How to rebuild trust and start loving marriage brand new?

Question

My husband and I have been thru alot, but we love eachother. He is constantly being pulled in different directions mainly b/c his family begs him to leave me and I want him to stay. I believe he loves me so much, but we have been torn and broken. There has been much deception and cheating on both ends. I have been an angry wife and been mean to him, and in return my once loving husband has turned in to a selfish vendictive man. Why should we stay together, I know. But if two are willing to make it work, who is anyone to advocate our divorce? What I am asking is for suggestions on how things can be better. I am doing so much better with my anger, but he is resisting b/c he is used to the angry me. You the song Cater to you? Listen to the words. Thats the wife I want to be and so much more. But how can we rebuild trust and love and actually create a peacful loving home environment for us? I need to pick up the pieces but I am not sure as to how? He wants to stay and so do I but

we have to trust the other not to mess up and hurt the other. He is scared I will be the angry woman he is being pushed away by and I am scared he will be the vendictive man he has become. He is truely resisting the change the "new me" I know I cant control him, but what is my role in rebuilding my marriage what can I do to accomplish this. If it ends I want to be able to say atleast I did my part. Thanks

FYI: My question is not should I get a divorce and move on so if that is your comment, pls keep it. We want to work it out I am trying to do better. For any REAL women who have made their marriage work, or any husband's who can tell me the approach they would like to see from their wives if it were them, I'd appreciate your answers... If we divorce I could not honestly look at myself in the mirror and say I did my best job. So divorce is not an option here. Thank you.

Answer 1

A relationship is like a precious vase. When it has been broken, you can glue it back together, but whenever you look at it you will see the cracks of the past problems. The best thing that you both can do, is find out what makes each other feel loved. Do not assume you know, and it is most likely NOT what makes you feel loved. This is the main thing that everyone looks for in a relationship (that and good sex). If your partner feels loved, how quick are they to lose their temper at you? If they know what makes you feel loved and you make them feel loved, how will they respond? It becomes a positive feedback loop, and is the secret to a long and happy relationship.

Answer 2

You would first have to seek marital counseling together, and if at first he won't go, then just you go at first then maybe later he will see your committment. Also, you two would have to cut off communication with the family while you just took time to be together with no outside negative influences, and maybe after a while the two of you could confront the family to explain to them what you did was wrong, and what you are doing to fix it, and then sum it up by saying that they need to keep their opinions about it to themselves.

Personally though, a broken vow is a broken vow. My husband and I know that any form of violation of such is immediate divorce. I hope things improve for the two of you IF that is really what you both want. Also, don't dream about being that wife....start doing it RIGHT NOW. Look around you, see what can be done (housework? dinner? massage for him?) and log off the net and GO DO IT!! That is the only sure fire thing I can say that helps! Constantly be aware of this statement:"How would you live today, if it was the LAST day you had to live?" I hope this helps.

Answer 3

Years ago my husband and I had some of these issues. I felt like the wife of Pat Williams in the book, Rekindled : How to Keep the Warmth in Marriage. "I don't love you anymore" is what she said to him. He read a book by H. Norman Wright that encouraged him to BEST her. Bless, Esteem, Share, Touch -- EVERYDAY. He began to do that and she remained cold, but finally she fell back in love with him. So, everyday, Bless (tell others the good things about your husband), Esteem (tell him the good things about him that you admire, Share (listen to his dreams and tell him your dreams), Touch (a hand on the shoulder, fix his tie, put your hand next to his while you ride together in the car). Get the books Rekindled by Pat Williams and The Marriage Checkup: How Healthy Is Your Marriage Really by H. Norman Wright.
My pastor once told the congregation (and me during premarital counselling) a 50/50 marriage does not work. You only get a half of a marriage -- each partner has to give 100%. Always try to put more into your marriage than your partner does. My paster also gives these building blocks to a happy marriage -- #1 Build on the firm foundation of Jesus Christ, #2 Expect it to last (no use of the D word EVER! -- have no escape plan), #3 Serve, don't Demand, #4 Love & Respect --Men need to feel respected, women need to feel loved & secure, #5 Celebration (full intimate love)

