We've been married 3 years and I moved in to his house from another state. Earlier in our marriage when we fight he would threaten to throw me out of the house which he actually did once and had to live for a day with a neighbor. This went on for a while. Asked him countless times never to use this mental game on me, and finally he stopped. He didn't do it for a while until a month ago during a fight he told me that he bought the house for him and his children(from a previous marriage). Now he wanted to remodel the kitchen and expect me to use my paycheck (I make more money than him) to remodel it. I don't trust him anymore after what he's done. I asked him to write a document basically saying I spent money on his house. He doesn't want to give it to me, he said it should be implied that I am part of the house. We share the same bank account and I told him from now on I will separate my paycheck. This is a mess, what should I do? Can I trust him again?
2007-05-02 08:54:59 · 29 answers · asked by MMC 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
No I'm not leaving out any other details. The interest is way too good to refinance it, really good. When I told him I'm going to put my money in a different bank he told me I will have to pay half the mortgage and everything else. It's sick! We've tried counseling I hate doing counseling with him because everytime we fight he would always say "the counselor said this and that." I really am seriously considering divorce but we have kids together. Do you think his threats are just spoken in anger but he doesn't really mean it?
2007-05-02 09:13:10 · update #1
Give it time, a lot of time. But, you'd better start looking at this with both eyes open. Rather than trying to see what might be, could be, perhaps ought to be ... see what actually is.
It appears to me that he has made his choices and his first choice and second choice are not you. The question, why are you so willing to accept being the third choice of a man? His family comes first, the house comes next ... you are third. Why do you do this?
I'd advise you to start saving up your money, a little at a time, and don't tell him about it. Then be willing to walk if he gives you any crap ... and you know he will, sooner or later.
2007-05-02 08:58:39 · answer #1 · answered by John B 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sounds like a mess. If he just said this to you again a month ago after you've told him not to do that too, he is not trust worthy. The way I see it, you have two options here. Either talk to him calmly and respectfully and let him know that marriage has to be based on trust and if it is "his house" then you guys need to find a new one that is the both of yours because he has used this line on you too many times or get a divorce. I don't think I would put up with the controlling issues he has any longer.
2007-05-02 09:02:23 · answer #2 · answered by misbotta 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Some guys demand trust and some earn it. If there is reason enough not to trust him now then he has not earned your trust. If you confront him with this issue he may become defensive and plead for trust now. It's the old "I know I made mistakes in the past honey, but this time is different, Trust me." If he has not shown trust before on smaller issues then why would he not betray you on larger ones? A compromise here could go a long way. Depending on your level of conversation skills you could offer to use your money only if he agrees to let you design the kitchen and hold the project to a budget. Think of yourself as a project supervisor. You would set up times to work, make goals, design a plan of attack for demolition, and coordinate supplies. This way you and your money are both involved in new kitchen. If this seems like a threat to his manhood you could spin it up your way by saying "It's time I starting learning how to do things." Another spin is I want to be involved and "I want you to show me how to do this or that."
2007-05-02 09:14:49 · answer #3 · answered by ROBERT C 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It is so hard to win back trust from the ones you love and I know that you want to have the trust back with your husband, despite the past.
Why isn't your name on the house? If I was you, I would look into having my name on the house or what the laws are in your state regarding this issue.
Anyway, why can't a loan be taken out to remodel the kitchen? If your name isn't on the house, why would you invest in it? I understand that he's your husband and all but if he's making it known that this is his house then it sounds to me to be a little strange that he wants you to invest your money..
2007-05-02 09:07:50 · answer #4 · answered by lwheavenlyangel 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You've established residency in that house and if he ever throws you out again, call the police, he can't do that! They will make sure you get back in! He should have put your name on the title to the house since you are married!!! I'd separate my money too! Remodeling the house should be something the two of you decide on, not just something he does on his own! It up to you if you feel you can trust him again or not, but I'd sure give it some time.
2007-05-02 09:04:08 · answer #5 · answered by wish I were 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Whenever you have to wonder if you can ever trust someone the relationship is over. Once trust is lost you will always view the person with a "crooked eye". You both should just your separated ways. Based on what you wrote this relationship seems like a train wreck.
2007-05-02 09:03:51 · answer #6 · answered by vicki_blue_07 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
To me it sounds like he is useing you for your money. If he knows how you feel then I don't think its right for him to keep treating the way he has. If I was you I would tell him that you are leaving for good, I think you would be better off being with someone else or by your self once the trust is gone once then you wont' trust him again
2007-05-02 09:05:56 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Way too many issues to be answered here! MARRIAGE COUNSELOR. By the way, if you have been married for 3 years and make more than him, if it should come to divorce, the judge will take into consideration that reasonably you did contribute to the financial part of remodeling. If for no other reason that without your contribution there will not have been enough to do the work. unfortunately in almost every case, in order for you to recoop any contribution, the house will have to be sold and the proceeds split. Do you want the kids homeless? But again, MARRIAGE COUNSELOR!
2007-05-02 09:06:49 · answer #8 · answered by Knowledge Thirsty 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Maybe he is having problems outside your marriage. Or maybe he is just controlling which is never good. My best bet is that you two should work on fixing your relationship as husband and wife, Best friends, and soul mates. See a marriage counselor and just see what happens. But just remember it takes two to make and effort. If one person is doing all of the work, and all you will find is more frustration. But give it a try. i hope this See's you well, and good luck.
2007-05-02 09:05:56 · answer #9 · answered by christina_v06 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you live in TN and you don't have a prenuptial agreement you do own 1/2 of the house. TN is a community property state. Check your local laws, because you are married you might be 1/2 owner!
2007-05-02 08:59:04 · answer #10 · answered by me4tennessee 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