Should I marry my fiancee?

Question

My fiancee and I have been together for almost 6 years. We lived together for more than 4 years, but split up and moved apart more than a year ago. Since that time we have been trying to work things out. But the same issues that broke us up are still there. He is a heavy drinker and smoker, I am a light smoker and like to drink only occasionally. I can hear him opening up beer cans at 5am before he goes to work. There were some mental and emotional abuse issues going on as well. I do loive him, and we share the same goals, I just don't know if I can deal with his habits, and I am very afraid that the emotional and mental abuse will; resume if I were to move back in with him. He is not willing to stop drinking, although he talks about quitting smoking. I am very torn as to what to do. Help!

Answer 1

Sounds like you KNOW that this is not going to work out, but you want others to TELL you that you are right.

OK.....You are right. This is a recipe for a disastrous marriage.
You will be very stressed and unhappy if you marry him because alcoholism is a progressive disease. IF he's drinking at 5 AM now, what is he going to do in a year or two?

You sound like a smart girl, so gather your courage and leave him. Deal with your issues now...If you can, get therapy and find out WHY you have sabotaged yourself with this unhealthy relationship for so long! It won't be easy but it will get you answers.

Move on with your life -and learn from this relationship- and from the time you have lost with this man.

You deserve better, so don't sell yourself short. (Loneliness and desperation make you do dumb things, so look for support and keep yourself busy.)

Remember...IF you don't love and respect yourself first..You cannot expect others to love or respect you, either.

Good luck and keep focused on what you want....!

Answer 2

If he is opening beer at 5am before going to work, he is more than just a heavy drinker. You need to ask yourself if you are ready to commit yourself to spending the rest of your life with an alcoholic. Of course the emotional and mental abuse will resume. Alcoholics are selfish and concerned primarily with getting drunk. You, your needs, and those of any future children you might have will always be less important than his beer. Save yourself a lot of misery and break it off. Unless he is willing to quit drinking completely, you deserve better! I am an alcoholic, so I am speaking from experience. I have been sober for quite a while now because I got tired of hurting everyone I loved and that loved me. I don't do the AA thing, just simply remind myself that I am a complete loser when I drink and I hurt people. If he really loved you, he would stop drinking for you. Sorry.

Answer 3

I can understand your situation. While I wouldn't classify my long-term boyfriend as a "heavy" drinker and smoker, he definitely likes to party a lot more than I do, and I sometimes get frustrated by that because I don't really consider things like having house parties or drinking on the balcony all evening to be fun, so I end up going away early, usually angry because he'd rather stay out there and party than come with me. Regardless, though, there is so much I love about him that I need to overlook the hard-partying ways that he probably never will outgrow, and I have to accept him for all that he is. Maybe we don't share the same views on what constitutes a rockin' good night, but I still want to be with him always, and I still want our future kids to have his good traits. I can't imagine life without him. If your fiance is at least talking about quitting smoking, I think you owe it to him after all these years to be supportive of him and to let him prove to you that he can do it. Good luck.

Answer 4

You have no right to be angry with him. If you didn't see proof of a divorce you should never have entered into a relationship with this man. A lot of people refer to their estranged wives/husbands as their exs Obviously you have little or no common sense. As far as leaving the state, yes you can but he can file for custody of his child and it is feasible that he will be filing in the state he is living in which is also the state YOU were living on so you will be required to go back there for any court proceedings involving custody visitation. You were right to leave the ring with him, obviously YOU broke off the engagement and had you not left it he could also take you to court for either the ring or it's cost. But all in all you can't blame him because YOU were gullible and didn't have the sense to have him show some kind of proof he was no longer married before you became involved with him. That dear child (and yes your immaturity makes you a child) rests squarely on YOUR shoulders. Also Holly is wrong in assuming that his signing the birth certificate will grant you child support. That is up to the court to decide, a name on a birth certificate is only a name and you don't need the father's name on the birth certificate to prove paternity. If he wants to file fo custody all he has to do is have a DNA test ordered through the court and you will HAVE to comply or be in comtempt of court and wind up in jail. If you leave the state before the birth of the child the court could contend that you did so out of spite, which a court could determine to make you unfit.

Answer 5

You had to ask, "should I marry my fiancee?" and the answer is obviously NO, you should move on. This will not work out in your interest, for the drinking will not stop, and will, indeed, get worse. Perhaps I have misjudged you, and you might like being married to an alcoholic....if so, go ahead. AS for me, I cannot stand being around a drunk..they are not nearly as fun as they think they are.

Answer 6

You really know what to do, but don't want to face up to it. He is never going to change. He is never going to be better. Leave and never look back. You are not going to be able to change him and all the dreams you have will never come true with this man. He is more likely to cause nightmares to come true than dreams.

Set in your mind what you truly want from a man (all the attributes you want) then go and find that man. Stop projecting your ideal man on this guy, because he'll never measure up.

Short answer, no, don't marry him!

Answer 7

If you want to raise children with an alcoholic and potentially spend the rest of your life with one, then marry the guy. If not, get out now - the emotional and mental abuse WILL return, trust me.

Answer 8

The drinking and abuse problems alone are very serious reasons to stay away. After all the years you have been together, of course it is going to be difficult to stay apart, but I think in this case, it is the best. Often alcohol problems get worse after marriage.

Answer 9

It sounds like you two are growing apart and changing (for the worse) in this relationship. I suggest if you want to give it another shot that you have a talk with him, lay everything flat out and what you two can do to work through your problems and habits, seek a professional in marriage counseling. If it works out then marry him if not then don't.

Answer 10

No....getting married to him isn't going to make things better.

You don't really have the same goals....otherwise you wouldn't have a problem with him drinking a beer at 5 in the morning.