How do I get my husband to listen to my concerns in our marriage without him getting so defensive?

Question

My husband & I are definitly going through a push/pull in our relationship. I know that I can only control/change me in this relationship, but I have some legitamate issues with his communication style & some old baggage from his previous 12 yr marriage that I feel has nothing to do with me. I try very hard and choose my words carefully but as soon as he hears "when you do X it hurts my feelings" he immediatly hears " You! You! You!" & says "why don't you worry about yourself" or he says "oh, you're such a one way-you think the rules apply to everyone else but you". I went into the spare bedroom where he chose to sleep after a fight & I didn't knock. He immediatly told me how rude I was b/c I knew he was trying to sleep and I was only thinking of myself. After pleading to him lets not go to bed this way he said if I didn't leave he'd physically remove me". (He's not phys. abusive). After I left, he lodged a chair against the door. I now disengage to avoid fights but never feel heard.

Answer 1

There's a lot of good stuff in the answers you've already received. Check out John Gottman website for communication styles that help/hurt relationships (he identifies the "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse" that ruin marriages: criticizing, defensiveness, stonewalling, and contempt). Also "Saying What's Real" by Susan Campbell.

But mostly, I just want to commend you for trying so hard. I was a milder form of your husband, and my wife could not get through to me. She gave up and found companionship elsewhere for a long time. (I didn't know.) It was only when that relationship ended and she went into a state of depression that I found out how badly our relationship had deteriorated. I am learning to listen and change my behavior in order to try to reestablish that which was lost. I never stopped loving her -- I was just not good at showing it, and we were both inept in our communication.

So please don't give up! Tell him you love him, but that your love and your marriage is in jeopardy because you both need to learn a better way to express yourselves in disagreements. Ask him to read Gottman or the Campbell book. And ask him to go to therapy to give you both a safe place to practice new skills. God bless you.

Answer 2

From the sound of your question you already understand the rules. :) Its the big letter "I" and the little letter "u" presiding. LOL So, lets just cut to the chase. Are you choosing your battles? Maybe, he isn't so much telling you as he is trying to get you to understand "why" he feels the way he does. Hear him totally out. Totally! Sometimes the most valuable piece of info we are given is in the summary of the other persons conversation. Listen! Then ask him to "listen" while you voice your concerns or objections. Communication is sooo important. But its not just about the talking, and the listening. It does not stop there. Then we need to understand how this affects and makes everyone feel. We should never deny anyone their feelings. And that is where so many problems begin. When it gets heated, allow a cool off time. But continue to try to intervene sleeping apart all night. :)

Answer 3

This sounds like your husband may have be selfish and stubborn. Most stubborn people do not like to be told what they are doing. They go into an attack. Especially your husband. I think maybe there are some childhood issues for this to. Most people that are like that have had a problem with aut hority. It could be a serious problem and really damage your relationship. If you cant even talk to him than maybe you should try to write a letter. Sometimes the voice aggravates people which is very rare. If that doesnt work, i recommed getting couseling before ending your realtionship. I do t hink this is hurting your feelings. Esepcially since he is your husband and out of all people he should have an open ear. Good luck.

Answer 4

You are not going to change him and his reactions to what you are saying...therefore, I suggest you change the way you are saying it. Think about it...all people get defensive if they feel they are being attacked...and it may well be that your "talks" are actually percieved as attacks. No matter, there is a pattern here, and it will take some time to undo what has been done. I suggest a therapist for you two, perhaps apart at first, then together...you need to learn how to communicate with eachother. Men do not communicate as women do. You need to learn how to communicate as a man, and he need to learn how to communicate as a woman. This is the only way you two will achieve true understanding in the long run. Good luck

Answer 5

Get her some information from your state. She has to have a safe house number at her disposal. All you can do is give her the information for now because she has not asked for help yet. If your are going to take on the responsibility, then you call the number or a counselor so that information is available for her. The counselor might tell you what to do in order to develop a safety plan for her. If she does and you are willing to take on this feat, then your friend must have a means to get out of the house fast. The plan has to be put in place. If you don't know who to call, google for a domestic violence treatment center online. The white pages will also give you a number that is in your city. I am praying that it will all work out.

