how do I learn to get close to people (relationship wise, both as friends and a girlfriend)?

Question

I'm being brutally honest. I've got no friends beyond people I talk to before class and stuff, and people at work that talk to me just because we're in the same place. I'm 20, and have never had a "best" friend, or a girlfriend. I figured out that I don't know how to have any kind of close relationship, and when I have had the chance, I've almost by instinct kept myself from getting close. Why am I like this? What can I do about it? "Just doing it" will NOT work because I don't know how, and my fright and flight will keep me from doing it.

I'm 20 years old by the way...
And as far as I can remember, I've always been like this, and I don't recall having a "bad experience" that made me this way.

Whenever I try to "put myself out there" and be myself (not as shy as I come across as) I experience nervousness and a little paniky, and I get kind of a cool sweat.

Answer 1

Because you have kept to yourself for so long, you may have developed a invisible shield around yourself. In other words you ward people off with your body language. Practice introducing yourself to people in the mirror. Extend your hand as if to shake theirs. Don't fold your arms when talking to people. Don't leave more than 3 feet between you and the person you are speaking to. Loosen you stance. Show expressions of reaction when being spoken to. Make a point of introducing yourself to every new person you come in reasonably close contact with.

There are some good books on how to make friends. One is called "How to Win Friends and Influence People" or it may be "How to Make Friends and Influence People" I had it some years back, and it really helped me. Check the Library or Bookstore for it.

I hope that I helped you. Good Luck!

Answer 2

It takes time to build up a rapport with people at work/school before you can feel more comfortable being social with them outside of those environments. I've been in a new town nearly 8 months and I'm just now calling work/school friends after hours to chat and to go out.

You mentioned "fright and flight". Have you ever talked with a health professional about these feelings? You might have anxiety or a social anxiety. Treatment can consist of medications and psychotherapy (talk therapy).

I can understand your frustration, however considering the length of time you have dealt with these issues I would highly recommend talking with your physician or student health office. You might be surprised to find you are not alone with these feelings, and there are ways to overcome them.

Answer 3

You need to purposely make yourself be more outgoing and friendly. I myself am a bit standoffish around strangers but to overcome it, I put my game face on and make myself interact with them. You've got to let your guard down long enough for someone to get to know you. If you're worried about what to say, start buying the newspaper to find things to talk about. Just keep at it and you'll find some great friends.

Answer 4

You're like me, a loner.

You can only be very close to someone that is exactly right for you. Be very patient.

I'm 43, have never had close or best friends, but i have had very good and long lasting relationships with women, it just took a long time to find them.

You'll find him, just live your life and don't sweat it.

Answer 5

you have to try to be interested in people with a curious eye at first, then choose who u like best, little by little some emotions will rise. u dont have to b afraid of feelings, because it is only with feelings that u get a REAL life. open up ur heart, feel that everything around you is full of emotions, good and bad, and the rest will come...
read this poem I pasted here 4 u, u may find it useful:

DIES SLOWLY (ode to life), by Pablo Neruda,

Slowly dies he who becomes a slave to habit,
repeating the same journey every day,
he who doesn’t change his march, he who doesn’t risk
and change the color of his clothes, he who doesn’t speak to he whom he doesn’t know.

Slowly dies he who makes of the television his guru,
Slowly he who avoids a passion dies, he who prefers
black on white and dots on is rather than a togetherness of emotions
exactly those the make the eyes shine,
those that make the heart beat
before error and feeling.

Slowly dies he who doesn’t overturn the table,
he who is unhappy in his work,

he who doesn’t risk certainty for uncertainty
to follow a dream,
he who doesn’t permit himself at least one time in his life
to flee sensible counsels.

Slowly dies he who doesn’t travel, he who doesn’t read,
he who doesn’t listen to music,

he who doesn’t find grace in himself.
Slowly he who destroys his own love dies,
he who doesn’t allow himself to be helped.
Slowly he who passes his days lamenting
about his own misfortune or the incessant rain dies.

Slowly dies he who abandons a project
before beginning it,
he who doesn’t ask questions about topics he doesn’t know,
he who doesn’t answer when he is asked something that he knows.

Let’s avoid death by small doses,
remembering always that being alive
requires a much larger effort
than the simple act of breathing.

Only burning patience will bring
within reach a splendid happiness.

Answer 6

i have a loyal and a best friend ...i always keep my friend happy i make them laugh they know i talk tooo much but still they love me talking a lot ...so i think you should keep talking to them and make them happyyyy. i guess ur happy now lol :)