My boyfriend is afraid that his porn addiction is hurting our relationship and has expressed that he wants to stop. He asked me to help him and I have no idea how to. He is 23 and I am 20. We have been together for 9 months and I am worried that if I can't help him that he will break up with me so that I don't have to see him in shame of his weakness. I Just need some advice on things I can do to help him. Please only answer this if you intend to be helpful. If I get any crude comments or stupid answers I will flag your answer. This is not a game I very seriously need good advice. Thank you for your help.
2007-05-02 07:17:03 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous in Health ➔ Men's Health
OK just to clear this up: My boyfriend is A Virgin. He refuses to have sex until he is married cause he doesn't want to cheapen it. I have not pressed the matter because even if we are not engaged formally we are in spirit and I feel that he and I will end up married. So sex is not the answer this I know.
2007-05-02 07:26:40 · update #1
To Charlie: I have already tried all of the conventional ways of taking his mind off of it. Nothing has worked. I need something to get into his mind or I'm going to fail at my task.
2007-05-02 07:28:47 · update #2
First of all, I applaud your boyfriend for standing by his convictions and not having sex before marriage. This man is the real thing, and honest enough to admit that despite strong convictions, he is struggling.
I myself also do not believe in sex before marriage, I am a virgin, and I have struggled for a long time with porn. An addiction to porn is incredibly hard to overcome -- I've been trying for years.
First, to turn around, he needs to be at a high point of motivation to do so. You wanting to help him may give him that motivation -- he doesn't want to lose you to this.
Second, he needs to stop masturbating. Now, 99.9% (literally) of guys masturbate -- but the truth is, it only increases your sexual frustration. You can never get enough. And as long as you are masturbating, sexual desires will be on your mind, and porn will be almost impossible to resist at times.
Now, your boyfriend must not keep himself from masturbating in the frame of mind of keeping the rules ('I can't do it because it's bad'). Eventually his desires will push past that. He must do it in light of vision -- that he loves you too much to ruin your relationship, that he wants to be pure for you, that he wants to be free of addiction, that he does not want to have to deal with the consequences that being addicted to porn will bring in the future. It is only a strong sense of vision like this that will carry him through -- along with your support, hopefully.
Finally, there will probably come a time or times when he gives in momentarily. He has to take this in stride -- it is not about maintaining a perfect record that goes back to zero as soon as you blow it; it is about working towards being pure.
His sex *drive* will go off the charts for a bit, but eventually wet dreams will give him some release. His sexual *frustration* will dissapear.
EDIT: And please don't try to 'push the boundaries' without having sex. That will only cause more sexual frustration, trust me.
EDIT2: Yes, and Maple has a good point about getting married. Although it does not address the root problem, it might make it easier to address, and would certainly provide motivation for him to do so -- wanting to remain pure for the promise of you. But that depends entirely on your situation, and only you and he can decide whether something like this is the best choice.
2007-05-02 07:53:32 · answer #1 · answered by Free Ranger 4 · 2⤊ 4⤋
You are not teens -- you are 20 and he is 23. You have been together for nine months. If you love each other, is there any reason you can't get married? Then you can have real sex. and the porn should not be interesting anymore.
You seem like two good people caught in a difficult situation that is unlikely to be satusfactorally resolved without marriage. Of course you should not get married if you or he have any doubts, but you must know each other pretty well after nine months together. If porn/sex is the only thing bad in the relationship, get married ASAP.
2007-05-02 08:46:13 · answer #2 · answered by Maple 7 · 3⤊ 0⤋
You boyfriend is a virgin that looks at porn yet does not want to have sex before marriage. I have to be honest with you, he has some serious issues. He is a walking contradiction. You want to be careful with him. Most people who want to remain a virgin does not constantly tempt themselves. That leads me to believe that he has other issues.
Plus, why would he break up with you because you can not get him to have sex with you or get him to stop watching porn? If that is even slightly possible you should run like hell.
There is nothing you can do to help this guy. The only thing that comes to mind is by taking it away. Take all of his movies and mgazines. Keep him away from the interenet. Take him out of the house all the time. That's all you can really do but I can tell you now, it won't work. He needs mental help and I mean TODAY!!!
2007-05-02 08:20:24 · answer #3 · answered by UPGRAYEDD 4 · 2⤊ 2⤋
its awesome that u wanna help him and ur not judgmental. Some men (or most of them actually) look for validation in a woman, because they probably didn't get that validation and affirmation from their fathers. This society has usually a wrong view of masculinity, and actually does not know how to initiate men into true manhood, so some men look to feel 'manly" through a sexual way.
Is a big help when men receive the affirmation they need in a healthy way.
Some resources that would be helpful for u guys are: Wild at Heart by John Elderedge, Iron John by Robert Bly, www.mkp.org, www.xxxchurch.com, www.no-porn.com
2007-05-02 09:44:27 · answer #4 · answered by bezaleel31 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Well I have a man who loves to look at them to and what I do to distract him is be creative in our sex life. I know you don't like the fact that he look at them but try it in a positive way next time study one and be like well I can do that and that looks good and that look like it feel good you know turn yourself into his very own and personal porn star and he would want that better than some girl on TV that he can't get to and eventually he'll stop not only because he want to but because what he get out of watching he now get in reality from you. I know it worked for me but he did'nt want to stop I wanted to stop him we even made our own.
2007-05-02 07:32:36 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
just use ur brains. He is emotionally blackmailing you. He means to have sex with you. You might have asked him some time to stop seeing porn or you do not like to see porn. He wants to have practical porn with you. Try to understand, if he breaks up with you for not having sex, better leave him. Such persons can never be good friends in life what to talk of a good life partner...
2007-05-02 07:29:40 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 2⤋
I respect that your boyfriend wants to wait to have sex. That is such a compliment to his future wife. ( which sounds like it might be you) I have been married for 6 years and I stuggle with porn also. I love my wife so much and I want to keep our sex life special and not cheapen it. So, I've been fighting this stuggle alot. I found a book that really helps. "Every Man's Battle" by Stephen Arterburn and Fred Stoeker. It has change my life and I'm loving my wife better because of it.
Hope that helps.....
Good luck supporting your man...
2007-05-02 07:40:42 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 2⤋
I knew someone that was addicted to porn. I just told him that everytime he was about to look at it think of his mom or look at a picture of his grandma. I'm being serious that it's really supposed to work because if you think about one of your family members then you will feel ashmed of doing it. And make sure you tell him that even though he is doing it you still loved him and will love him even though he can't stop.
2007-05-02 08:09:34 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 1⤋
Make your own porn, usually that would help stop watching porn....ive read this book, to stop watching porn....make fancy come true: like threesome, swinger, etc...
i was porn addiction too, my girlfriend came home with an another chick, did threesome....since that day, ive stopped watching porn...
2007-05-02 08:05:50 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 2⤋
First of all, Why does he want to quit? As long as hes not into Kiddie Porn, and watching it at home (with you) whats wrong with it? I enjoy watching Porn with my Man, it is stimulating for us both. Keep it at home, and share it only with each other...
2007-05-02 08:12:09 · answer #10 · answered by donna_honeycutt47 6 · 0⤊ 2⤋