Should I go to him or stay?

Question

I am married for 10yrs now. In the ten years he has only worked for 3 the rest of the time he is sleeping or out with friends. We lived overseas for the first 2 yrs of marriage then moved back to the states. He has been abusive both physically and emtionally to me but only when we lived on our own. we now live with my parents and they support us in everything. He is a different person around them but is still very abusive but not as much physically as he is emotianally. Now he is back overseas taking care of his sick mother and wants me to bring the kids and live there. He has given me the choice either to go and live there with him or stay in the states with my family and end everything between us. I know it's a difficult time for him because of his mothers condition and he has said that maybe if she sees the kids it will help ease her pain and suffering. I don't want to deprive her of that and I also don't want to go back to living the way things were before. any advise will help

He isn't abusive to the kids only me and I forgot to metntion his mother can't come here because of her health. She is also visually impaired.

Answer 1

I would stay in the states, You do not want your kids to see someone that is dying do you. I would stay here and divorce his butt.

Answer 2

It doesn't sound like there is truly a choice to be made. He made the choices for you when he chose to treat you poorly.

If he is willing to abuse you either physically or emotionally he will at some point turn that on to the kids.

I am sorry that his mother is ill and/or dying but an easy way for them to see her overseas and on good days is to tell your husband that yes you are done but to get a computer with a video camera so that when his mother is having a good day and is feeling up to is she can video conference with her grand-kids.

I realize that is not the same as being able to reach out and touch them but if she is in so much pain and is suffering so badly sometimes that is worse for children as their last memories of that loved one are miserable and of them dying.

Stay where you are, rebuild your life and keep him and his abusive ways away from you and your kids. Let him know that it will not be tolerated any longer and that if he wants visitation with the kids he will refrain from treating them poorly or laying guilt on them. If he can not abide by those rules then he can either have supervised visitation by a court appointed mediator or someone of your choice. Or he can relinquish all ties and be financial support only.

Answer 3

I think you should ask yourself what would be best for your children as they are the number one priority in your life and should be in your husband's life. He can behave himself but chooses not to when your family isn't around. So, that tells me he is abusive to you in front of your children which is also abusive to them. They look at you and Dad and are learning what relationships are like. Your son(s) will probably follow in your husband's foot steps and your daughter(s) will find abusive men to marry. Is that in the best interest of your children?

Another red flag - your husband is telling you if you don't come he is ending the marriage - once again he is trying to manipulate and control you with threats. Do you want your children to grow up and act just like you (the helpless victim) and dad (the abusive control freak)?

You can put a stop to this right now. You are at your parental home and have the support you need to get your life (and the kids' lives) on the right track. Make the best choice for your children - as soon as they were born they became a higher priority then your husband and they deserve better. It's time to love and respect yourself so that others will love and respect you as well.

Stand up for yourself. No one else will do it for you. Stop being the victim - it's your choice whether or not the abuse continues.

Answer 4

I think you should stay over here and end the relationship. I have worked for a domestic violence organization for the past 10 yrs. and can tell you it will only get worse. You deserve so much better than what you have received out of this relationship. By all means, if you want to take the children to go see their ill Grandma (and this is safe for you), do it, but come back home. Look in your local phone book for the domestic violence shelter in your area and give them a call. They will be a great source of support and can help you through the healing process. I hope this has helped. Let us know what you decide.

Answer 5

It seems that you're ready to end your relationship with your husband but you're also having guilty feelings about your mother-in-laws' condition. And it looks like you're husband is using that situation to have you go back to him . . . DONT GO BACK WITH HIM . . . it won't do your kids any good having an abusive parent around them.

Kids are very observant and they'd think that to be abusive to other people is normal. And I'm gonna guess that's not what you want for your kids. Let your kids see their grandmother and don't feel guilty for not wanting to be with an abusive parner.

Answer 6

You are well rid of the jerk!

You stay in the states and encourage him not to return. In fact, if he is in the USA on a K-1 Visa, and not yet a citizen, contact the State Department and get his visa canceled.

There are too many decent lonely guys here in the US to put up with an abusive lazy foreigner.

Answer 7

There is never a reason to be abused by your husband. unless you are 1000% sure that it is behind him, I say take the children and become a single mother. If he abused you once or more, chances are he will continue to do so!

Answer 8

Leave him -do you and your kids a favor and just cut him out of the picture, he is using his mother's health as a guilt thing to make you come over there so he can have control over you again.

Answer 9

Please leave him,

If he his abusive physically and emotionally, you need to do what is best for you and your kids. There are places you can go to talk about his abuse and how to move on and not feel attached to him. Please seek out this help, if not for yourself, for your children at least. No one deserves to be abused in ANY way.

Hang in there, it will be ok. Stay with your kids and do not bring them anywhere that you know they could possibly be harmed, or yourself either.

Answer 10

If he is abusing you in anyway then I wouldn't take my kids around him. They are learning that it's o.k. to treat people that way and that it's o.k. to be treated that way. Stay with your parents. Show your children that you can stand up for yourself. That no one has the right to treat you or anyone else that way and that you are not going to allow someone to be little you, hit you ,call you names etc. demand respect so your children will learn to demand respect. Besides you deserve to be loved and treated with love.