this is my 1st marrage and would like to have a child.This will be my bfs 2nd marrage and he has a young(8 yrs) child with his exwife that was planned NOT a "opps".Now he loves his son to death and wants him with us all the time so i thought he would love to have anouther child with me.Whenever i would hint around he would avoid the subject finally he can right out and said he does not want anouther child and if this was going to be a deal breaker for me to let him know now.How can a man love one child from his 1st marrage so much but will not even talk about having anouther?
2007-05-01 12:16:25 · 18 answers · asked by lindamoore67980 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
You have a great man. He is being honest with you, he loves his son, he is a great father and he isn't playing any games with you.
You need to totally believe him about this. HE WILL NOT CHANGE HIS MIND!! If you really need to have children then this is not the man for you.
I am sorry that you did not come right out and ask him 3.5 years ago whether or not he wanted kids. That is what we are supposed to do when we are dating exclusively, ask all the tough questions. And, "do you want more kids?" is a tough one that has to be discussed many times..
So, you have two choices... stay or go. You will not change his mind. If you trick him, eventually this marriage will die.
I'm sorry... Good Luck
2007-05-01 12:24:13 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
The responsibilities he didn't expect are greater than he can handle at the moment. Also it's emotional blackmail for him, because he loves the boy and wants to keep him, but he can't. It's also hurting him financially if he is paying support to the first ex-wife.
It's expected that he would love his son, but planned or not, he's looking at raising the child with his ex for another 10 years, and by then he might be too tired to want to go though it all again, until the grand kids start showing up. Some men would like to keep all their eggs in the same basket.
Of course this is all my opinion on your unique situation, but if he doesn't want kids at this time, and you do, pay attention to what he is telling you. He's already been down that road and he's through.
Throw that fish back into the ocean, if you know you want a real marriage: husband, kids and everything. You have the final say. He's only suggesting a life with him and part-time son (that comes with ex attached)
2007-05-01 12:44:43 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
My question is, how can you be with a man for 4 years and not know if he wants to have more kids or not? Were you blind this whole time, or was he stringing you along? If you want to have kids - leave now; don't waste a minute longer. It doesn't matter how much he loves the son he already has; what matters is whether or not he want to have more children (with you). He doesn't. There is no compromise. If you are not prepared to give up having children - leave and don't look back. Next time, initiate this conversation early on in a relationship, and listen carefully. If a man is not keen on talking about kids - it's a red flag. You know what they say happens when you "assume", and with your b/f you made a real a** out of both of you. Please don't let it happen again.
2007-05-01 13:05:04 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Children are very life changing, and you would not be able to enjoy as much freedom and money. I always wanted kids, and I have 2 teenagers now, I wouldnt give it up, I love them more than anything, but I can see why it is that some people never have kids. There are some very hard times....if you think you will resent him for not letting you have a baby, DONT marry him. But, if you think you could be ok never having kids for sure, go for it. Remember, you will be able to live wherever you want without having to worry about the d__mn school districts, even if you wanted to try to live abroad! You wouldnt have to pay a bazillion dollars in real estate taxes just to make sure your kids got a good education. You wont have to borrow $100,000 for college. You could spend all the extra money on travelling....you could always meet your husband after work for dinner without ever having to worry about who will watch the kids, or who will get the kids to the 5 million lacross, baseball, dance and football games and practices. You could decide to go away on Friday afternoon at 5 pm...without worrying...! There are a lot of perks about no kids. But again, if you think you definitely want them, dont marry him, you will only have fights!
2007-05-01 12:26:18 · answer #4 · answered by mbz2828 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You have to appreciate his honesty, now let's deal with the fact of whether you can accept the fact of how he feels. You have a very important decision to make. Stay with the love of your life and sacrifice having children or move on and find someone with your same interests in mind. It probably doesn't even have anything to do with you, may he just made a decision in his life not to have anymore children. You have to look at it from his standpoint, him and his first wife divorced and are no longer together, maybe this plays a factor in not wanting to have anymore children. What ever the reason can you live with it. Maybe you should ask him his reasons to clarify and maybe that will make you feel better in knowing the truth.
2007-05-01 12:42:18 · answer #5 · answered by stepintostep 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He should have told you he didn't want any more children when he met you! That is a deal breaker in my opinion because he wasn't totally honest with you from the beginning. You have a choice to make. How can he love his child but not want anymore? That's easy. He just doesn't want any more children to feed, house, provide a college education for, etc. More isn't always better and he knows his limits. You have to honor his limits and decide if you want him, or if you want your own children in the future. You can't have both. I just told this to someone else here....the world is already overpopulated and full of unwanted children. Having your 'own' children is a bit of an ego ride. You can always honor your nurturing instincts by borrowing other people's babies and kids. Everyone needs a babysitter now and then.
2007-05-01 12:28:58 · answer #6 · answered by StrawberryShortcake 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Being a good parent mean putting limits on things. He put a limit of only having one child. Now he doesn't have to deal with worrying about having enough money/food/shelter for everyone. What about a college fund for the future. Having more children than you can afford is wrong in my opinion. By choosing to only have one child he is increasing the likelihood to doing right by the kid.
2007-05-01 12:30:28 · answer #7 · answered by snack_daddy10 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I have no idea.....He's got one, that was an accident....for whatever the reason he's stonewalling....You need to talk to littleblond1. Her guy is giving her the same business......no kids or else seeya....listen I'm going to suggest to you what I told her which is never give in to ultimatums, they only lead to miserable bitterness later on.....if you want a child, great, I love mine, wish I could have more, i'd suggest them to anybody b/c they're a gift from the Lord....I really can't tell you to break up w/ someone..I can only tell you that I, personally love children and would recommend them to anybody....
2007-05-01 13:10:24 · answer #8 · answered by prouddaddy 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It doesn't matter what his reasons are. Consider yourself educated. He's let you know where he stands...put his cards out on the table. Don't think you can change his mind later. If you really want children, this is not the man for you. Don't marry him, then regret it later when your "mommy instincts" kick in and you want to reproduce. You'll only be fooling yourself if you don't take this seriously. It's a red flag, Honey, and it's bigger than Texas. Don't disregard it.
2007-05-01 12:23:41 · answer #9 · answered by a_lot_smarter_now 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
If having children is important for you then you should not marry this man. He is being honest to you, so you should be honest with yourself. The choice NOT to have children should be with BOTH of you. Not only him, and he shouldn't give you an ultimatum. If you know you would like to have children then you should find a man who also wants to start a family. It is hard, but you only have one life and you need make it the best and happiest.
2007-05-01 13:00:36 · answer #10 · answered by eag_chitown 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