Hope this helps. May God bless you both and provide healing and forgiveness. During my time of struggle with DH, I wrote a song and one line is "Will I ever trust again, will it ever be the same, who can mend our broken lives, heal the hurt and ease the strife?" The answer in my song is "In despair I cried to God, where's your comforting staff and rod? My sweet child, he said to me, I provide for all your needs. Yes, you will trust again, no it won't be the same. I will heal your broken lives, hear the hurt and ease the strife". May He do the same for you.

Answer 4

The best first step is being willing to fix it and make the changes needed. The thing you have to realize is that you can't just "start over". You can both recommit and try to work it out, but you can't take away the hurts of the past, only work through them. Time can heal all wounds if both parties are willing to let it. But it will take time, trust cannot be rebuilt in a day and it sounds to me like you two have a long road a head of you. That does not mean that it is impossible, just that you are both going to have to accept that it will take time and hard work. It doesn't help that his family is not supportive, but he needs to tell them to back off. Counseling is always a good idea. Good luck to you.

Answer 5

I agree with Marriage Counsling... However, you have to understand that he is scared to accept the new you, because he thinks at any minute, "that" woman will come back. You have to understand that it is going to take time for him to warm up to you, and trust that you have changed, and personally I think that you should have been a good loving wife in the first place. There isn't a reason to be angry all the time. If you have nothing, you still should wake up smiling, thanking God he let you leave to see another day. Good Luck, and understand that this won't just happen over night, it is going to take time, and the only reason his family is pulling on him is because they only want the best for him.

Answer 6

First of all - good on you for wanting to be a motivating, loving wife to your husband! Regardless of both your affairs there is still room to make it work - if you two can resolve to be changed people and start building your marriage on a solid foundation. Because there are affairs involved in the marriage i would really suggest counselling. Your marriage has survived the ultimate deception on both ends - and unless you speak to a professional on how to move on there is going to be a lot of anger, bitterness and resentment. It's also going to take a long time for you both to regain trust in your marriage. I realize that you are gung ho and can't wait to be an amazing wife - but it's going to take time. He may reject all your efforts for a while - and that'll hurt but if your goal is truly to serve him and be a good wife to HIM then you can’t get discouraged. Whatever route you take I just really encourage you to get counselling. Good luck and don’t listen to other people on the boards. If you have decided to make it work then good for you for not giving up so quickly. People get divorced far too quick these days.

Good luck!

Answer 7

You already are doing what you need to do. You are trying to make a change in your life and you both want to stay together. Work together on those changes and work together to find a way of living that works for both of you. There may be trust issues and there may be very difficult issues, but if you guys really do love each other and you both want to make it work, in the end, you push through all those things and find a way to deal.

What is he resisiting? If he's resisting making things work, maybe it isn't both of you wanting to stay together? Bottom line is that you guys need to work on getting the deception and lying out of your relationship, work on the open, honest communication and work on building your marriage.

Good luck.

Answer 8

Better to stay separated for a certain time and look for marriage counseling.After that,you could talk in front of a counselor;you will see the difference and you could decide what to do afterwards.

Good luck

Answer 9

i would go to counsling, and since his family doesn't want you together while the two of you are trying to make things better/new then you need to cut ties with them during that time and if you want to start new then start dating again while going to counsling...my husband and i had trouble and even seperated for a while and counsling helped greatly and we started dating again and it has been wonderful all together we have been married for 7 years but the seperation was 3 years ago....we also don't have anything to do with his mother since she caused alot of are problems and without her that elimanated alot of are problems not all but it helped....

Answer 10

Only God can truly change our hearts. If you can afford to go to a Christian marriage counselor together - it'd be worth the price! Keep being as loving as possible - time can heal.