Love my wife - She can't clean to save he life?

Question

I LOve my wife - She is my friend, lover, my partner. However, she is the biggest slob in the history of time. It is almost as if she does not even see the filth, and it is driving me insane.

Example - She wanted to organize/clean/arrange the basement, and would get upset if I tried to help. She has been trying to clean the basement for 4 years now, I finally went down there, threw everything out & washed what was left.

Dirty dishes are completely invisible to her. Food is left drying on the stove overnight.

Don't tell me I need to help - I already do, plus I work 14 hours a day, plus I take care of the bills. She does not work - All I want is a clean house - I am at the point of blowing my stack - HELP!!!

EXCELLENT INPUT - Obviously hit a nerve - Did I know she was like this? I should have known - I think back to when I dated her, I used to take all the empty glasses & soda cans out of her apartment to throw out. It is not as if she is PHYSICALLY dirty (she is very pretty, clean) just that I almost hate when she makes dinner - anything spilled on the counter stays there. Mop falls over on floor - it will stay there. Spill a soda on the table, and I mean a whole soda, she will wipe up with a napkin & leave the rest of the sticky mess there. I am NOT a neat freak, but I always believed you picked up as you made the mess.

Answer 1

Try talking to her about how you feel. Tell her you feel like you are doing everything and you need some help. I know this is going to sound weird but make a schedule and put it on the fridge or something. Ex. laundry Monday, Wednesday and Friday, or clean bathroom on Tuesday, this way it wont be over whelming for her to try to do everything everyday and she can get used to it. But trust me it is better to have dishes done everyday either in the morning or at night so it don't build up. I don't know if this will help but if she didn't have to do any cleaning as a kid or what not she may just not feel like she needs to now. This can be a huge deal for married couples and many divorce over it so just try talking about it and not fighting over it. Good luck.

Answer 2

I am in the same position, but I am the wife. I do work at home but not full time. And I am not the best housekeeper.

Some people were never taught how to clean. making a bathroom spotless doesn't just come to you. In their families, some people were taught cooking, etc, but in some families parents didn't bother. If she had a career and is now a housewife it can be especially different.

She also may miss structure not working and it may be hard for her to be mentally organized.

If i were you, I would get a cleaning lady in there twice a month or at min once a month for just a few short hours to do the heavy work, this way your wife only has to maintain it. (like scrubbing the grout and other things that are things that build up if not done) Your wife can straighten up the clutter while they are there and she will probably pick up a few good tips on cleaning techniques in the guise of someone else cleaning. If they do the tub and the kitchen real good, then the mess is manageable and she can move onto cleaning other areas of the house on a daily basis.
It will prevent fights. It won't take away cleaning from her but it will give her a good head start to actually finishing.
And if your relationship is good except for the cleaning it is worth it.

She may also appreciate the company.

Also, keep in mind that she appreciates you being the breadwinner - but two people still mess up the house.

It is fair to expect that your wife do the day to day cleaning, etc, but work on helping her out by doing little things like putting your clothes in the hamper, and putting your cups in the sink when you are done - if not helping her clean it will just not add to her mess. And follow the "if you take it out, put it back rule".

I am not "nagging" but know that when my own husband comes home, it takes me extra time to get to cleaning because he leaves his wet towel wherever, leaves his pants where he takes them off, and after sitting and watching tv in the evening, there are cups/bowls/remotes/everywhere. It is about gathering everything up from various rooms and then seeing one more thing and never being done.

As far as clutter, sometimes its afraid of letting go. Let her know that another option is to give things to charity that are of no use to you both but are still useful to someone. SOme folks have trouble throuwing things a way that are not broken and perfectly usable because its waist.

In addition, if she finds a cause she wants to support, you will see the junk leave the house fast if they are looking to raise money and do a yard sale. So if she doesn't have an avocation encourage one.

she may not resent cleaning but if she has no intellectual outlet she could feel frustarted/useless

Answer 3

Hi Hun...
Maybe you should sit down with her and let her know exactly how you feel. You can tell her in a loving way that will not hurt her feelings. If the filth is not bothering her, then maybe she thinks that it isn't bothering you. Maybe she doesn't really know how to clean well. I know that sounds kinda crazy, but it's possible. After telling her how you feel about this, try showing her how you like it done.
I have a friend that is the same way. She can vacuum her carpet and think the whole house is clean. She doesn't see the spiderwebs in the corner or the books and papers stacked mile high at the end of the couch. She sees a clean carpet. I didn't know exactly how to tell her that her house was a mess. I went over one day and pretended like I was bored and started cleaning up. Once I cleaned everything and the house looked really nice, she could see the difference. She was amazed at how some of the littlest things could make her house look horrible. After she seen the improvement, it was easier for her to keep it that way. She's actually quite the "neat freak" now.
Just try talking to her about it and show her what you are talking about. Like I said, maybe she doesn't think that it bothers you. Good luck in your situation and I hope that everything works out for you.

