my ex and my children?

Question

8 months ago I left my husband of almost nine years. It was a verbally and controlling marriage that became physically violent. I had left and then when I tried to set down and talk to him about the divorce he attacked me and physically harmed me. I managed to get him to stop but the next day I left and went to my parents home with our two children. I also went to the police and they arrested him the next day on two felony d counts and a misdemeanor of domestic battery and assault. A few months later he plead guilty to the assault and they dropped the other charges. All he got was a year of probation. He still has my children every other weekend , only when he wants to actually see them. He still gets to travel every week out of the country and state which he says is for business. He went to the Virgin Islands for Christmas and the Super bowel. He still tries to manipulate me on the phone by saying that I am a money hungry *itch. He blames me for all the attorney fees. He keeps trying to get me to settle on things regarding the divorce without my attorney being involved because he says I am taking away money from our children with the fees. But it does not stop him from vacationing. I am living in a two bedroom apartment and he is living in our 42 hundred sq. ft. home. My son has special needs and needs full time care. I can not go get a full time job yet until I find someone who can take care of him. My ex said he will not pay for this and I should have thought about that. He new thing now is that he is moving across the country and will never see the children again. Our daughter is 3 and my son is 7 years old. He is trying to make my life hell. He says once the divorce is final that he will have very minimal contact with us. How do I explain this to my daughter. I don’t want to have her feel this rejection from her father. He has a narcissistic personality and says that because he has to talk to me he can’t deal with the kids. This is the person who tried to harm me in front of her. My son has autism and will still be hurt but does not understand things like my daughter. What can I do to protect her feelings? I love my children and don’t know how my ex could live with out them. Please help! I never speak badly about my ex around my children. But I won’t make excuses for him either and enable this behavior.

Thanks to everyone for listening to my issues and venting. One good thing in my daughter and son’s life is my father (their grandpa). Before moving into my own place I had to live with my parents for 6 months. My father became very close with my daughter and is a very good loving, caring and wonderful role model for her. It sounds strange but I am so grateful for this divorce for many reason but one is that I get to see my parents much more now. My ex always made me feel ashamed of where I came from (he came from the same place) but never wanted anyone to know. I am in a support group and have one on one counseling for the domestic abuse. I want my children to be who they were meant to be in this world and not be changed. The guilt of not choosing the best spouse hurts me. It has been fourteen years of my life. I feel I have taken the higher road in much of the divorce. The only reason he did not loose his job and go to jail was because I told the court to go easy on him.

Answer 1

Wow! This situation is a real mess. I think that what is happening here is that he is using the threat of rejection/abandonment of the kids to get at you because he knows how you feel on the subject.

The first thing to do is come to terms with how dysfunctional he is being as a parent and then that the kids will be better off without that behavior. Yes, your daughter will feel rejected once (the other way it will be many times). Your position needs to be that unless he cleans up his act and behaves like an adult parent you will be delighted if he takes a powder (but you really need to get there and believe it because you will get rageful behavior back). Hopefully you have a restraining order on this guy and if you don't you should before you confront this.

It is entirely possible (but not probable) that he wants to be with the kids more that you think. If that turns out to be true confronting him may get better behavior and if not good riddance.

As to angry behavior over the phone just hang up, you do not have to put up with that. And don't put up with it just to encourage him seeing the kids. It is absolutely NO abuse of ANY kind (including emotional) and if he won't behave to that shut him out.

Also, do you have a decent lawyer? That he is living in the house and not you and the kids sounds very strange. Also with a history of violence one would think the court would have a few things to say about visitation behavior. Having a "special needs" child usually also modifys support a bit.

As you go through this remember that a child only needs one fully functioning parent and you need to be sure you are meeting that test. Breaking away from a controlling narcissist will require you to stand firmly on your own two feet which will feel risky and odd at first. Rember this guy has had you down so long it looks like up! Get professional help if it gets too difficult.

Because your ex accepts rage and violence as means of manipulation you should consider having one of your friends or a parent present any time you have to be in the same physical space. He won't like that but you will be safer.

I don't envy what you will go through in this situation but it will get better, much better! You had the courage to leave so I know you have the courage to deal with this. I wish you all the best and you can reach me at [e-mail] if you want to chat further (I'm in my 60s and happily married so this is a sincere offer).

