working part time at getting her skills for the career she has chosen? Is she making contacts so when she's ready she can get a good job? AND the bigger questions.......

if you have kids, and you will if you marry her. will she be working or staying home to raise them while you support the whole family and will you be able to handle that with your attitude? You don't seem to have the mindset of a man bringing home the bacon and the woman rearing the children. So yes, you will probably have to use your money to support both of you while she repays loans and credit card bills for many years to come. Find out what she's buying on credit. Thats a big problem.

hope this has helped....... give you something to think about at least.

ps, you also don't mention any ages here, but you should not even be thinking of getting married till your at least 27yo.

Answer 11

No.. she is not being reasonable. Marriage is a partnership where both parties are supposed to contribute, help, and support each other. It sounds like she's wanting you to be more of "Parent" than "Husband".

And when you two do get married (that is, if you're going to put up with her butt), "my"credit card, "my" insurance, "my" bills all become "OUR" bills. She needs to shoulder some of the responsibility for keeping up the household as well.

Your statement about "She's always been a hard worker (from what I understand)" is a concern. If you haven't seen her put forth effort other than to keep up appearances (part time job, in and out of school) and trying to be pretty to land her sugar-daddy... maybe you haven't seen what she's really like until this latest financial revelation. Find out more of what's going on in her head before you walk down that aisle.