Answer 4

Just how important is a clean house to you, relative to a good, loving relationship with your wife? You have to pick your battles, and this one may or may not be the one you want to make an issue of. Do as others have suggested and hire someone to come in once a week for a couple of hours to clean. In between, pick up and put things away yourself, but understand that you're doing it because YOU want it done. Don't resent it because you want to control her. Learn to live with a little less neatness in your life. There may be another issue here that you haven't touched on. You say your wife does not work outside the home, and you imply that she does not contribute in other ways, such as taking care of children, shopping, cooking, etc. If that is the case, she may be depressed. If she is, then that shouldn't be left undiagnosed and untreated. If she is doing some of those other household chores, maybe you undervalue her contribution.

Answer 5

It is a Heretical Doctrine. There is no such thing as OSAS! The Truth About a Believer's Security in Christ The heart of this teaching is that is that the Christian must continue to depend on Christ as Savior and Lord, living a life of faith and obedience . . . Jn 15:4, Gal 5:25, 2 Pet 3:18 This continuing truth is the exercise of the same saving faith which brings salvation. It is a faith that relies on God's grace and faithfulness . . . 1 Pet 5:7, 1 Cor 10:13, Heb 13: 5-6, Jude 24,25 It is a faith that continues to depend on Christ . . . 1 Jn 5:11-12 It is a faith that leads to obedience to God's will and His law . . . Rom 8:3-4. 1 Jn 5:2-3 It is a faith that works with God in order to bring about His known purposes . . . 1 Jn 3:2-3, Phil 3:12-14, Heb 12:1-2 It is a faith that dares to go forward, still trusting God to do what He has promised, especially when He calls to special service . . . Acts 10:28-29, Acts 13:2-3, Phil 4:13 It is a faith, strengthened by exercise as God's faithfulness is proved. Obedience is always necessary to keep salvation. The new life in Christ is a life of obedience. Those who disobey what they know to be God's will are falling from their spiritual state by the measure of their disobedience . . . Lk 6:46, Mt 7:26-27, Rom 2:6-11, Rom 6:16 Salvation is only for those who obey . . . Heb 5:9, Jn 15:14, 1 Jn 2:3-4 Backsliding is a Bible word for falling away from God after being saved. Those who have never been truly saved cannot be said to backslide in this sense. Nevertheless, some truly saved people have lost their salvation, and this danger faces every Christian. One wrong act is not of itself backsliding. Backsliding is determined by the attitude of the heart. Where wrong doing is followed by repentance, forgiveness can be sought. But if there is no repentance, the result will be backsliding with more and more separation from God. There can be a loss of faith - a ceasing to trust in Jesus as Savior by relying on some other ground of faith (Gal 1:6) or by giving up all trust in the true Gospel message . . . 1 Tim 1:19, Heb 3:12 There can be a sliding back through sinful neglect or sinful acts (1 Cor 3:16-17, 1 Cor 9:25-27) or turning away from Christ to worldly living . . . 2 Pet 2:20-22 When a believer purposely turns away from Christ and rejects the demands of Christian discipleship or rejects Christ as Savior, all spiritual dealings with God have ceased. This can happen even though one still claims to be a Christian . . . Heb 10:29, Heb 6:6, Rev 3:1 The backslider who keeps on fighting against God's will loses both present and final salvation. The Bible teaches that those who have received new life in Christ can lose it and turn from Him . . . Mt 5:13, Jn 15:6, Lk 8:13, Lk 9:62, Gal 5:4, Heb 6:4-6, 2 Pet 2:20-21, 1 Tim 4:1 The eternal life God gives is a quality of life the believer has only while he abides in Christ . . . 1 Jn 5:11-12, Rom 8:9. Those who are kept safe are they who hear Christ's voice and continue to follow Him . . . Jn 10:27-28 Final salvation is promised only to those who are faithful to the end . . . Col 1:22-23, Heb 3:14, Heb 10:38-39. Jesus Himself taught this . . . Mt 10:22, Mt 24:13, Rev 2: 10,25 Those who are not faithful to the end will be lost . . . Rom 1:28, 2 Cor 13:5-7, 2 Tim 3:8, Titus 1:16 The backslider who continues to rebel against God can only expect to face God's judgment . . . Heb 10:26-27 The way to be safe from backsliding is to walk in the Spirit . . . Gal 5:16,25

