My ex-husband is living in a 1 bedroom apartment. He has a roommate for a few months. His roommate is married and his wife comes to visit him every few months.
He was talking to me yesterday about his roommate and his wife fight and make up and generally try to have a good time together. They have been married for 4 years.
He gives them advice on how not to break up their marriage and be friends for life.
He makes comments about how I never showed him how much I cared for him and really accepted him as my husband.
It makes me feel sad that our marriage broke up. Then, I think about the abuse - both emotional and physical and remember why I left.
I know that I should not be talking to him. I just get physically and emotionally sick after I do because he makes me feel bad and guilty.
I am envious of other couples who are able to make it work though. I must have been flawed in some way...
2007-05-01 15:27:11 · 15 answers · asked by Stareyes 5 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
NO! You are NOT flawed in any way, shape or form!!! That's him talking in your head again! That's part of the mental abuse he did to you...a friend of mine put it this way, "he basically "raped" you of all your emotions, he raped you mentally and raped you physically"! If you look at it that way, you'll definitely stop talking to him. He's beneath you. Please, take the words of wisdom you've received from everyone here, we understand since several of us have experienced what you've gone through. It's natural to be sad. You may be thinking this way because, deep down inside you know he'll never be able to enjoy life. There is a war constantly going on in his head. You on the other hand will have a great life, or what you make of it. Best of Luck to You! Been there...I know it sucks.
2007-05-01 16:23:46 · answer #1 · answered by Pixie48 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
No you're not flawed. We all make mistakes, especially when we are under 30! We do get wiser with age. I don't think anyone should get married until they are in their thirties! I know that seems old, but we do change as we age!
Also, it is possible that you have an eye for the wrong kind of men. The abuser types. Many younger women start out like this. It is often caused by a bad home life..the father is often mean, etc.
To break the pattern, you need to find your next guy at a different kind of place. Don't meet guys in bars or parties, for instance. I know this sounds boring, but go to classes, night school, or something like this. You will meet people who are trying to improve themselves.
Look for guys who are kind, don't rush you into sex, someone who likes children, pets... also, a guy who loves his mom and dad. This means he has come from a good home, usually. He will be a nicer more caring and reasonable person!
You should NEVER put up with someone who calls you names or hits you...NEVER. Think more of yourself than this!!
My husband would never hit me or call me a name! I would just die! Don't allow this ugly behavior!
I met my guy in an 'educational' setting. He was working on bettering his life getting a higher education.
Don't settle for less! If you're lonely...go out with girlfriends...learn a skill...get busy to change your life.
2007-05-01 15:41:10 · answer #2 · answered by Eve 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
It takes two people to make a relationship and two people to break it. Good for you for not being with an abusive partner.
Get a therapist to talk to, and maybe someday soon you will be able to cut off all contact with this man. Sounds like you have some lingering feelings...but it's good you remember why you guys are apart...
2007-05-01 15:31:45 · answer #3 · answered by tortasinqueso 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
A failed marriage doesn't make you a failure!
We all learn from our mistakes, and I believe that everything happens for a reason.
I commend you for leaving your abusive husband, it just isn't a good situation to be in, bad for your self-esteem, bad for your health and overall well being.
Maybe you question yourself, what could you have done better, and then you speak to your ex, and he also think these things.
Don't dwell on the past, learn from those mistakes, move on, and you will be a better person for it.
When the time comes, you will move on and see that your past relationship was a stepping stone to your new one...
Other couples who make it work, work to keep it that way...some harder than others, but its always work.
Take it all in stride and keep your chin up...
2007-05-01 15:33:48 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Beyond infidelity, it takes two to make a marriage work. Both people have to put forth the same effort. It seems as though he's not accepting his responsibility for the failure of your marriage.
Don't linger on his words, just take what you learned and apply it to the next relationship. And don't let him make you feel like crap either!
2007-05-01 15:31:09 · answer #5 · answered by Royalhinney 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Your ex is living in a one-bedroom apartment with a "roommate" whose wife only comes every few months? Honestly, I think something else is going on there.......
...but regardless, the only reason you keep talking to him is b/c you want to prove to yourself that you're not flawed. But it sounds like it's really and truly OVER, so you're never going to get that closure because HE is using YOU to prove to himself that he was okay to treat you the way he did! No one can turn you into a doormat unless you let them.
2007-05-01 15:33:43 · answer #6 · answered by ♫ Sweet Honesty ♫ 5 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Just because you marriage did not work does NOT mean you are flawed. You say he makes you feel real bad. well hunny that's a sign that there is something wrong with HIM. You do not deserve that. please do not beat yourself up over it. You are better off without him and i promise you dear that there is a man out there who will love you and treat you with the respect you deserve. do not settle for any less.
2007-05-01 15:31:51 · answer #7 · answered by carriec 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
you are not flawed!!
What does he mean you should not have shown him how much you cared? Of course you have to.
you did the right thing, men have a great way of twising things and making you feel messed up.
2007-05-01 15:33:37 · answer #8 · answered by Sophia R 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
And he was flawed too....takes two to tango....don't lay all the blame on yourself..geez. Stop talking to him if he makes you feel like this.
2007-05-01 15:33:07 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
i doubt that you are flawed. if you were abused as you say, then that is the affect of the abuse. you should stay away from that, nothing good will come of it
2007-05-01 15:31:55 · answer #10 · answered by *never give up* 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