Arguments and marriage?

Question

I love a guy and we r planning to get married. we know each other for almost 3 yrs. however recently (like in the last yr) we have had many arguments-some a bit serious, some not , although in the end i feel they all were not worth it- . He is now saying that we need to think well about our decision and that if we get married in a hurry we might end up divorcing in the 1st few months of marriage.
I have started working on things that i do that annoy him and he also has started doing the same.for the past few days it seems we r getting better, no arguments.
How healthy is arguing is? and can u pls tell me ur opinion about the whole issue.
I feel that its good that we argue sometimes, coz if we dont then there's something wrong in our relationship and we might discover it after we get married

Answer 1

There's is a difference between discussing things and having an argument. It's normal for two people to have different opinions and solutions for situations, but when the discussion gets heated and becomes an argument, that's when it can hurt a relationship.

If you do your best to discuss things without anger, you will be able to reach a solution without dragging each other over the coals. And remember, sometimes you can agree to disagree.

Answer 2

Look, every couple argues. Yes, everyone. It's just how you argue. Do you resent each other more? Do the same subjects come up over and over? Do the arguements never get resolved but you guys just move on w/o talking about it? These aren't too good. Your bf is smart to hold off on marriage. Once you get married, after the big day and honeymoon, things get back to normal. Your relationship will basically be the same as now except ur married. The problems before you got married will now be the problems you have in marriage. It's not like a magic wand. Talk to ur bf. Why go into marriage w/so much doubts? Good luck!

Answer 3

The question isn't whether arguing is good or bad for a marriage. The important questions are: Are the arguments about the real issue or some minor matter that doesn't amount to a hill of beans? If they are minor, you are arguing about "safe" things instead of the important problems and you need to get to the important issues. Second, it's not whether you disagree but how you deal with the differences. You need to negotiate so both "get" and both "give".
From the sound of it, you're right to think seriously about how you relate to one another. Counseling can be of great assistance when both are serious, concerned, and like each the other. There, you can learn how to disagree and settle things.

Answer 4

How to Fight Fair
How you argue — especially how you end an argument — can determine the long-term success or failure of your relationship.

A primary requirement for any fight is to maintain control. You do not have the license to be childish, abusive or immature. If you have legitimate feelings, you are entitled to give a reasonable voice to those feelings in a constructive way. (That includes not being self-righteous or taking yourself too seriously.)

"Disagreements are going to occur," says Dr. Phil. "The question is, do you go into it with a spirit of looking for resolution or do you go into it with a spirit of getting even, vengeance, control? You'll never win if you do that. If you make your relationship a competition, that means your spouse has to lose in order for you to win. It's not a competition, it's a partnership."



Take it private and keep it private.
Fighting in front of your children is nothing short of child abuse. It can and will scar them emotionally — all because you don't have the self-control to contain yourself until you can talk privately.


Keep it relevant.
Don't bring up old grudges or sore points when they don't belong in a particular argument. Put boundaries around the subject matter so that a fight doesn't deteriorate into a free-for-all.


Keep it real.
Deal with the issue at hand, not with a symptom of the problem. Get real about what is bothering you, or you will come away from the exchange even more frustrated.


Avoid character assassination.
Stay focused on the issue, rather than deteriorating to the point of attacking your partner personally. Don't let the fight degenerate into name-calling.


Remain task-oriented.
Know what you want going into the disagreement. If you don't have a goal in mind, you won't know when you've achieved it.


Allow for your partner to retreat with dignity.
How an argument ends is crucial. Recognize when an olive branch is being extended to you — perhaps in the form of an apology or a joke — and give your partner a face-saving way out of the disagreement.


Be proportional in your intensity.
Every single thing you disagree about is not an earth-shattering event or issue. You do not have to get mad every time you have a right to be.


There's a time limit.
Arguments should be temporary, so don't let them get out of hand. Don't allow the ugliness of an argument to stretch on indefinitely.

Answer 5

Arguing can be healthy if you do it constructively. Some people can "argue" without even raising their voices. It's called constructive communication. Not all arguing is healthy and sometimes once your married and now half of each other's life are really combined into one-----you might argue more. Figure things out well before you tie the knot. Put marriage off for a while - if you love each other--you'll wait until you have things all figured out. Hang in there.

Answer 6

Arguments sometimes are healthy. If you guys have been together this long, and if he's thinking arguing might ruin the marriage, I'm curious if something else is going through his mind that would think this would ruin your marriage. Honestly, you aren't going to learn about each other completely before you get married, it's impossible. You learn as you go, even if you don't get married, you know? If you both really and truly love each other, aruging isn't going to be a major issue nor should it prevent the marriage.

Answer 7

I have been married for 6 years now, and with my husband for 9 years. So let me tell you, couples fight! Some little, some big. Nobody is perfect and you get on each others nerves. Its all about how you deal with the problems you have with each other. Talking is the main thing. If he is doing something that irritates you and you don't say anything, he is going to keep doing it, cuz he doesn't know it bothers you. Until one day you explode about all these things that he does that drives you crazy. (Like leaving his toe nail clippings on the floor..damn it vacuum it up.) This goes both ways. He needs to tell you things that you do that irritate him.
I'm not saying I found the key to a successful marriage here and that all will be bliss. The 1st couple years we didn't really talk about stuff like that, and it almost killed us. Now that we communicate and tell each other our problems, we have become so much closer and happier.

Answer 8

just because you don't argue doesnt' mean that things are bad in the relationship. don't go out looking for something to argue cause it's not worth it. you can discuss things and settle differences but arguing is not worth it. not unless you want to end up without a man. besides...getting married is not all that it's cracked up to be. and don't rush into the process of marriage. just because you discover something after you are married doesn't mean that it's a bad thing. do you want to not grow as a couple? then you need to leave everything to nature and just let it flow and let it happen.

Answer 9

Disagreements and even heated arguments are totally normal in a serious relationship and are much better than bottleling up feelings for a long time. Lets face it, we all come from different backgrounds and everyone needs to define their personal boundaries and figure out where they are crossing lines with one another. Arguements also give couples a chance to know exactly where there parteners stand on certain issues and weather or not those those standings are what you believe in or not.

I think it also depends on exactly what issues you are disagreeing on and if and how you are going to be able to work through the issues. There needs to be at least some give and take on both parts but if your lines are definately drawn and he insists on crossing them or vice versa, you will definately have problems later on. Take child rearing for example...he insists on letting them run wild, and you want a tight ship. Not going to work. Or money, he is a spend-a-holic who has no problem with a huge amount of debt and no savings, but you insist on avoiding debt at all cost and saving as much as possible. Not going to work.

Answer 10

Your last paragraph says it all. It's healthy to have disagreements in all relationships. You are 2 different people and will have different views on stuff sometimes. I am having trouble practicing this myself, but TRY not to blow up right away if he makes you mad and it's heading toward an argument. Sometimes, agree to step away from each other until you can cool down and then talk rationally. It sounds as if you both want the relationship to work and are headed in the right direction already. Best of luck to you both. I hope it works out.