my husband has a bad temper-what should i do?

Question

my husband and i have been together 16 years.we have a 4 year old and a seven year old.the problem is he loses his temper at everthing.he is a good provider,doesnt cheat,is normal in every other way-cries at sad movies,my family loves him. he loses his temper at the drop of a dime.example-he hates talking about money. i feel i have to because its just normal to talk about finances but he will get mad at me and say-:why do you have to start this crap"-your stupid, you dont think right-ect .if hes mad about work or if me or the kids bring something up he dont like-he blows up-starts throwing plates,remotes anything that is in the way.my parents know,but my mom says my dad had a bad temper-which i remember, but i wasnt abused or anything-my husband never hit.he just says things he doesnt mean-and evertime apoligizes for what he said. we have been dealing with this for at least 12 years.iof course i lash out at him and say things i dont mean.somebody please tell me what i can do.

Answer 1

Renee, Renee, Renee I am in the boat with you! I have the same problem with my husband. I read some of these Q's on here about husbands always out with their pals or cheating or not taking care of the kids, and I think to myself, "how easy it would be to walk away from one of those jerks." But my husband takes care of the kids, has never cheated, never goes out, doesn't drink, loves to fish and cook dinner.....now here's the catch.....he suffers from depression and anger impulsivity where again, like you say the emotional and mental yelling and throwing. Well, for a while I could keep all of this under raps, right---as long as the kids weren't around at the time, etc....but then he quit taking meds for anxiety/anger and he would just argue about everything, but it wasn't like he was betraying me or anything or not taking care of his responsibilites, so I could ALWAYS give him the benefit of the doubt....but look at what it does to you to handle all of the finances and stress that he can't deal with ---it wears you down to the bone, doesn't it? You love him more than anything and you think---if only this part of him was different--he'd be perfect. I know that's what you're thinking. And we girls, we hold on because we know we could find another man who ends up being a cheater or a lazy slob...and we would rather fix our husbands who are good at heart----am I right? this is what you have to do: seek counseling or take a little time apart until he sees what he is doing to you. My husband and I are separated ( 20 days now) and I simply told him--I love you, but I would rather handle things alone without the arguing and frustration while you get your crap together. So he's seeking counseling and still there for the kids and you know what? I couldn't feel better about this (although it gets difficult to play the single mother role in the meantime) I'm hoping for better things and you should too, hang in there--sorry this is so long.....I should just email ya.

Answer 2

Take him to a doctor for a physical and blood work. Maybe he has a chemical enbalance? You never know and it wouldn't hurt to check that out. He may need to be on some medication to balance things out? His attitude is hurting you and it is something to be concerned about. A person can be loyal in many ways but still be an emotional abuser. Emotional abuse is designed to control,intimidate , not caring how others feel, believing that others should do what they say.....throwing things and believing his way is the only way. The old saying is sticks and stones may break our bones but words will never hurt me....well that is a myth. Verbal assults wound the other person and over time eats away at someones self confidence and sense of self worth. You cannot overlook his anger and disrespect at the expense of yourself and the famiy.....he needs help and you need help through a counselor if things are to change for the better in your lives.Remember that this type of abuse will continue on if you allow it........and if nothing else get help for yourself even if he refuses to. Just because your mother tollerated your fathers fits of anger doesn't mean its right for you. Good luck sweetie.

Answer 3

Escaping the Anger Prison
Do the smallest things set you off? If you're experiencing uncontrollable rage, then in order to stop long term, you've got to get to the root of your anger.


Identify the emotion your anger covers.
Anger is nothing more than a cover for hurt, frustration or fear — or all three. Try talking about what you're really feeling without using the word "anger." Instead, try saying, "I am hurt/frustrated/afraid of ..."


Identify the true source.
What is the real source of your anger? Who is the real culprit? Chances are, it's not the people or situations you are lashing out at.


Identify the unfulfilled need.
If you are experiencing uncontrollable rage, you have unfulfilled needs that should be addressed. Maybe you need to forgive yourself for the way you've behaved while angry. Perhaps you need to forgive others for their actions. Whatever the case, you need to know what your needs are before you can fill them.


Identify the constructive alternative action.
Instead of raging against people, figure out what you can do that is constructive. If you need to resolve an issue with a person you are really angry with, the constructive alternative behavior would be to resolve it. If you need to forgive yourself or someone else, the constructive action would be to forgive.