Answer 6

I have two little pieces of advice.
1: When you use a phrase that says "when you do X...", you really are communicating the you, you, you, even though it is not how you want him to interpret it. One of the classic communications "rules" of psychology is using "I" statments. So it would sound more like, "I feel hurt/frustrated, when you (x). This puts it on you, as they are your feelings. This is a good place to begin, although it often isn't enough with my own husband.
There are a couple books that I HIGHLY reccomend to you!
One is: "if he only knew" by Gary Smalley, which is for men in regards to helping them understand their wives. It is GREAT and was a reccomendation to me from a counselor I was seeing. If your husband was willing to read it- a small book- it could bring a lot of insight into the areas of conflict in your marriage. The same goes for "the five love languages" by gary chapman. GREAT BOOK!!! It would be appropriate for you both. It explains how we all have different ways of expressing our love to each other. If we don't speak the same love language, we may not recognize our partner's love or be able to express it to him/her the way they need it. ALSO, "For Women Only" by Shaunti Feldhahn. A good insight into men and how they are different than us. Good Luck!

Answer 7

I was in a very similar situation, only my marriage ended so...you have to tell him as plainly as you can that even though you love him, you can not be in a marriage where you can not express your concerns without him actually listening to them. It may be that you are simply misunderstanding what he really meant or vice versa, but you have to talk to fix things...Say these things when there are no immediate problems or while you two are taking a walk and you can hold his hand while you say it, anything but at home, especially in the heat of an argument. When things get out of hand tell him that you are getting too emotional to continue and ask him for time to calm down so you can speak calmly (say it this way even if he is the one going off)... I learned this AFTER my 16 year marriage ended, go figure.

Answer 8

Marriage is overrated in the first place. If you weren't married to him what would you do? He probably wouldn't treat you like you've stated if you were just living together, and you probably wouldn't be whining to him like you do if you weren't married.

Going to a marriage counselor? Yeah, that's a good idea considering most of them are divorced. Counseling has to be one of the all time scams of the new millenium. Self imposed experts with college degrees from some online diploma mill.

Here's some advice. DON'T TALK to him for a few days or weeks, he'll eventually get off the rag and come around. Men today act like women, gee I wonder why? For 30 years we've been told to find our "feminine" side, and when men act like women want, then women bytch.

I've found that when my wife starts nagging, or starts a fight, I just "out anger" her. I'm usually never mad, but it works EVERY time. She gets over being pissed at me really quick. If I have approached her in an apologetic manner she usually starts right back in on me instead of just saying "I accept your apology and I'm over it". Despite what Dr. Phil and Oprah say, women aren't quite the angels they are made out to be.

Answer 9

this won't resolve anything w/ your hub directly but it might help you clarify what the problems are and what you want and need to change and why...

write him a letter about how you feel and all the issues you think you are both having individually and as a couple - but keep it to yourself( initially at least).
put it away for a few days - if you can wait. Get some distance from that exercise.
then re-read the letter, and write yourself a letter as though your husband was writing one to you, trying to respond to your letter to him the way you'd like him to respond.
you might try this imaginary letter writing exercise with his ex-wife too. destroy the letters after, or let your most trusted friend/relative , or ideally a therapist, read them and give you feedback.

sometimes couples need time apart to strengthen their commitment to be together, as a couple.

don't take offence , but you could get him a cheap hearing aid- then again, don't

Answer 10

Wow, this is a hard one - interestingly enough I understand. My husband puts the blame on me for everything I bring up as a concern, including his cheating... I am a talker and needing to talk is part of who I am, however I get a similar response, except he storms off in a car or on foot, he says he needs space to cool down. My problem is he NEVER wants to talk and it sounds like that is your problem too. I have found that we communicate better when we talk online (which seems stupid) but I am gone 3 nights out of the week... My husband had a 8 year relationship before me and it causes a lot of problems in our house hold, luckily no children but, he has issues that he hasn't faced and currently won't face. I have found that they are not going to do anything until they want to and they are ready.

Right now I am struggling because I just want to talk out our issues and when things go wrong I want to talk some more, he doesn't want to talk.. he has gone as far as to change his cell phone number so I can't call him. It has gotten really strange but all I can tell you is you can't make him accept what you want to say, he has to want to. Counseling or mediation helps for some although I haven't found one that works for us. My husband will go once, claim I am blaming everything on him and won't go back, it is a hard battle - try venting to someone else, a friend or family member - I use a journal right now. I write letters to him, I write things to myself, all to push myself to get things out I need to get out without making the situation escalate into something it doesn't need to be ... Sorry I couldn't be more help but if you need to have that sound board I am here!