Can you help me save me from myself?

Question

My partner and I split up last week. It's complicated, as we were together almost 5 years and we have a child together. All through our relationship I have had to deal with his hardcore porn habit (and I mean HARDCORE) and several profiles on dating sites. Each time I have found these he has told me that he doesn't mean to hurt me and that he won't do it again. This time round I found 3 profiles, one of which was put online when I was pregnant, and another that had messages to another woman on the day after I had our daughter (me and baby still in hosp then) that said "I wish I was still in nz, cos you are a stunner". This was the straw that broke the camel's back and I told him that I didn't want to be with him anymore. He is now going on a crusade to win me back, going to counselling, giving up weed, staying away from those kinds of sites. What am I supposed to do now? On the one hand I love him and would love for everything to be ok, on the other hand, what he has done makes me

positively suicidal and I don't know if I could ever trust him again.
He is staying with his parents at the moment, and tonight he was on msn and put a woman's email in his block list, what does all this mean? Is he really trying or is he trying to play me again??

Answer 1

I think that he may be truly trying, HOWEVER I would not let your guard down too quickly. Have you entertained the idea of going with him to counseling also? Together you may be able to work through this. If it is not ok with you for this behavior, if he truly loves you and respects you and the life he wants with you he will abide by your wishes. I have no respect for a man that behaves that way with his wife pregnant---there is a lot of forgivness that would have to take place, and it is really whether you want to go the extra mile to do that. He seems to be making the effort, however we are creatures of habit, and until you are sure that he has broke the habit, I would remain cautious. Go to counseling with him and see what has driven him to this behavior. See what can be done for resolution. Good Luck and congrats on your baby!

Answer 2

His problem is not your problem. So why would you kill yourself? Worry about yourself and your baby instead of him. He is the one who needs to fix himself. You may or you may not be together if he decides to fix himself. You'll have to let go and accept that. By then you may have rebuilt your self-esteem enough to realize that you deserve better than that. You might love him but sometimes people love the wrong person. If you do decide to stay with him, you both need to go to counseling. He will need to become trustworthy and you will have to stay on him to make sure he's not falling into his old habits. And he will have to understand why you are doing this because he has not earned your trust; or become "trust worthy." That sounds like an awful lot of work and only you can decide it's worth it. My first impulse is to say run far away from this guy. From what I'm hearing it appears as if your relationship may be based more on fear and control rather than love and support. But if for some reason, you really want to make this work and; more importantly if both or you want to make it work, then you can. You can't make someone love you or try to do something. You will have to be a team to make it work. I've seen and heard situations much worse than this that have had "happy endings." But remember this, "Actions should mirror words." Does he say one thing and do the oppostie? Does that make sense to you? How does that make you feel and why do you put up with it? If you mostly feel not-so-good, then you should ask yourself why. Why don't you deserve something better? Why are you staying in a bad relationship? The truth is; you probably already know the answer in your heart but are most likely talking yourself into staying in a bad (unhealthy) relationship perhaps because you're afraid of the unknown. Or maybe you've never had a good relationship so you don't know what you're missing and what you truly deserve - TO BE HAPPY! Life is not static. People come in and out of our lives all of the time. Relationships, ever good ones, are not forever. A change of life direction for one or the other partner or even an unfortunate death can end even the best relationships. We should be grateful for the time that we share with others and for the lessons that we learn; either the easy way or the hard way. Whatever you decide, it's your life so go live it how you want. Nobody's going to tell you how to live it. Visualize what you really want and go get it. Ultimately, the choice is in you and only you can decide. Don't be afraid of what you don't know and don't be afraid to get outside help like counseling. It's a bit like learning good nutrition. Get healthy in your mind and you'll make healthy choices in your life. Thus, you'll feel better, feel more fulfilled and be happier.

Answer 3

You can never really know the answer to that question until you try it & he prooves that he has changed...or hasn't. The real question is...do you even want to try it again? A partner that makes you feel suicidal is not a healthy person to be around, especially when you also have a baby to consider. Sit him down, tell him undoubtedly that this is his absolute last chance. Give him a go & if he screws it up again at least then you will know that you tried. Then stick to your guns & kick him to the curb cutting him off for good. Are you always going to wonder if it could have worked out if you don't try? The answer to that question, is your answer.

Answer 4

i am so sympathetic -- i am in a very simliar situation -- just minus the child. i think the only thing that has kept me from going over the edge of no return is I wouldn't be here to witness his reaction thereby missing out on the satisfaction of causing him at least a little pain -- a hint of guilt -- a shred of regret -- anything! So I have been trying to achieve the same effect but with less drastic (& permanent) effect on myself. the advice given me by friends & strangers alike has been 100% to leave him before its too late (dead!) and don't look back. i can't do it but i hope you can. you have a child to think about so you can't be weak. good luck -- good life

Answer 5

Maybe he is really trying to change based on the things he is doing to win you back eg counselling and quiting weed ect On the other hand bad habits die hard,he is so addicted to msn that he cant help it.However i think he is trying to change,TRUST ME no man would go through so much trouble for you if he didnt care! But sometimes in life there comes a time where we have to move on and make a change and maybe thats what u need to do after waiting on him for 5yrs while he dissappointed u allthat time.

Answer 6

This is complicated..But could u take a break and stay away for some days?Out of his reach and communication!
If answer is NO: Be sure of suffering!
If answer is YES: Try to forget him and find a new partner. If u cant even do that stay alone for few more days and see whether he waits for u or not.....
Tough suggestion?Ya, I know but that was a tough Question!

Answer 7

Sounds like he is trying, you need to ask yourself if you are willing to accept his change ( if he does ) and also if you would ever trust him again. Personally i could never trust someone who has done me in that way, cheating comes with consequences and people who cheat always think they won't get caught, and of course eventually they do and cry it won't happen again, and of coures 9 times out of 10 it does.

Answer 8

You have to leave this man do you realise what could happen to your child, this man is not fit to bring up any child so you must do what is best for your self and your baby and get from this person out of your lives now, no matter how much it hurts.

Answer 9

This ebook might help you to understand what's wrong in your relationship and It also teaches what to do to try saving your marriage http://savemarriage.toptips.org
It helped me alot!

Answer 10

wow... I don't exactly know what to say, I wouldnt trust him at all if i were you. You said he basically did this through out your relationship? And after you had a child? Hes childish, find yourself someone who wants to be with you and only you and move on from him.