Can someone help me with my Mother-in-law?

Question

My Mil is a nice lady, atleast used to be, however she is starting to come between me and my husband. Lately she has come over to our house while my husband was at work and told me that he is under a lot of stress (DUH! I'm his wife, I think I know this) and explaines to me how to be a good wife and mother. I politely tell her it's none of her business and SHE got angery and left in a huff. She didn't talk to me for a week! (though that was a very pleasent week!) That finally blew over and then she calls me one day to see if she could take one of my kids with her and one of her other grandchildren to an event a town over. My children are 1, 2 and 3 years old. My oldest (the one she wanted to take) has special needs and when taken somewhere needs undivided attention. She placed the call at lunch time and when ever any of my children go anywhere it is an event in and of itself and it takes a 1/2 hour to prepare. so i said no and she had a fit! these are just two examples. any advice?

I did hold my ground and did not let my Child go only to hear whining (yes like a 4yo) for 5 min. even though i kept telling her i had to feed the kids. what is worse she will then call my husband and whine and then he calls me which starts a big arguement. begged him to move, we live 3 houses down from her. and when we are set on doing it she becomes very needy. she has a daughter that almost literally lives in her back yard but she is focused on us and i don't know why. she does help out which i really appreciate but then there is this whole sense of "now you owe me" i get from her. I think what i really need is breathing room. and she won't give it to us.

I try to include her in as much as possible while still maintaining a balanced mental health. up until about 5 months ago or so she would just pull this stuff everynow and again, now it is beginning to be on a regular basis. I feel i need to mention that she is a widow and does live alone, however she has the daughter that lives behind her and another single daughter that comes in often. She used to baby sit my kids a few times a month and every time is was like pulling teeth and i had to clear it almost a month in advance. but if her daughter that lives behind her calls 5 min. before leaving and askes her to watch her youngest she drops everything almost literally and says yes. She watches that gc several times a week and that daughter doesn't work, so i don't know why she needs a baby sitter so much. consequently i don't call her as much as i did before to watch the kids.

btpage, that is part of the problem, getting my husband to let go of the apron strings. She knows how to play him.

btw he is not an only child 4sisters and a brother

btpage- i think it is co-dependance on his mother's part, she seems to have let go of her other children but for some reason will not let go of my husband. What happened with you and your ex wife is what i'm afraid will happen to me and him.
we are Christian and we do read the bible and he has brought up that passage to me before, simply because i talk to my mom almost every day, (we live 6 hrs from my parents). My mom tried to say something about my husband, not horrible but enough, and i immedately put her in her place, but he doesn't seem to want to do the same for me. i have talked to him before about it that i feel as if i play second fiddle to his mother(really his whole family). He clames i don't but i feel like i do more and more. I just want to move about 10 min away, i think that would do wonders for us. Just so we can be a family to ourselves. Am i making any sense, or am i rambling?

Answer 1

Wow. Quit trying to include her. Seriously. That does not sound like the type of person I would want influencing my kids too much anyway. Seriously discuss the issues you have with your husband. If *he* doesn't see or understand the drawbacks of his mother, you've got a lot of work to do with your husband. Moving is just part of it, it sounds like you got yourself into a nasty dependent type situation. Work on yanking him free of the apron strings and don't give up on that. You guys won't be happy until you are independent, trust me.

Answer 2

Honey, she just doesn't know what to do with herself. I think the best thing you can do at this point is go over and talk to her without anyone around. Explain to her how much you appreciate and love her for all she does for everyone. Let her know that you understand that she only means well about her son and you, but that the two of you have to work out your differences and your lives your own way. Try to communicate with her in a respectfull and loving way. Does she have any friends to do things with? Maybe you could encourage her to find some so she can be active with people her own age.Tell her she deserves to enjoy her life because she has already paid her dues in raising her own children. Tell her this is her time now and although you all appreciate her taking the kids sometimes she needs to do things for herself now. Tell her that when you need her for the children you will ask ahead of time if she hasn't any other plans and wants them. Encourage her to get out in the world and become active in something that will help her to socialize with people that she has things in common with. She could donate her time to a hospital, or church group ......that you just want her to have more with her life than feeling that she always has to look out for everybody else. Do this with with her best intrest in mind and, if she gets defensive don't leave .....stay untill she understands where you are coming from. Good luck sweetie.

