What do I do with him?

Question

My husband works 20 hrs a week and doesn't help pay any bills. He uses his money on basically whatever he wants. I've yelled and screamed and cried to him about how unfair this is. I've never had to worry about bills before and now I'm just at a loss. We've only been married for 2 months and I'm about ready to throw him out. I love him very much and am IN love with him. I truly care about him and know that he really doesn't have any where to go and with the job he has he doesn't have many options. He's been really distant lately and mean at times too. He's really changed and I'm not sure that I want this anymore. Please someone tell me, what would YOU do?

Answer 1

Suggest marriage counceling. If he is not willing to go then that is your answer. If he is not willing to seek professional help to get to the root of the problem then he doesn't care about you. A good work ethic and drive to support (or help support a spouce and or family) is key. When my father lost his job he worked his butt off at places most teenagers would not work. He swallowed his pride to make sure his family was provided for. That is a man in my book. (He is now making a great living and my parents live comfortably) Any guy who lives off his wife and makes no effort to provide is making no effort in the marriage. If he is not willing to see someone to figure out why he thinks this is ok (maybe underlying depression?) then he is not a man, he is a dog. You sound like a nurturing person, and a good person. That is like fueling a fire to a lazy bum. He will do it as long as you enable it. Don't waste the best years of your life on a bum. Find someone who will provide for you emotionally (cuz it seems he has checked out in that department, too) and financially.

Answer 2

good lord, didn't you all have a financial plan before you got married? they suggest doing all of that when you go through premarital counseling.....

is he a roommate or a husband? Why doesn't he have a full time job? (20 hours per week is NOT a full time job). Where is he for the rest of the week?????? What does he do with his time??? A husband should contribute and his @ss would be out on the curb if I was paying all of the bills and he wasn't helping.

Which actually happened to me. He stopped paying and wanted me to pay everything, I guess, because he wasn't helping with the bills at all. He went out one day, I had someone come over and change the locks and threw his $hit onto the front lawn. Problem solved.

If he's not paying AND he's been distant lately, those are signs of an affair. I'd watch the money in your joint account, if you have one, and think about cancelling any credit cards that you share. You will want to see a marriage counselor, but you may also want to consult an attorney.

Answer 3

You married him for "better or worse", hon. You did not marry him until unhappiness sets in. Unhappiness is too often the reason that so many marriages fail. You made your bed, now lie in it. Hate to be harsh or cruel, but you should have more carefully chosen your life partner for marriage.

Now you have what you have, and you are not happy.

Here's what you do:

If you don't have a job already, then get one. If you do have a job, then start setting your money aside into a savings account, in case the marriage fails. This way, you will be able to start a new life of your own, if necessary. You need to be financially independent. Don't support the bum at all financially. Insist that he go out and get a "REAL" full time job that pays a living wage. If you don't have kids yet, then do not have any with him, until he can start demonstrating some personal responsibility. Kids would only complicate a divorce if this happens, adding considerably to the misery of all involved. Know that divorce can be very expensive and heart wrenching, for both parties. So, consider this, in the event that you choose to divorce.

Know also that the only moral grounds for divorce are:

1. Adultery
2. Willful separation from one, by the other party

Yet most people can find many excuses to divorce, and justify their choice to do so. They usually do. They also almost always regret the divorce. It is a very painful experience, usually.

Yet, in today's legal arena, you can easily divorce him if he fails to put down the toilet seat after he is finished urinating, and he can also divorce you for burning the toast when you are making his breakfast.

Document his bad behavior, in case you need it for later on in divorce court. Keep such evidence in a safe place.

Talk to your support network, including any church you may attend, as well as your family and friends, about your problem. They may have some helpful suggestions.

Get marriage counseling together with him, if he is willing to cooperate. Otherwise, get the counseling for yourself alone. Also document this.

Answer 4

I would try marriage counseling first. If that doesn't work, then divorce is probably the only option. I wish the options were better.
Here are my reasons:
1. He isn't married. He is not participating in the marriage. He may not know how. He may be having grooms remorse (if there is such a thing).
2. He is getting mean. At this point in the marriage, he should still be hopelessly romantically in love with you and trying to make you as happy as possible.
3. He has changed. I don't know what this means, but my concern is that it may be due to drug or alcohol. Neither of which you need
4. There isn't much to let go of in this case. Cutting your losses now and taking the lumps now is a lot better than a life of abuse, neglect, and feeling unloved.

Sorry. I don't have anything magic that can help out much. Contact the lawyer. It's time to plan for singlehood again.

Answer 5

Men do freak out when first married--now they have to be a responsible adult. I would suggest marriage counseling if married over a year but I think you should be very nice and just say you want to make sure money won't become an issue in your marriage and go to an accountant to set up a budget to take into account both your incomes so you can move forward in your marriage to buy your dream house--have money for vacations together. Just tell him you aren't sure how to do it yourself. Bringing a third party professional into it can make him realize what he needs to do and not waste money on--make him think about the future and what he should save money for. Plus not you bitching at him--to make him spend more.

Answer 6

You are soooo letting him step all over you. He works too and you are supporting the both of you? You know that's not right. You must also know that he doesn't really love you if he's doing this to you. I don't care if he only works 20 hours a week. He still lives, eats, showers and uses electricity. What a jerk, and you are letting him get away with it. Shame on you. Get an annulment.

Answer 7

You based your marriage on LOVE and paid no attention to the important factors to sustain LIFE. I am sure you know he was like this before. YOu married someone with limited skills and low aspirations, neither of which is gonna change.

If LOVE alone is good enough for you (as you can see from the writings of many women here), by all means continue this agony. Otherwise, the choice is obvious.

Answer 8

Was he like this before you married him? Chances are I would guess, yes? He doesn't sound like he's going to change any time soon. Things are only going to get worse money wise, esp. if you're going to start a family, which most married couples want to do. I would try to work things out, maybe seek the help of a marriage couselor, to give it one last chance.

Answer 9

i think people overuse the word love. Doesn't it refer to accepting (good or bad) everything about a person? Or is it loving except for ..... and ..... and .....

How can u share a life with a person that doesn't want to be equal with you. Use ur money for yourself, change the bills to his name or decline the services you don't need so he'll be forced to pay for them. But first I would talk to him and ask why he thinks it's fair to use money on himself and for u to support him.

"he's just not that into you" is the best book about not settling for what u don't want

Answer 10

I think your hubby is depressed and moody because he hates how his life has turned out crappy job?, possibly he rushed into marriage. He is also unsure what he wants in life I think your husband needs to seek some counselling he is taking out his moods and is distant because well it sounds like you got the good job and a life and well he feels inferior to you. This is normal for many men that think women should not make more money then them. I think you guy's need to seek some marriage counselling as well two months and your already at this point you need HELP!!!!.

Good Bless and Good Luck!