After 20 years of marriage my wife had a one night affair. She was forced to tell me because she thought she had given me an STD. (As it turned out, this was not the case) She then told me that she was drinking to much left herself alone with this person & the sex was almost a rape scenario. She was willing to discuss it and I was wanting to understand.
After several months she said she couldn't lie to me anymore. She said she did have far to much to drink but was in control of the situation and willingly went home and slept with him. She stated that "it was the worst night of my life" but has refused to discuss it since.
She has since quit drinking, discovered the church and has treated me like she hasn't in years. During the "he took advantage of someone to drunk to stop him" story, I discovered who the person was. He is a friend of a very close friend of hers.
I can see this person without him knowing who I am. For some reason this seems important to me. Should I??
2007-05-01 08:32:52 · 48 answers · asked by unsure 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I am so so so sorry. I don't know what to tell you about whether you should see this guy or not. I can tell you from experience that it is hard to know who the person is. My husband had a 4.5 year affair with someone who was supposed to have been a friend of mine. At least at first she was. Knowing what the person looks like will allow you to put a real face on the person you torture in your dreams as you work through your grief and work through forgiving your wife.
My advice to you:
1. Go to the dentist and have him make a mouth guard for you because you will wear your teeth out when you grind them in your sleep. (Found this out through personal experience)
2. Either buy or borrow from the Library the book, "After the Affair," by Dr. Janis Abrams Spring BEFORE you do anything about seeing the "other man." I felt like I was losing my mind...literally...until I read this book. It helped me understand a bit about what was happening to me. The book is written in a non-judgmental way for both the cheater and the cheated. Some chapters were difficult to read because I was being forced to work through grief but it was really worth the effort.
3. Understand that it can take up to 5 years to work through the breach of trust and the grief that is the result. I highly recommend that you two BOTH go to marriage counseling.
My husband and I are still together. Sometimes I wonder how we made it through everything alive. Our lives are different, but we are growing closer every day.
Good luck to you both!
2007-05-01 08:50:20 · answer #1 · answered by K. F 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I don't think you will be accomplishing anything positive from meeting the "other" man. It is natural to want to confront the persons involved in hurting you, which is why you want to see him. However, I think this is counterproductive because if you and your wife are trying to move forward from this bump in the road, it is best to let it go and try to fully forgive your wife. Alcohol or not she consented to going home with him and broken the 20yr bonds of trust, this is the REAL problem. You want to see him so you have a person to put the blame on. I suggest, you talk to your wife about why it happen? You are seeking answers from the wrong person (the other man)? Happy couples don't cheat after 20yrs of marriage, she obvious felt something was missing, talk about it. Once you have pointed it out then take the steps necessary to prevent it from happening again. Finally, consciencely think about all the positive aspects of your relationship and this will help you move forward from this traumatic event.
2007-05-01 08:56:35 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Determine what that reason is before you go out on your "mission." It may not be the healthiest move for you or your marriage at this point. I would imagine the curiousity is great as women are also very curious of what that person had that caused their husband to stray. I also know that seeing the other person doesn't help them with their pain or understanding - I just don't think it is possible.
It sounds like you have chosen to forgive her and that she is truly remorseful for what she has done. If that is the case, close the door on this and let it go. There isn't anything about seeing this guy that will benefit you or your marriage in my mind. But again, what is your motivation behind it? Be honest with yourself - only you will know what you are really thinking.
2007-05-01 08:40:27 · answer #3 · answered by Stefka 5 · 0⤊ 1⤋
No! What will become of it? It will just cause more problems than it is worth. Your wife put herself in a vulnerable position with this man with drinking to much and now she has stopped. She realizes what it done to her and doing the best she can to change it. I realize that this is important to you but what could you say to him that would change it? You could if you just have to but he may just lie to cover for himself and blame it all on your wife. Then you will be even more upset. Maybe the both of you could talk to someone at the church you could both talk to that could help you with this situation? Maybe try that and see what kind of advice they can give you. I would make sure that all contact with this other person be avoided and that you never have to look at him again. Even the friends that are connected with him for the marriage to be focused on. Good Luck.
2007-05-01 08:57:27 · answer #4 · answered by Lindsey 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I guess you could if you feel it is important, for it will probably bug you until you finally see who it is, just keep in mind he is probably not going to be what you are expecting.
I hope that the two of you (you and your wife) have gone to some counseling to help iron this entire situation out, just because she has discovered church doesn't mean you or her have dealt with the real issue, unless it was completely from being intoxicated. And if that's the case, then that's another issue altogether.
If you think you want to see who it was that your wife agreed to do this with, then do it, just don't be surprised by what you see.
2007-05-01 08:39:41 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
I can certainly understand your wanting to see him, however it will only feed that horrible knawing feeling this whole thing has given you. There is a temptation to feed that monster, but if you value your marriage you'd be better off doing the best you can to do things that work for positive change in your relationship and do whatever you have to do to damp down the urge to rehash and stoke the fire of hurt and jealousy. This will be a long bumpy process, but if she's working on it with you that would give you the best chance for healing. Good luck.
2007-05-01 08:42:11 · answer #6 · answered by artgal1285 4 · 0⤊ 1⤋
If it is an obsession that can be satisfied with simply seeing him and nothing more you should do it. Consider the consequences of the action you are thinking of taking. Will it have a positive effect on your marriage? If the answer is no then leave it alone. You seem to be heading in the right direction with your marriage now do not anything that will steer that in the wrong direction.
2007-05-01 08:38:32 · answer #7 · answered by Mike E 4 · 1⤊ 1⤋
This is eating you up inside, isn't it?
You can do one of a few things.
Either divorce your wife for being unfaithful to you...
Forgive her for being unfaithful to you...
Thats the only two options.
This other person just took advantage of a situation and your Wife and He had a "good time", and that was it. Now, if the
"good time" is still continueing, then its either time to stop it, or deal with the divorce issue.
Obviously its eating up your Wife inside, and I think you both should seriously consider councelling as a way of dealing with this. In fact, I would "insist" on it, or this is just going to tear you both up enough so that you will both want a divorce sooner or later.
I wish you well...
Jesse
2007-05-01 08:42:03 · answer #8 · answered by x 7 · 0⤊ 1⤋
I certainly feel for you. Has this incident been long ago?
WE all make mistakes at one time or another and we're all human. Give your wife the benefit. If you feel she is truly sorry then maybe she is. Sometimes things happen for a reason and maybe with this, it will strengthen your relationship. And maybe it has. You said she is treating you like she hasn't in years.
When it comes to the other man, sometimes its best to let sleeping dogs lie. Use this to push forward and to better yourselves as husband and wife. Good luck!
2007-05-01 08:41:42 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
Its up to you really. I would want to see them because it would drive me nuts not knowing. But if you have decided to move forward, that may not be the best idea.
What will you do? Confront them? Satisfy your curiosity? I would seriously think it through and maybe consult a professional.
Ultamately, I don't think you need to see this person. It was something you went through and positive things have occured since. Go forward not back.
Good luck and hopefully you and your wife will move forward in possitive steps.
2007-05-01 08:39:27 · answer #10 · answered by Lotus Phoenix 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