Answer 3

at least you MIL will watch your kids on occassion. my MIL refuses to babysit my kids and they are 7 and 3. I was in a similar situation for 3 years, i lived in the apartment building across the sidewalk from my MIL and she could and would just look out her livingroom window and see what we were doing. We needed room to breath, so we moved an hour away. But now my MIL is upset that we moved, so now she wants us to buy a house with HER and live with HER! My son is her oldest son (she has 2 other sons) but is only clingy with my hubby. I totally understand where you are coming from. I suggest you tell her how you feel. Invite her over for coffee or tea and have a talk with her, tell her how you feel and let her know that she can't just interrupt your day, that your children come first and that you cannot and will not rearrange your day and throw off your children's schedule. You also need to talk to your husband about this, my husband used to do the same thing, he would get a call from his mom then call me and argue with me about why I wasn't doing what his mom wanted or whatever. I finally had to sit down and tell him that I come to his defense and he should come to mine. He shouldn't have to choose between the two of you, you and his mom (and any daughters you have) are the most importmant women in his life, he just has to pick and choose his arguments with the both of you. You are all adults, sit and talk like adults, it goes a LONG way. Trust me! I feel for you!! Good Luck with the MIL!!! Keep your head up and don't let her see you get mad or frustrated, it just feeds her need to do it more. Don't let this come between you and you hubby. Set sound boundries with the MIL. Good Luck and take care of yourself. HUGS!

Answer 4

You need to first have this conversation with your husband and be sure you are on the same page. Then, sit down with MIL and explain to her that while you appreciate her help, and the love and attention she provides your children, you are the wife and mother and are ultimately responsible for the decisions made. Make her aware of boundaries, do not allow her to pop over without calling first and certainly let her know that your decision does not need approval or second guessing. Remind her that you moving your family is an option that will be exercised should she not comply with your wishes.

Answer 5

I think you egged it on yourself a bit, when you told her it was none of her business! That's pretty rude. She was just trying to help her Son and all you had to do was listen and then do what ever you want! When she wanted to take you child out, you could have told her she would have to come down and get him ready herself, because you had to feed the kids. I'm not saying you need to bow down to her, I'm just trying to point out other ways to do things so as not to antagonize her! The focus is on your family, because he is the only Son! I'd tell your husband to tell his Mother if she has a problem with you then she needs to talk to you about it and not put him in the middle! He shouldn't be talking to his Mom about complaints with you, he should tell her to call you about it! Then he can't come home and start an argument with you! Best wishes

Answer 6

Your husband needs to be the one to tell her to back off. We had this ( almost) same problem, and my husband would just put his tail between his legs when it came to his mother.. He finally told her to back off, and she has. Your MIL will most likely listen to her son more than she would you. Its your husbands responsibility in this department. She needs to be reminded that those kids are yours and they can leave the house when YOU say so. And that you are not her daughter, you are a grown women and refuse to take her crap anymore.
You guys need to move further away regardless of the guilt trip she puts on you, my mother and I get along but I would not live next door to her in a million years! Even if you move across town, that would make a big difference. So your husband needs to be the one to handle this.. Good luck!!!!!

Answer 7

That alot to read. But I got thru the first two paragraphs.

Your husband should NEVER get into the mix. EVER. He is asking for bad blood for you and him. He should always present a united front with you. End of story.

You must explain to your husband that if his mother does not respect the boundaries you have decided, then you will push her out further from the boundaries. If you and your husband establish those boundaries together, he will be more likely to outline those boundaries more clearly to his mother. Talk with your husband and negotiate the boundaries and the reasons for them. Your husband should be working with you as a co-captain...that means his decisions and reasons are no less valid than yours.

Answer 8

The part that makes me understand your stress is where you state she is telling you how to be a good wife and mother!! This would infuriate or sadden me or both! Do you think she learned her lesson when she left in a huff? If not, either you or your husband will need to tell her she is overstepping her boundries talking like this to you. Possibily she will turn back into the nice lady she once was. Tell her right upfront!

Answer 9

Well... getting involved with you and hubby's business should not have happened, and you were right to tell her so. That's the very reason I got a divorce. Regarding the child thing, just tell her next time give you some notice and expalin why. OR... tell her yes, if she will come help prepare the kid for the trip.

Answer 10

I went through the same thing with my ex and his father! It was to the point where i was crying every time i saw him! My husband at the time accually got into a fist fight with him and he still didnt understand that he cannot control everything! Some people are just control freaks. I got through it knowing that he will die one day. Its kinda sad really.