Story thing. Opinion and suggestion excepted?

Question

It was dark. The thunder in the distance was a sure fire sign that a storm was heading this way. Not a soul walked the streets tonight. Inside an old run down church a cultist stared out the window. He was look out for the imperial scum that had run out necromancy and other cults out of the country. The black Dragon cult was well known for its "Ways" to deal with people. They were feared by all and revered by some. In the corner of the room on a small dog bed was this little baby Black Dragon.
"Their late" The cultist said.
The little Dragon bounded over to the cultist and looked up to him with her Big O' Eyes. They were kind eyes for she was still just a baby yet they were going to teach her in the dark arts once she becomes older. He picked her up.
"Oh little Katrina, why is it that its only you and me tonight? The meeting was for tonight and I know the others just dont forget something like this" He said softly to the Drakling.
She squeaked and looked at the door. Knocking...

The knocking stopped. The cultist sighed. Then the door was busted down and when the dust cleared 5 imperial guards marched in and surrounded the cultist.
"You are sentenced to death for illegal activities dealing with a cult. Pleading now will not save your live" The first guard said.
The second guard raised his sword to the cultists throat.
"Any last words" He asked.
The cultist stood there for a moment then started to laugh. He raised his hand that was glowing Crimson.
"BWAHAHAHA. The only words I have left are some that you will never understand" The cultist said.
He spoke in some language that dealt with dark deadly magic. With it he disemboweled the first 2 guards and sliced up the third. From under a rotting bench, Katrina sat crying in fear. The cultist disposed of the 4th guard. The room was in a red glow. From under the bench the little Drakling saw the whole slaughter. Even the death of the cultist. The room smelled of blood. The last guard sighed about the dead.

The guard picked up the dog tags from each guard to give to the families. The Drakling looked on in wonder and in fear. The guard called for back up o the bodies would be taken away and the place could be rid of the cultists stuff. He sat down on the bench that Katrina was hiding under. He lit a cigarette and watched the other guards stab the dead body of the cultist. They soon became bored with that and disposed of his corpse. The smoking guard heard a tiny squeak. He paid it no head and thought it was a rat. He took another drag from his cigarette and stepped on the butt. He looked around and thought that with a little paint and new walls would make this place as good as new. He heard another squeak. He got up and opened a snickers bar. After killing a cultist he always eats one as a sign of victory. He heard another squeak. Louder this time. He looked at were he was sitting and noticed a pair of eyes looking at him from underneath the bench. He went to get a closer look.
"Squeak"

Answer 1

I loved it. You let your imagination write the story for you. I think it has the potential to become something more then just a story. I'm a bit of a writer myself and I can see when someone has a writing flare. I write fantasy too. Just keep going over it, adding details here, fixing grammar and punctuation there. I love it though. Keep writing, I want to see how it turns out, so if thats ok her is my E-Mail [e-mail], send the rest to me!!

Answer 2

* Your verb tense doesn't match. First you say "a storm was heading this way" and then say "Not a soul walked the streets tonight." So which is it... past or present?
* "Their late" should be either the contraction "They're late" or "They are late". The latter sounds angrier.
* Dragon doesn't have to be capitalized, its not considered a proper noun. The same applies for "drakling", which I'm assuming is the dragon hatchling.
* "Big O' Eyes" is an awkward phrase, maybe opt for large, expressive eyes, and maybe full of kindness because when people see kind, sometimes they see type.
* If the young dragon is a "drakling", then she is not a baby, maybe she is so young.
* The last sentence just hangs there like a sloth, perhaps something like "She nervously squeaked at the thunderous sound of someone knocking at the door."
* Knocking is stopped, this is implied. Why would the cultist sigh, elaborate?
* "Then the door was busted down" is awkward, it needs an object, who broke the door down?
* The second part should be a new sentence.
* I think you mean "occult", not a cult, and maybe it should be occultist? And its "life" not "live".
* "BWAHAHAHA."? You already said he laughed, not really necessary.
* "He spoke in some language that dealt with dark deadly magic" should be; He spoke in THE language OF dark deadly magic.
* Anyone who is under a bench is usually cowering in fear, not simply sitting and wimpering, not crying. Saw is another word people form differently, use witness.
* "Even the death of the cultist" is a fragment, it should be part of the previous sentence.
* The dog tags might confuse people.
* "guard called for back up o the bodies would..." These should be two sentences, one ending before the "o" and omit it.
* This smoking/Snickers eating gaurd has too many vices going on, pick one, remove the other, its confusing.

Very raw. First draft?

Answer 3

You might want to revise it to get rid of the passive voice. "The cultists knocked down the door" is a stronger sentence than "The door was knocked down by the cultists." Otherwise, it's all right.

Answer 4

First of all, you practically start with the old clichéd "It was a dark, stormy night." Yawn.

Then you repeat words too close in sequence with one another, there are grammatical errors galore and, it's just boring.

Don't quit your McDonald's job.

Answer 5

It seems that Cybil is harbouring a deep secret. Cassidy, with the help of Jake, discovers quickly adequate that the reason her mum and dad died and them being despatched to boarding college weren't purely twist of fate...

Answer 6

Remember...the passive voice can weaken the clarity of your writing.

Answer 7

woahh just a bit weird.