Take specific action.
Once you have identified your constructive alternative action, it's important that you take that specific action, as uncomfortable as it may be, and move on. Claim your right to resolve the source of your anger and reclaim your life.

Answer 4

Walk a mile in his shoes in whatever business he is in. He may be trying to shelter you from the stress of things you would not understand or know how to deal with. This is a hard call; I'm not saying you are dumb or anything like that. I have done tax work for 36 years and things financial are always a thorn in the roses and a point of contention and the lord knows what else. Money is and has always been the biggest stumbling block in the lives of many. Take classes in accounting and consider going into income tax preparation for a hobby or something. I feel for you but can't figure out what to say to make your problem go away. Good luck.

Answer 5

The anger isn't the problem. It's a symptom of a deeper problem. Someone who loses their temper so easily has issues that need to be addressed in therapy. He needs to find out why he gets so angry over such minor things. A good therapist can help him get to the root of the problem.

In the meantime don't stand there and take his abuse. And calling someone names IS abuse. Either leave the room or take the kids and go somewhere for awhile. Temper tantrums aren't fun when you don't have an audience.

Answer 6

Sounds alot like my former situation! As a family you guys are a team. Parents are the coaches and the kids are the players. A parents job is to teach them well, keep them safe, and let them watch and learn. Whereas the parents are partners and everything you do and say is quickly absorbed by your kids. It's amazing how they begin to treat others and talk the way you do to each other. My son is 8 now and I wish I had done something long before it got this late. You guys need to really sit down and talk, put yourselves on equal ground. As a mother your going to worry about money, bills, and the future its part of that darn motherly thing. My ex however, like most men, feels like when I ask about money or our finances that he cant take care of his family. Talk to him, and when your frustrated walk away BEFORE you say things that only make it worse. Counseling is a definite way to get help, and probably the only people you should take advice from. Good luck and god bless!

Answer 7

Well, it sounds like maybe it's time for counseling, having a temper is learned behavior and that nothing's ever been done to correct it. My sister had the same problem with her kids, and she went to counseling, and she's MUCH better now. She learned it from our dad. Just mention it to him, not being confrontational, let him know it's time to think of a better way to handle things and not always yell etc. Remind him how it's affecting you and your kids, this way he might keep an open mind about it and realize what he's doing isn't he best way.

Answer 8

He's probably under stress but that is no excuse to break up stuff or fly off the handle. If money is normally the trigger, then that's what's probably got him worried. Sit down and talk to him about it and let him know how you feel. If you've been together this long, he's not going anywhere and ask him how would he feel if one of your children's spouses (when they're older) acted like that in front of their kids. It's a cycle that needs to stop. Throwing things is never acceptable even if he does apologize. You should be able to bring up adult issues w/o him going off the deep end. Enough is enough, he's acting like a spoiled brat. Believe me, I know all about this one, I had to make my hubby stop it too. They can get carried away if you let them.

Answer 9

His life isn't going the way he wanted. He is deeply and secretly frustrated. The rages are evidence of this. He loves you... it is himself and the world at large he has a problem with.

I can say this because I have sort of been there. When job is going badly, money seems too tight, you can feel that something has to change immediately. Sometimes, flying into a rage satisfies this "something has to change right now" feeling. Afterwards, of course you feel embarrassed and sorry. Genuinely. I am not making excuses for him. But I understand.

Answer 10

I would guess that you love this guy as you stay and have kids with him.

If so and you wanna be with him I think you need to talk to him about the effect his anger has on you and your kids. If thats too hard or confrontational maybe write it in a letter.

Anger is not productive, just cos he doesnt hit you doesnt make it ok to verbally attack you even if he thinks enough of you to apologise afterwards

He could get help from a counsellor who may specialise in anger issues or see his doc who could refer him to someone.

Id guess something is up for him and Im sure if he loves you he would hate to think he makes you sad

Just ask yourself if you want your kids to be like this as they always almost always become what they live

If you dont get him to fix it or get out

Sounds harsh but I gre up with an angry parent who nver hit and always said sorry and when I began to parent myself I realised the only way I could deal with my daughter was shouting. I didnt know anything else, then when I saw her shouting at her friends cos it was all she knew I realised it had to change!

Dont get caught up in thinking cos you love him and he loves you that gives him the right to kick off

It doesnt

Good luck