Answer 6

i am a stay at home mom/wife. my husband works 6 am until 2 pm every day exept for the weekends. I clean the house thouroughly on mondays and wednesdays and fridays. and in between that i touch up and pick up and straighten up the house. i am a neat freak.i dust 3 to 4 times a week and vacum everyday and do laundry 5 to 6 days a week. i run errands and take care of a bay who is 1 yr old on top of that. i am tired a lot but this is something i chose to do. i do not recieve 1 bit of help from my husband what soever. i cook 6 days a week dinner the 1 day isfor soup and salad simple and that is on mondaynights. after dinner i am the one 100% that washes the dishes and cleans the kitchen i have on weekendsasked my hubby if he would help me load the dishwasher while i go bathe the baby and get him ready for night night. his answer is no. u are the woman and u are to do all of it. i keep my mouth shut because at least i get fed and have a bed to sleep in and clean clothes . so to answer ur question. yes she should clean the house and she should do a lot more than what she is doing. i do ...again i am tired and i get depressed too but i have no choice . when i worked a full time job i still did 95%of the house cleaning and cooking.i was always tired and still am. but i do it. people wonder how my house stays spotless. i like it clean and even though i keep it clean my husband inspects it every day to make sure i did not miss anyspot and if i do he makes sure to inform me of that. so she needs to get cleaning.

Answer 7

Did you know she was like that when you married her? Your right it probably doesn't bother her, I like to clean on my own time not when someone gets upset about it. I like things clean but a little clutter doesn't bother me and not having everything clean constantly doesn't either. I can leave dirty dishes after the food is put away and it doesn't bother me. It's just how I am. My husband hated it even though my husband expected me to pick up after him too sounds like you help her and that is good but you won't change the way she is. Some people like things neat and are neat themselves, some people expect things neat but they themselves are not(like my ex) others just don't care like me..lol not filthly but a little mess doesn't get to me....... BTW, do you have kids they could be keeping her busy and she is too tired to clean? BTW, we are divorcing and it's still his main reason but the real reason is he was emotionally abusive and a few times physically. I hope you are not and from your first few sentences it doesn't sound like it... My husband claimed he couldn't even give me affection if he came home and the house wasn't clean and so he hid in the bedroom and we had kids I was taking care of. I became depressed. Do you think your wife could be? So I guess I agree with the answer above mine. How important is it? I believe it was the reason my husband was so bitter towards me and everything fell apart because he said I was bitter. Although he also has a arrogant attitude he is always right. No emotional closeness and just felt like he wanted a maid. You sound like you and your wife are still close and I hope so that you don't act controlling towards her. She is your wife not a child. The part about going in the basement and throwing everything out, I hope you didn't throw anything away of hers. Some people are also packrats and because of insecurities or whatever have a hard time letting go of things. I am this way but trying to improve. Being forced to however will just make her resent you. Helping out can not be in a resentful manner either as in when you are about to blow up over it.......And not everyone can afford to hire a maid but just let her know she is appreciated as more than that to you...................................................................................................Hit a nerve.....LOL.. I guess you did....Well I guess since you knew what you were getting into, you have to love her for who she is or break up your marriage over it.....I don't think you can change her no matter how hard you try. Even though I was working at the time so don't know why he even thought it but my future husband now ex said he wanted to marry me despite me being lazy then thought I would be the perfect housewife. It gets tiring trying to keep a perfect house when he just left his messes for me. I try to keep up with my two youngs boys as well but sometimes the clutter stays for awhile... .....Why does a mop falling over bother you so much? The sticky mess I could see but a mop?????

Answer 8

I feel for you and I do not think you are asking for alot.Did you tell her this? maybe if you told her she would clean and if you did tell her and she still does not clean maybe she can get a part time job and let her pay for a maid. or give her one place in the house that she can keep how ever she wants not the whole basement, maybe a junk drawer of a closet something out of sight but she really does need to clean the kitchen and not leave food out it is not healthy, good luck.

Answer 9

Did you not know that she was like that before you married her? I say get some counseling. Maybe a counselor can get her to see that a clean house is important for your happiness and emotional survival. Personally I couldn't stand that. Toys, books, etc. thrown all over the place don't bother me, but filth absolutely has to go in my home. I can stand dirty dishes overnight if I'm tired but they get washed the very next morning.

Answer 10

How much do she weigh? Because when I gained weight I noticed that my energy was gone. Having energy is a factor in my life. Do she sleep all day? She may have a sleeping disorder. Do you have kids? Set rules for toys, food etc.
My kids only eat in the kitchen. Toys stay in their room.
Talk to her, explain to her that you work all day and you shouldn't have to come home to clean up. Also it would be nice to have a clean kitchen bed, to keep away bugs. Don't be demanding, that will make her not want to do it. How old is she? If you have kids, take them somewhere on a Sat. or Sun. She might clean better without interruptions.