My Husband Wants to have a...?

Question

child of his own with me (I have two child). He can't even be there for my kids, or help with them, or take any responsibility with them. I hate to say it but he's not even a good step-father. He is never really there for them. I know it would be different when it is his own, but still is who he is with children? Should I another child?

Answer 1

You need to have an honest conversation with him about the concerns you have. Mention that having 2 kids is a lot of work and he doesn't have time to spend with the ones you already have. Let him know that you would feel really stressed adding a 3rd child and taking care of all of them by yourself. Let him know that you need to see that he can/will/and desires to participate in the family you already have before you are willing to have more children. You should also let him know that it hurts YOU that he isn't involved with your children. They are now very much a part of his life and he can be a positive influence or a negative one...and you need to see that he will step up and be the positive influence.

I've been here and it's hard. Having a child of his own may spur him on into being a more active part of the family, but he needs to know that his behavior is hurtful and makes you resentful of him.

Good luck.

Answer 2

I don't think you should have another child unless you are completely happy with the idea. If you have any doubts, I wouldn't risk it. Have you tried telling your husband how you feel? That might be a bit hard. But surely he will understand. Just If he isn't very supportive of your own children... You may end up having to bring this one up on your own too. Even if he did care for this child.. would he treat the children equally? Would he treat this one more specialy? How old are your other children? It may affect them too if they are older... MAybe try organise outings with your husband and children and try spending more family days together so they bond a bit more? Hope this is a little bit of help =]

Answer 3

This is tough! I have some experience with step fathers... because I had one and my children unfortunately had one. Same situation as the one you are in.

My stepfather was crazy about his kids. Didn't care about me at all and he was a jerk. I despise the man to this day.

My kid's mother left me for this other guy who became her husband and their stepfather. Same situation. He wanted a kid of his own and he's a great father to that child but had been a crappy stepfather.

So, that's one side of it. I suppose that if you do have a child with the guy that he will likely step up to the plate and make a decent father for his own kid. But yur expectations of him ever acting like a father to your other children may be unrealistic. Don't get me wrong. I have heard of guys being great fathers to their step children.... just have never known one.

From his perspective, I suppose he's entitled to be a father and have his own child. And the fact that he isn't a great father to your two kids shouldn't reflect on his ability / desire to be a great dad to his own.

And, if you love the guy and want to stay married to him, should you really deny him the opportunity of fatherhood?

I guess the exception would be if you discussed this prior to marraige. He showed a desire to one day have a child of his own and you told him you weren't interested. But if he married you with the expection and understanding that you would give him a child of his own, you are somewhat obligated.

Of course, if you are thinking of leaving him then I'd say forget it.

Answer 4

Actually this sounds tough; but I wouldn't suggest it because if he is a less than satisfactory step father, there is no way he will become all of a sudden a good father (in the manner of what you discussed above)

Let's say you have another child and he is ecstatic, if he starts to treat his own child better than the other children, how would it make you feel?

Hope this helps

Answer 5

Talk to him about it show him this question sounds like he needs a wake up call your other two kids will feel left out that he is giving the other child more attention then them, and he may even get mad at the two if the make the new baby cry or tease the baby as the kids get older talk and tell him your feelings and say you need to see an improvement before you start having more kids- put your foot down for your two kids!

Answer 6

I think you just answered your own question. Deep down i think you already know that you shouldnt have another child as he has trouble being a good step father. He doesnt sound like a nice person. Why do are you even considering having a child with this person when he doesnt treat your kids right?

Answer 7

It is really up to you and your husband. I can honestly say that things will most likely be different when he has to care for a child that is his own. He will have different feelings for that child. The reason for not having a child with him shouldn't be because of the way that he treats your kids but a better reason not to have kids would be because it might cause a huge division in the family once he has one of his own and he really won't be there for your kids.

Answer 8

Please also evaluate:

Some stepfathers are not allowed to or afraid to discipline their step children. Especially if he became the stepfather when they are a litlte older, and especially if their father is alive/active in their lives.

Maybe talk with them not about what you want him to do for the kids but what he can do for you as your partner to help you with the kids. Sometimes in step families things are not so clear. If they live with you and he is providing for them in some way, that is a really good start. But he just may not be clear about his role.

There is a big difference even with me and my nephews. They were already alive and older when i came into my husband's life so I am not referred to as "aunt" (even though they are still kids, they are older kids). And telling them what the rules of our house is when they are over is a nightmare with their parents. I know when my brother and sister has kids it will be different. I will feel more a part of their family.

I know its not the same as step kids, etc, but it is possible that it would be really different when its his.

If the relationship between the two of you is good, that is whats important.

Answer 9

Cant really say , but if you choose to , bring it to his attention about the way he treat's your Children, his step Children....

Let him know when he chose to marry you with Children , he chose to be a father and that he is sucking very badly at it, and that you know they aren't his biological Children, so would it be any different with a child of his own with you ?
Would he show differences between the Children ?

I hope you come to an decision you are comfortable with and that things go well for you :)

Answer 10

If he was showing you good parenting of the kids already invovled in this relationship, then i would say yes. But, I have seen too many kids totally ignored by their step-parents who spend all their time and effort on their OWN child and leave the "others" out. Not fair and from the sound of it, he doesn't make good "father" material. I say NO.