Please help, I'm scared?

Question

My husband told me today when I went home for lunch that he wants a divorce. His reason is b/c he says we argue all the time. (Which has been true in the past but far from true recently. Things have been better that ever... or so I thought, which is why I'm in shock.)
He is going to move back home to Wisconsin (I, personally, think he's a homesick mama's boy) and we have a 2 year old son. He got out of the army in March and is still unemployed.

Can him being unemployed help me during the custody trial? (If we are both good parents.)
I'm a good mom and have had my job for 8 years and make good money so there's no reason a judge would let him take him out of state, right?? That little boy is my world.

My family is here; they are the only grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins that my son knows.

Ruth U... FYI... I have flown and driven him from Texas to Wisconsin 'several' times in his short life to see his grandparents there. He's "2", if he only sees them for a few days here and there, he doesn't "know" them.

I talk about them (and my sons aunts, uncles, cousins) all the time and show him pictures. My husband knew before he asked me to marry him or had a child that I had no intentions of moving there.

Answer 1

ITS CALLED ABONDONMENT!!

Going back to Mama AFTER you have produced your own family is such a cop out!! I HATE MEN LIKE THAT!!

Just speak the truth -- u work everyday (lucrative steady employment), carried a baby for NINE MONTHS (he did none of that), went through _____ hrs of labor (again he did noe of that), cared for, dressed, fed, bathed and raised your 2 yr old until he came home from military. And now he wants out???? See ya -- buh bye!

Let the judge know u are not keeping him from raising and seeing his child -- HE IS DOING THAT HIMSELF by choosing to leave... Set up visitation scheduled and payment THAT WORKS FOR YOU AND YOUR SON -- bring it to court and let the judge know that you've been thinking about the best way to parent and he will know that you are mature and looking in your son's best interest!

Best wishes!! My judge sucked (he prided himself on making "different judgements" not going w/the norm!!

Answer 2

I know that the first thing that comes to mind when you are threatened is your son. I doubt very seriously that there's a snowball's chance in hell that your husband would even ask for custody.
Your relatives are here and you have a good job and you're a good parent / he wants to move out of state and is unemployed: I can't imagine anyone on the bench thinking that taking a 2-year-old away from his mother under those circumstances would make sense.
Your husband says he wants a divorce because you argue all the time. He's grasping at straws to explain something so drastic with such a reason.
Something else is going on, I'm guessing - perhaps he's depressed. He hasn't found a job. He could be starting to look at other women and wonder why marriage is supposed to be so great. Lots of possibilities but when you say that 'things have been better than ever', realize that there's a lot going on with him that he's not sharing.
If you say OK to the divorce and wait, what are the chances that he will be shocked by the realization that he doesn't know what he's doing? I think there is a chance that might happen but you can't do a damned thing about it or force that realization. You just have to go forward, thinking of yourself and your child and should he want back in the marriage, insist on counseling.

Answer 3

I know you must be in shock, but don't give up on your marriage so easily. You husband may have gone through things while in the Army that he never told you about---especially if he was in the middle east. Also, he probably feels like he is not being a "man: because he is not being the bread winner right now and feels sort of like Mr. Mom. Go home and tell him that you still love him and your family means the world to you. He will find a job soon enough and in the meantime, make sure you show how much you appreciate all he has done in the past for you and your son. Now you will pull the load until he can find employment. I am sure he is feeling depressed about unemployment, but just tell him brighter days are ahead.

I would also tell him you both need to look for resolutions to your problems instead of running away (to Wisconsin and to divorce court). Talk to counselors, ministers, and other support groups. Talk together and try to find out the underlying reasons for wanting a divorce. Pray a lot and hold on.

Answer 4

Make an ultamadim. Tell him that he is gonna loose a lot more than he anticipates, and I suggest counciling to you both. Be wise who you choose to council. Most secular councilors will try to break you all up. They are getting paid to tell you what you want to hear, instead of what you need to. Marriage is hard work, and if he's not willing to work with you, then he deserves whats comming to him. Keep a good head space when conversing. I hope things work out. Good luck. (I think you don't have to worry about custody, but maybe he feels bad that he is unemployed. This is a huge thing for Husbands. If they feel they cannot support their family, they sometimes run home to Mama like you said. Try being less judgemental. (Don't call him a mama's boy) That is hurtful. And will get you no where. As you can all ready tell. Talk.

