I am presently separated from my husband of 15 years, happier alone and relieved to finally out of a difficult relationship. I have two children and the eldest is adamant I take his father back. He is 14, why does'nt he see his mother is happier now ? I am unable to understand his reaction as he has witnessed lots of incidents that occured.
I am not holding him back from seeing his dad, I am being loving caring and as patient as I can but this behaviour of his is really getting me down.
2007-05-03 02:15:44 · 17 answers · asked by sonia 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
remember what it was like being a teenager? The world revolves around ME ME ME!!! Other people's feelings just don't come into it at that age and he really is unable to comprehend why you cannot be together to suit him. You have got to remember, at his school if two people fall out then they just have to say "sorry" and the moment is forgotten and they're friends again. Maybe, in a juvenile way, he thinks that's all you have to do.
You're obviously keeping good relations with his father and encouraging access. However, if there is truly no hope of a reconciliation then you have to discourage any false hope on his part. Be firm, be patient but say that the marriage is over between his father and you but that you both love him and that will never disappear.
You're bound to get a strong reaction but I wouldn't discuss any of the past incidents with him any more. He's seen them, he's heard them and, remember, it gives him a conflict of loyalty since he loves you both equally. So forget what happened in the past, tell him firmly that the marriage is over. Make sure that his dad, too, is telling the same story. That way, he knows that the decision is a joint one and is less likely to be reversed.
This really is a difficult time, I know, but you can get through this - you just have to be firm and strong.
Good luck, these difficult times will be over.
2007-05-03 05:02:35 · answer #1 · answered by gorgeousfluffpot 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
i think most kids go through wanting their parents back together again after a divorce even if it was a bad marriage. A part of them is torn about how to feel about their parents, another part is torn that it might have something to do with them, and it is also hard to accept change sometimes. Get him into some counseling because divorce for any child is pretty tough and if he witnessed some pretty hard stuff while you were married to this man then he may need to be able to express it with a trained professional. If money is a problem most states have therapists that use a sliding scale fee that would make it easier on you to pay for it.
2007-05-03 02:26:11 · answer #2 · answered by wilfeistykitten2003 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
i think your doing great to be so patient....he is now old enough to be able to sit down with....explain your reasons for leaving his dad if he has witnessed most things anyway then you have nothing to hide..
explain how you feel happier now, how you can be a better mother now if he just gave you a break.
ask him how he would feel if he was in your shoes...tell him that him being happy makes you happy but that also has to work the other way around.
finally tell him that you love him and no matter what has changed between you and his dad...that can never change..and maybe say sorry for making him feel awkward about this
tell him that if you can see it from his point of you...couldn't he maybe try seeing it from yours....good luck and i wish you well for the future.
2007-05-03 02:26:04 · answer #3 · answered by paula w 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Going thru the same thing..you are not alone!!Glad to see I'm not either.I think also it has to do with the age and teenager factor.I am going thru a divorce and my daughter is 12(a mature 12 too)but she is giving me some probs with her mouthing off and wanting us to still be a family,but as you said its hard for me to understand her actions also as in your situation she has also seen and witnessed disagreements between her father and I (some pretty bad ones too) so she is old enough to understand--but she is just making this rough right now..but i just listen and be there for her,i try to think if its hard for me at 31 I can only imagine how hard this can be to understand and process at 12..so I'm assuming we just have to be PATIENT--they will come around eventually..
2007-05-03 02:28:46 · answer #4 · answered by ccrazeegyrl 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I had that trouble when my son was 7 (hes 16 now) they go through a resentment stage, they cant understand that you were not happy and have moved on, your son at 14 should know better, and see that you are happier without his father, he will eventually have to accept it.
2007-05-03 02:24:45 · answer #5 · answered by Jaz 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Most kids like to have their parents together, just give him time he will finally see that you being by yourself is better. At the moment he's just going through the difficult teenage years where everything is about him and he would like the one thing that feels safe to stay the same (family life). Just continue to give him love and support, he'll come round.
2007-05-03 02:25:20 · answer #6 · answered by NJAS 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
when parents divorce kids don't care why and trust me the happier part doesn't matter to them either,their whole world blows up and they have to deal with their emotions they don't have the time or the mental maturity to deal with the parents emotions.all you can do is be patient for as long as it takes and remember you were married to his father for 15 years and hes is 14 so for you is was just 15 years for him it was his whole life every memories he has is with the two of you and he has to learn how to deal with that loss at his own pace....good luck
2007-05-03 02:55:24 · answer #7 · answered by patbgone 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He Might just want to c yee together Again, Just might think itl be better 2 have both parents around, but he will get over it n c its works better for both of u, I was the same when my parents spilt even thogh they didnt get on i just wanted us all 2 b 2gether, But the older i got i realised that it worked better for them cos they get on better as Friends now, ur Son will c that 2. Goodluck.
2007-05-03 03:00:42 · answer #8 · answered by Lucy 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
he feels as if he has to now take sides and is no doubt tearing himself apart inside with the decision, so to help i suggest be friends with your ex and let your son know that you love him (your son) and its not a mum V's dad battle. Remember he is no doubt scared and he no doubt is rude at times, it is all part of coping. So be loving and gentle but firm. Now more then ever he needs boundaries and rules so be there and be always ready to talk or even more importantly listen.
2007-05-03 02:23:20 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Your son is just experiencing difficulties adjusting to the fact that his dad is no longer around everyday but this will pass in time. If he continues to put pressure on you sit him down and just explain to him that some things are not meant to be. He'll come round in time.
2007-05-03 02:20:25 · answer #10 · answered by unique-diva 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