Answer 2

Amphetamines? Hell no! Only the most irresponsible people do stuff like speed. I had the same issues with my ex and after years of trying to be understanding because the guy truly does love his son I realized I was also hurting my son. Children do not need to be around people with those kind of problems. And the older the kid gets the more he'll understand about his father. Kids are very impressionable, they need to be surrounded by good role models. My ex also claimed he'd never do anything around my son but that turned into to complete bs. He will step out when kids taking a nap, or watching tv. for the record I don't have a problem with anyone smoking pot, if pot is the only drug one does then I'd have full confidence in letting that person watch my kid as long as they didn't smoke while they were watching him. I've found pot smokers to be more relaxed and intellectual people(most of them anyway) and again I stress as long as all they do is smoke pot. Other drugs i find are dangerous and usually only people with emotional problems do them. I say this with experience, there are all types where I come from, the worst I find are the people addicted to perfectly legal prescription drugs, or speed and cocaine.

Answer 3

It looks like you are doing everything right but the thing that bothers you the most is how your husband turns his back on his children. Imagine that he is going to prison or overseas for a job - how would your children communicate with him then? It's not what he is doing (although that is pretty bad to begin with) but why he is doing it. He shows a lack of interest because that will spite you.
Time will march on and no matter how you both feel today, things will change. As long as you have an address for him, you should send him cards for his birthday and Christmas from yourself and the kids - as a vehicle for including current photos of them! If you are civil and attempt to keep the lines of communication open - just with photos, he is always free to show interest in them again, without losing face. It's not a battle although that's the way it looks right now.
You'll be meeting someone someday and there will be a stepdad, no doubt, in your children's lives.
You do have the support of your family which makes your children's lives so much better.
Time wounds all heels but your husband will go on and have other relationships and marry again. Let's hope it is a happy marriage because it will help mellow him out. Be glad you have left that bad marriage you had with him behind you.
Your daughter won't necessarily feel rejected by her father all her life - keep that in mind. You're wise to never speak badly about him. Kids need to know a lot of good things about the father who they know to be their biological dad.
I hope you get a lot of help with your son. I know someone who has an autistic child so I understand he requires so much care. With time, that need for care can lessen too; get help now from any social service agencies that offer it. I wish you good luck and I hope everything improves sooner rather than later. I know it will.

Answer 4

I'm sorry to hear off all your going through. The good thing is that your no longer in that abusive relationship which at the end would only harm your children. Be patient and have faith in God everything will turn out to be okay for you and your children. I know its hard know specially having an ill child but things happen for a reason and we need to be strong and face the situation. All this will help you become stronger for your own good and your children. Give those kids all the love that they have. I don't think you should talk bad about your husband to your kids. They will realize that on there own. Just let them know no matter what you will always be there for them. I hope everything goes well for you and your kids.

Answer 5

First of all, God bless you! Being a mother is the hardest and most rewarding "job" there is! Being a single mom is frightening and challenging beyond belief.
My answer to my children when they ask about their dad's lack of attention is " He loves you the best way he knows how. It is not the best way or the way you want. But it is his way."
Your children will feel rejected by their dad, and will survive. It is up to you to let them know that they are important and worthy human beings and he is only one person and not very good at giving support and praise.
Get over the vacations and the house. There is nothing you can do about them.
He can only make your life hell if you let him. I think you are the one that needs to detach from the past. You have a new life now, and infinite possibilites of where you will go from here. Do not give this man the power over your future, or your kids future.
He is not who you thought he was. Leave him in the past.Learn and go forward, one step at a time. But keep your attorney close by, and always refer any conversation not in your comfort range to him. You are allowed to hang up on him! If he says he does not want contact with the children, it is to hurt you. He is trying to hurt you through the kids. This will be his loss, even if he doesn't understand it.

Your local school district should be able to help you find programs for your son. And your daughter needs a strong and confident role model. Refuse contact with your ex unless it has to do with the welfare of your children. Move on, even if it is baby steps.

Believe in yourself and your ability to raise your awesome children!