Answer 5

The fact that you are employed, have a stable home and that is home to your son and the boys mother all will work in your favor. The only hope he would have of taking your son is to prove you an unfit mother and from what you have said, he can not do that at all.

Your husband sounds more depressed than wanting a divorce and he thinks running home, he can find a job and feel better about himself. He needs a job and I think you will see him change, but if he is set on moving and getting a divorce, you just need to be sure to cover your bases. This is being tricky, but you may want to ask him questions, like, "Are you leaving because you think I am a bad mother?" Of course he will say "No, you are a great mother, it is because we fight all the time." Then when he says things like that about how wonderful of a mother you are, you write the date and time and what he said in a journal (that only you know where it is) and keep these comments as records. If for any reason he was to try and prove you unfit, you can pull out your records and ask him right in front of the judge, did you not say I was a wonderful mother on such and such a date at such and such a time? Just protecting yourself from false statements.

Answer 6

Poor thing. yes him being unemployed can help you with the custody but, it can hurt you with child support. You will get very little. Does he get any kind of pension from the government? When I got divorced my ex was employed but had his boss write a letter saying that he earned much less than me therefore the he was ordered to pay 250 dollars for both kids per month which of course he didn't do. Why because I made a dollar more than he did. Nice huh. About taking the boy out of state. yes the judge can order this. When I left my ex I lived in Ky I then moved with my children to MO. The judge ordered that the jerk could have the kids over the weekend but was to have them back by Sunday at 5. He never brought them back. I am hopeing for you your husband will be an honorable man and not do such a thing. But mine did I eventually got them back and the judge ordered supervised visits of 2 hours each month in MO that meant he had to come up from KY for a 2 hour visit and a social worker had to be there. He was not allowed to contact the kids by phone or letter unless he sent the letter to the social worker first he/she could read it and then send it to the kids. If he called he had to make an appointment and the social worker had to listen in. Your judge would allow your husband visitation rights and it may mean that your son has to go to Wisconson to visit. It is up to the judge. If your husband has ever threatened to keep him or make it so you could never find him make sure your lawyer knows. I had a Legal Aid lawyer and I explained what my ex did and said and he said all the guys say that I said he is serious. The very first unsupervised visit he kidnapped them. I had to fire my lawyer and my mom hired one of the best for me.

Answer 7

Maybe divorce isn't necessary. Maybe your husband is
stressed because he really wants to support his family.
Maybe he feels like he's let you down and can't face the
embarrassment anymore. Maybe he feels like a bum
because you're supporting him and his children. A proud
man would have these problems while unemployed
(especially a military man). I'm sure you've offered words
of encouragement during this difficult time. Maybe you
ASSUMED that he would find a job after the Army because
he is a high-quality individual? Words of encouragement
can sound like lip service to a man in your husband's place.
Finding the right delivery can make the difference. There is a
lot of advice here on proceeding with the divorce. I hope you
find a way to stay together. Good luck either way.

Answer 8

First of all I'm sorry for your troubles.

You do have a good chance, what ever you do, please don't put you son in the middle, many times in a divorce, the child gets pulled apart, what ever you do, don't fight in front of your son or say bad things about his father.

About the fighting, was this something "normal" in your marriage or just since he's home? If this has been going on all through your marriage, maybe it is time for a divorce

I'm not trying to give you false hope, but the fact he's just out of the military and not working is probably more about him than you, maybe it's not the marriage, but what happened to him in the military, no one ever comes home the same. Please understand I'm not taking his side, I'm just stating facts. Maybe his being away from you will make him realize, what he has. Good luck.

Answer 9

I understand your fear. I was always scared when my x had my son that he would never give him back. A couple of times he tried. He didn't get far though as I always marched around there, into the house and picked up my son and walked out. You need to be strong, stand your ground and don't back down. By the sounds of it everything is on your side. There is nothing stronger than the love you have for you boy ( I know ). Doubt very much he'll get custody. Good Luck.

Answer 10

first of all seek legal representation. do not your son out of your sight because if no judge has made any type of ruling he can take your son wherever he wants if he is the biological father and the police will not be able to do anything about it.and yes if you can prove that you are working and he is not the courts will judge in your favor since you have a steady job and you are able to be a better provider.go on line where you live and get help through legal aid depending on the situation sometimes its free or at a very low cost