My husband is a liar. Do they ever change?

Question

He lies mostly about small things, but has lied about bigger things in the past. His first version of the truth is never the real story. For the last 4 years, our biggest fights have been over his internet porn habit. I never had a problem with my self image until I met him, because he is always online looking at "something else". Recently, I have had some issues with fertility and have felt very un-womanly. His porn habit makes me feel even worse. He has promised over and over to stop. I have always been a laid back person regarding sex - but his continued visits to porn and "hot girl" sites are really taking a toll on me. It's so disrespectful at this point. Worse yet, when he gets caught, he gets pissed at me and doesn't talk to me for days. Shouldn't he be apologizing for being so untrustworthy? Aside from the porn issue, he is just always getting caught in little lies. It concerns me because I think to myself, "if he lies about this, what else is lying about?"

Answer 1

He will never change and you'll never be able to trust him. He has a personality disorder, and may very well be addicted to porn (most guys can take it or leave it, but it sounds like its consuming your guy).

I know that you've struggled to have children, but it may have been a silver lining to your cloud. The cloud is this man's inability to be honest with the one person in the world to which he should be an open book. I would also get the hell out before you learn one of his lies the hard way and he infects you with an STD (his next step [if he hasn't taken it already]) is to meet one of these women. And you'll never know, because he'll never tell you.

Answer 2

Red flag warning! Addictions and compulsions of any kind, including pornography, are signs of unresolved, deep inner turmoil that usually originate from some emotional and/or physical trauma that occurred long before you entered his life. And his hurt was never dealt with proper loving and caring guidance. So, the feelings went dormant ... until he met you. Not your doing or your fault at all. His covert behavior regarding the porn is a way he can keep his addiction going. Once caught, he lies because his dissociation from reality convinces him that what he is doing is ok, because his mind is telling him that the addiction is soothing to him. The addictions just "fill up holes in his soul." He may have already tried to convince you its nothing, only to try other ways of keeping his activities secret, even after confrontation. The addiction keeps his judgment skewed towards feeding the addiction more and not taking care of his responsibilities. I would not be surprised if there are other covert addictions occurring. Your husband is acting out from deep hurt and repressed feelings from his past (he's probably numb) and needs serious intervention, whether secular and/or spiritual counseling.

Answer 3

I wouldn't be cool with my guy looking at porn either so don't feel your in the wrong. I was married and to be honest if my husband would have had an addiction to looking at porn I would have left him or cheated on him. Either way it would not worked out. You should address the issue and tell him that it is affecting your marriage. You should tell him you want to go to counseling if he refuses or continues after the fact you might want to consider leaving the marriage. If he lies and does things to disrespect you he sounds a little shady.

Answer 4

He lies to avoid your disapproval. Try to take an attitude that he is an adult. As such he has the ability to choose how he spends his time.

Leave it at that. If he chooses to spend time with you, then do not bring up the subjects that cause him to duck. Talk about the neighbors, your sister, his cousin, the car. Try just avoiding any criticism at all.

You are putting yourself in the position to be his reasoning for doing what he's doing.

So when he gets on the computer, you go take a bath, put on something...nice, do your makeup and ignore his behavior.....maybe sometime when you're on you can take him to Kama Sutra or Tantric sex sites.

But make it a point just not to mention the negatives for now. Remember what you love about him. Tell him these things. And then see what happens.

Answer 5

Looking at porn sites shouldn't make you feel less of a woman at all. You should have enough self esteem to know that these girls are not going to show up at your door step and want sex from your husband...Its just a release for him. You are the real thing and shouldn't be stressing off it.
The lying is the thing that should be pissing you off most. I wouldn't put up with any lie, big or little!

Answer 6

WOW this sounds exactly like my ex husband. Sorry to say he will more than likely NOT change, mine ended up cheating. If they have no control on a computer then they tend not to have control out in the real world with real women. The liar thing gets worse too. I always caught him and he still did it and still does, it is a sickeness both of his issues. I am soooo much better off without him and so are our kids I have full custody of becasue at least they won't pick up on his bad bad ways. I saved them from that.

Answer 7

Well you to think about how much you love him. Some say that internet porn is an addiction (I don't believe that myself). Can you accept him or is it enough to make you leave. Try to get some help for him. Could be a psychological issue. If that doesn't work then you should move on. You don't deserve to feel unworthy because of his disgusting habits.

Answer 8

Sounds like a list of small issues that could build up to a bigger issue. Now is the time to take some marriage counseling -- discuss his lies, his internet porn habit, infertility, your self-image, etc.

Answer 9

Most people lie, at least a little. You should take that as a given.
Habits are hard to break.
I pledged fidelity to my wife, but the only way I could abide by it was to have access to porn. Monogamy is a social construct. It is probably true that not all people are naturally monogamous. Would you rather have him having affairs, or going to hookers? Porn is disease free and relationship free. Try to incorporate it into your lovemaking - many couples do.

Answer 10

DO NOT HAVE A BABY WITH THIS GUY..until he stops this behaviour. You need to sit him down and tell him what you just told us. Tell him how his looking at porn and lying makes you feel. Tell him you don't like but be reasonable. Guys look at porn for various reasons but I would never think that it's because you don't do it for him. Guys look at porn because they think about sex every 10-12 seconds and that's a scientific fact. Wouldn't you rather he looked at porn then bothering you every 10-12 seconds trust me my husband bothers me 24/7 he wants lingerie everyday, dirty text messages and sex everyday...it's alot of work!!