My husband has a daughter from his first marriage. She is 18 and not his biological daughter. When he gets up in the morning he runs to her room to give her a good morning kiss. He greets her with much affection all the time and cuddles with her when she is watching tv. This is fine with me except he NEVER shows me any affection. She is a problem child and has been arrested and is always in trouble. We are always bailing her out of trouble. She requires 24 hour on call service and when my husband is working, he demands I do it. She is spoiled and disrespectful and has filthy habits. I am always cleaning after her. I am tired of this since I feel like a maid for my husband and his daughter and she gets the affection one would normally give his wife. I am glad he loves his daughter but don't I deserve some of his affection sometime? He does not think so and gets angry with me for bringing it up. Am I being unreasonable?
2007-05-04 03:07:07 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous in Social Science ➔ Psychology
No i don't think you are being unreasonable at all. For one, your husband should be appreciating you more and giving you attention, instead of taking you for granted.
There should not be competition at all. I am sure you wouldn't mind the attention he gives to his step daughter, if he was giving you attention, too. So, I understand his "step" child being so important, meaning he is a good father, but if you feel neglected in the process of all this, maybe this relationship is not for you.
I would step back and re-evaluate what makes YOU happy.
Then put your foot down and let 'him' know you are unhappy. (Leave the daughter out of it in your discussion, or it will seem like you are jealous) If he does nothing about it, then you are free to change what ever you need to in order to make yourself happy.
Also, let them know that you understand the importance of the father / daughter relationship, but it's time to place some boundaries, so everyone can have quality time for love.
The daughter is 18, She will have to grow up or face adult penelties. People mess up.... but she sounds spoiled. She will learn the hard way. Just know that.
2007-05-04 03:25:15 · answer #1 · answered by hypnosisbyjill 2 · 3⤊ 0⤋
you're not being unreasonable at all. First off, she's 18 and an adult.... she should have learned to pick up after herself 10+ years ago..... so stop cleaning after her. If the place becomes a mess, let it... and show your husband that she is incapable of being responsible and if she's graduated already tell her to get a job and an apartment and a hired maid since it's not your job. And yes, you deserve the affection too. I would try and see a counselor if I were you since he's unwilling to communicate with you about this without getting all bent out of shape. That's not healthy for either of you and you shouldn't have to suffer through this. She's not your biological child... you shouldn't be tied down to watching her every move making sure she's ok.
2007-05-04 10:15:45 · answer #2 · answered by SC82 3 · 4⤊ 0⤋
Nope. You feel that you are not reciprocated in the relationship and you are actually being reasonable about it. Your husband dismisses the arguement about this since it hurts him that you are aware of the situation where he can';t do anything. He babies the child, feeling that with the attention he is giving- she (the child) would change. And with that you get jealous since he isn't treating you that way. The problem is that you should make him, understand why you are jealous. Tell him that his technique is ineffective causing the girl to abuse your kindness and love toward her. Help him help himself. Then he can help you.
You can device a new reward-punishmewnt method to help the kid change. But whewn all else fails, you have to let go of the kid. Just don't mind her.
If your husband still doesn't want to discuss the issue after you have collated the details, ask for his reasons then bargain with him. If this doesn't work, then its time to re-asses your role in your relationship. Him being one sided and closed-minded about the situation makes you loose in every move you make.
2007-05-04 12:37:08 · answer #3 · answered by coolblueacid 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
No you are not being unreasonable!!!!
Since you have spoken about it with him i think it is time to seek professional marriage counseling. Since his daughter is 18 at some time she is going to move out of the house and who will be left??? You and your husband, how much more time and effort do you want to put into this relationship??? Will he still have resentment towards you??? Perhaps it's time to move on because don't you deserve the affection of a man before it's too late for you??? You are a human being, don't you think you should be treated like one?
2007-05-04 10:19:30 · answer #4 · answered by Craig C 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
OK..you are NOT being unreasonable! AT ALL..sounds like he had a very sick way or relating to his daughter..she is 18 not 8...and more so..his expectations on you are unkind and unreasonable. With holding LOVE and affection to anyone you love is a horrible and mentally abusive thing to do!
you really need to seek counseling and or re-think if this is the kind of family dynamics you want to be a part of??
2007-05-04 10:20:50 · answer #5 · answered by tara t 5 · 3⤊ 0⤋
The daughter is part of the package. You can't have him without her. If she's a major problem, you see his love for her; You have the option to make it not your problem. If he's not showing you any affection that is a problem for you have criteria too. This doesn't sound like a type of relationship to stay entangled in. There are people out there who are much better suited to you who'll treat you much better than this individual. You're not unreasonable but staying in this relationship is.
2007-05-04 11:32:12 · answer #6 · answered by Answerer 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I don't think it's unreasonable. You deserve affection but in a more "special " way, not the same kind he gives to his daughter. 'Sides that, she is eighteen and if she has graduated from highschool already, she needs to start finding a place of her own and go to college asap. Tell your husband how you feel privately, and maybe he will behave differently and more attentively to satisfy your needs.
2007-05-04 10:12:48 · answer #7 · answered by No_Disclosure 2 · 3⤊ 0⤋
Yes you are being unreasonable because you are acting out of pure jealousy. I think if you change your attitude and stop adding up the affection he gives her versus affections given to you, your husband will hug you and like you more.
Calling her spoiled, disrespectful, a problem and filthy habited makes you sound like the wicked step mother in Cinderella. Why not write a list of her good qualities and go do something fun together when you have to pick her up.
2007-05-04 10:43:36 · answer #8 · answered by murkglider 5 · 0⤊ 3⤋
You are prime Dr. Phil material. This is f'd up - because of everything you're saying, AND because you don't see the real issue around the actual connection between your husband and his NON-biological 18-year-old daughter.
2007-05-04 10:16:39 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 4⤊ 1⤋
Time to put your foot down. Adulthood demands responsibility. Although love and support should never be compromised, it should be just that - support. Write down your issue before discussion it will allow you to focused and not just complaining.
2007-05-04 10:13:33 · answer #10 · answered by Ray2play 5 · 3⤊ 0⤋