Answer 6

It is correct your daughter even though she saw all this, should not be explained to that her daddy does not want to see her or whatever. If he moves across country and does not come around it may end up being a good thing. Your son does he get disability if not you should apply you can get help that way. My ex husband did the same thing to me beat the *hit out of me in front of my children. That was a very long time ago and I am not so sure they remember I did not want them to remember and only wanted to show them love. The jerk traveled took 13 years to get him to start paying child support. The best thing you can do for your daughter if she asks if he loves her is to tell her he loves her in his own way. And leave it at that. The guy sounds controlling and you leaving and getting ordered child support etc and him complaining about everything is his way of still trying to control you. I suggest that you stop talking to him except to find out what time he is picking up the kids, and what time he will come back. Don't fight about him moving or where he lives or where you live and how unfair it is. Because he knows it is unfair and he is controlling you that way, he wants to make you angry and when he has succeeded he is happy. Just try really hard not to say anything to him when he trys to goad you. Just ignore him( he will hate that) Tell the kids good bye when he picks them up for a visit and walk away. If he says I am moving say ok have a nice trip see ya next fall. Act like you do not care what he does. Focus on your life trying to make it as happy and loving for your children as you can. Your ex creating stress is not helping. It does not matter if you all had to stay in the same room as long as it is clean and you can cook and do wash you can live together with your children happily. YOUR house is what you make it not your ex he does not make your house. If your ex rejects his children it is not because of them. They will wonder why it is natural but assure them of your love and that you will be there for them. Their grandparents seem to be a great influence and use that influence to its best ability. Do not feel guilty for what your ex has done to you and made you have to do.

Answer 7

Your daughter is still too young to understand. It will just click with her one day, that she will never see him again. Until then you will have to answer her one heart-breaking question.... "when can i see daddy?" You will have to find a way to let her know that he moved far away, and isn't able to see her all the time any more. And if he is still seeing them now, maybe try to get him to tell her he is moving away. This way she will hear it from him, and it will be easier on her. As she gets older, she will understand more of what is going on, and it will be easier on her. Besides, with her being so close with grandpa, it won't be as hard on her as having no one.

I think you did the right thing, and keep that lawyer with you. You divorced your husband for a reason. And if you have a third party there to assist you, you won't be taken for granted again. All the best to you, and I hope you find peace and happiness in your new life.

Answer 8

Seems to me that he is still controlling your life. You have a lawyer so let him deal with your ex, and you deal with the most important thing and that is getting your life together and moving forward. Let him say what he wants, but listen to your lawyer and you will get what you need to help you and your family. The big question is do you really care if he moves out of town or state. Truthfully he is not someone that I would want around my kids even if he was the father. So let him go, it maybe hard but in the long run I think that you will come out the winner and he will get what is coming to him, they always do. Look into some programs for your son they are out there and they maybe able to help you. Good Luck.

Answer 9

If your ex husband wants to never see his children again, good for them! I grew up with an absent father and it did hurt, wondering why he didn't love me. But with this man, having him there would hurt worse. Don't talk to him unless you have to and have him go through the lawyer about absolutely EVERYTHING. Don't argue when he tells you things you know are lies. Don't ask for him to explain things or try and get him to see reason. He enjoys hurting you, as you know. And he knows that this is hurting you. Just tell the lawyers and have them go after him monetarily. Just stop giving him the opportunity to debase you, and deal with him as little as possible. Set the boundaries about how he will speak to you on the phone. A good way to do that is to tape all the conversations you have, for possible use later in court (first, tell him that you'll be taping them all from now on and if he wants to continue to call you names, goody for him. He'll freak out, but that's fine. Let him freak out. If he's saying something he doesn't want on tape, then he knows he shouldn't be saying it in the first place. Abuse is all about keeping it a secret. Take away the cloak of secrecy and most bullies become whining little boys again.)

Just take the power back from him, along with every dime you can. The children deserve to have as much security as they an, even if their father's soul isn't worth a nickel. And don't feel guilty or worried about the kids. They've got a strong, brave mother who did what she had to do to keep them safe. And that's all they need. :)

Good luck!

Answer 10

Hun, You don't have to enable his behavior nor do you have to talk bad about him. If he is giving you that much grief, start taping the phone calls and let him know you are taping the calls. Every time he calls you let him know the conversation is being recorded for your protection. Make sure you get the exact words on tape or the tapes will be no use to you. If you don't let him know you are recording it can also get you into trouble. When my x and I divorced I did the exact same thing. I also went through the abuse. It got to the point I had to go into hiding to get away from him safely. In the end he fought for his right to see his child and has become a better person. I always blamed myself. It was my fault. In the end I learned better. I did better for myself and my child. When he wasn't able to see his child weather it was his fault or not I always blamed the judge. The judge says this and the judge said that. It does not enable his negative behavior, and it keeps you from bad mouthing their father. When they are older they will see the same thing my son know see about his dad. Let them make the choice for themselves, by themselves. When the time is right they will know. You won't look bad and they will grow up healthier and happier for it. It won't damage their self-esteem and right now that is the most important thing.