No one saw the bent back, tired eyes
or heard the sigh of lifes goodbye;
Look straight ahead, eyes cast down
no need to see, no cause to frown.
That river of blod that colours the street?
it is not there where shoulders meet,
Lift up your eyes, just look ahead, don't get involved, the dead are dead.
Lifes facade has closed your mind,
walk past, walk on, don't look behind,
the blind wont see, the deaf wont hear, the crippled man knows no fear,
Was life to short to stop and care?
I didn't see I wasn't there.
2007-05-01 15:28:09 · 16 answers · asked by stafford7176 2 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Books & Authors
wow this is amazing
keep it up
it gives me a real picture in my mind and
its way deep
gets me to thinking.
keep going post more
2007-05-01 15:32:10 · answer #1 · answered by cg 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's pretty good! Consider checking spelling and the placement of commas, and putting capitals at the beginning of sentences. What does the poem really mean to you? Does it have a specific meaning? Are you trying to get across a certain feel to your reader? Maybe you could try putting in more sensory phrases, like smell and sound, I find that helps me a lot. I like it, keep going.
P.S. Have you ever tried writing in a classic form? For example, Shakespearean or Italian? They're great for practice. Shakespeare wrote over a hundred sonnets in the same form, and they are still known today!
2007-05-01 15:53:40 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
This is a really gorgeous poem. I like it a lot. It's profound, but not too heavy and overdone like a lot of poetry can be. Be careful with some of the spelling and punctuation though. You misspelled blood and forgot a few apostrophes. Punctuation is one of the trickiest parts of poetry, but you generally did a good job in that aspect. But all that's besides the point, which is that you have a great talent. Continue writing! I look forward to seeing you in print one day!
2007-05-02 10:10:43 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
It speaks to me of sadness at a community's casual attitude toward violence. But also an acceptance and understanding of that attitude. Do you share that point of view? I don't understand the line "the blind won't see, the deaf won't hear, the crippled man knows no fear." It feels trite and off the mark to me...depending on what you want the reader to feel. Otherwise it's really powerful.
2007-05-01 15:54:27 · answer #4 · answered by bookish 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Of all the poems I have read and critiqued here at YA, this is the finest piece of poetry I have read. Kudos to you - this is a perfect TEN plus. The only thing you are missing is an apostrophe in life's in line 2. This is just beautiful. Promise me you wont send this to poetry.com. Pax - C.
2007-05-01 15:49:13 · answer #5 · answered by Persiphone_Hellecat 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Lor, you actually know what rhythm is. Your iambic tetrameter is normally used for satiric purposes (see Sam Butler the First), but here you carry it off seriously. Find a teacher you like and who will encourage you, because you have real talent. Applause.
2007-05-01 21:06:14 · answer #6 · answered by obelix 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I liked it .It to me relates to a lot of peoples view on life today where they walk through life and see nothing that they dont want to see and wont help . they walk through life with blinders on. good job.
2007-05-01 15:48:19 · answer #7 · answered by deirdre s 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
WOW.......That was way deep. If you really wrote that you should be trying to get copyrights and publish your writing. Very good stuff!!
2007-05-01 15:54:09 · answer #8 · answered by sweetheart 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
10/10
it is great! I really liked it, it's the kind of poetry I love... keep it up!
2007-05-01 15:36:38 · answer #9 · answered by andrea 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
why do you question,a street blood ?A ketchup just beside.Wright your signature of heart.
2007-05-02 10:00:04 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