Many times, the abuser starts out extremely sweet. (I will be using male pronouns for the abuser and female for the abused because that is statistically accurate.) He will open doors, carry books, call often just to say, "Hi." He is extremely courteous and devoted. Then, he will do something very small, "forget" to hold the door, etc. It will get a little bigger on the jerk scale, very small increments, remember.
Then the abused will do something that upsets the abuser. She will forget to call, be a few minutes late showing up, whatever. He will get mad, say something mean, and she will be hurt. He apologizes. If she stands up for herself, is confident and unwilling to take his crap, he'll usually move on. It is a test, "What can I get by with?"
She accepts his apology, after all who doesn't have a bad day. Besides, she really was late or whatever. It never occurs to her that being late is irrelevant. No matter what, she has the right to respect and kind treatment. (Don't get me wrong, girls can be jerks, too, but no run of the mill woman can take a run of the mill man, there are exceptions, but that is the rule.)
After a few trial runs to test her reaction, he ups the ante. Little by little, he alienates her friends- little put downs towards them, making plans for the 2 of them when she has plans with family and friends- all sorts of things to keep her isolated. She feels extremely important. She must be, he wants her to himself, he values her, he can't live without her. And no matter what the feminists say, women need to be needed. Not necessarily a bad thing, and it is true. She finds worth, value, and security in his presence. She doesn't have to worry about a lot of things any more. He takes care of it.
She doesn't see that he is slowly starting to control her entire world. One day, she makes plans to go out or something else away from him, forgets a date or some such thing and he gets angry. She has, in his mind, defied him. She is not a person, she is his possession, she has no right to do anything without his permission. She feels guilty for forgetting. After all, how would she feel if he forgot, or made other plans, or what ever?
He slaps her, or pushes her or something else. It doesn't hurt that bad, and it stuns her into silence. He sees what he's done. "I'm so sorry. Why did you make me do that? I promise it will never happen again. Oh, can you ever forgive me?" There are gifts, extra time, attention, tenderness. He really must be sorry, and after all it didn't hurt that bad.
Until next time. She does something else. Maybe the same thing.(If it's the same thing it jumps in intensity.) He gets mad, hits a little harder. Apologizes a little less. She is his property. He can do whatever he wants to. She belongs to him.
Friends and family grow weary and concerned. They must be eliminated. She feels ashamed. After all, it was her fault for being late or whatever. He loves her. The good times are the best she's ever had. The bad times don't happen that often at first, and she slowly becomes used to the little things- the name calling, the pushing. It's just not that big of a deal. She defends him. They become alienated. Or, he is just a good ol' boy. No one can believe that he would do such a thing. She is just exaggerating, blowing things out of proportion. He must have bumped her or something. It was an accident. She becomes alienated and isolated further.
This continues until she is forced to have sex with him when she doesn't want, until she is no longer able to hide the bruises, until she can't call Mama any more. Her friends have given up, her heart breaks when she sees herself in the mirror. He has told her so many times that is her fault that she actually believes it. He has control of her money. She is afraid to leave. He has made it very clear that she belongs to him. If she leaves, he will kill her. He will hurt her siblings, her parents, friends, what ever is important to her will suffer.
The police, especially in small towns, tend to scoff at her. It's not that bad. They know him. Sometimes, they will go so far as to tell the guy that she came in. She feels as though she has no place to go. The doctors and nurses at the hospital turn a blind eye. They don't want to get involved. He is with her every minute she is awake at the hospital. They don't want to make him mad, who knows what he will do?
It ends one of two ways- she leaves or he kills her. If she is lucky, she makes it out alive, but the fight is far from over. If she married him, she has to fight for anything the court might throw her way. Restraining orders are just paper. They don't stop bullets. Police are hesitant to get involved. It's just a woman trying to wear the pants. Women's shelters can be terrifying. CPS tends to get involved. She is ashamed. If it was so bad, why didn't she leave? The court tends to make it her fault, friends and family can't see why she didn't leave sooner.
He is charming. It is hard to believe that this great guy could do anything that bad. There are little to no witnesses. It is her word against his. She often doesn't have pictures of the bruises, doctors are reluctant to come forward. They often don't report clear signs of abuse, and then they can be in a lot of trouble for not reporting it, so they deny. She is alone, afraid, and convinced it is all her fault.
How do I know? I lived it. My ex tried to kill me more than once. He threatened our daughter. He still has visitation rights. He was never tried for putting me in the hospital. He is now in prison for attempting to murder a police officer. One of the good ones. He was trying to protect us when he got hurt. The judge still says my ex is no threat to our child.
You don't see it coming. The heat gets turned up so slowly that you just don't think it is bad until you are left with no idea where to turn, you feel trapped, helpless and worthless. He makes sure of it. He needs to be in control so badly, he doesn't see anything wrong with what he is doing. His dad did it. That is the way to keep your woman in line. He really thinks everybody does it in secret. He is not a bad guy. She is just property. Every body knows that you have the right to do whatever you want with your property.
If you know some one who has mysterious bruises, broken bones, or is just in a relationship that seems anything like this, please, do NOT give up on them. Be there no matter what she says. No matter what he says. If he threatens you, call the police. No matter how much she protests. No matter how angry she gets, call them. Document what you see. Write specific dates and times. Quote him, if you can. Be as accurate as possible.
If worse comes to worst, at least you can help the police nail the guy.
2007-05-02 10:02:36
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answer #1
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answered by 6angelsmama 2
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Emotional abuse (any act intended to undermine your emotional well being) - I'll just list them all, you pick the ones that apply. Said things to spite or insult you infront of others, telling you how you should feel or what you should like or not like, said or acted like you were stupid, called you names or swore at you, insulted you, taunted you in the name of fun, telling you that you will fail, telling you that you can't make it on your own, blaming you for all things that go wrong, accused you of having an affair, balmed you for his problems, withheld affection to punish you, put down you physical appearance, teasing, criticized you care of children/home, told you you were crazy or irrational, yelling or screaming at you, ignored you or your feelings, blaming you for his faults, accusing you of being violent when you protect yourself in anyway, labelling you as stupid, *****, ugly or whore, using information about your past to hurt you, told you the family would be better off without you, attacked pets or property.
The abused usually gets stuck in a cycle of the honeymoon behavior and the abuse, feeling everying is somehow their fault (mostly because they believe their abuser) and the hope that things will change, at that to low self-esteem...and the list goes on.
Signs of abuse:
http://health.ivillage.com/mentalhealth/mhabuse/0,,1ctq,00.html
2007-05-02 15:58:32
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answer #4
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answered by Anonymous
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