Married Sex: Is my libido just too high, or do we have a problem?

Question

I have been married to my wonderful wife for 6 years and have a great marriage. We were both very horny virgins before marriage, both are mildly overweight, and have the typical stresses of kids and finances. I love her very much.

Even now sex still seems to be a chore as though, if I never brought it up, she would never have any desire for it. I don’t just want sex, but also a fun, invigorating, sexually prolific lifestyle and mindset. We talk about it, but only with temporary and mild results. We have sex about 3 /month, but I want sex every other day or more.

I suggest we try new things such as oral, anal, toys and out-of-bedroom locations. She seems resistant to almost everything. She is even uncomfortable speaking about sex itself. We each have painful histories with pre-marital sexuality including my sad overindulgence in porn, and her previous b/f’s always trying to get into her pants. She does get wet & climaxes, so we know the biology is working.

So, am I just perv?

Answer 1

No you are not a pervert. Quit the opposite. You obviously care about how the lack of sex or sex drive effects BOTH of you. I am willing to bet it has nothing to do with not being attracted to you. Have you tried talking to her about what she thinks might be causing this. She might be feeling unattractive even though you want her. Self esteem and body image is a personal thing and if she thinks shes not attractive it does not matter if you do. Also there may be something about her past she is not telling you. Maybe a sexual assault or abuse she does not want to talk about. If she is a healthy woman she should be able to talk about sex if she cant that is a sign that something else is wrong. Ask her if she thinks your sex drive is to much. If talking to each other is not helping you all should speak with a doc. Please let her know that you are not judging her and that you will be patient and understanding until you figure this out.

Answer 2

You said in the first sentence of your question that you have a great marriage, but that is not true. If you had a great marriage, you would be satisfied sexually. Sex isn't everything, but it is EXTREMELY important, and a marriage cannot survive without a good sex life, at least a happy one can't.

The problem is that you saved yourself for marriage, and you married someone who did the same. You should have spent your youth (18-25) playing the field, dating different women and having sex with various people. You should have had plenty of experience before getting into a serious relationship, and you should have had a sexual relationship with anyone that you considered marrying. Because you didn't, you had no idea what you were getting, and that's why you are in your present situation.

You are not a perv, you are a normal man, and your needs are not being met. You need to tell her that 3 times a month is not acceptable, and that if there is no effort on her part to correct whatever issue she has, that you are out. She obviously has issues, so suggest therapy that you both can go to. If she doesn't want to get help, leaving her would be completely justified.

Answer 3

No, you're not a perv. Neither is she. You can talk to your doctor about this, but as far as I'm aware, it's normal to want to have sex every day - although it does fall on the higher-libido side of the spectrum, and your wife is on the lower-libido side. There's a wide variation in libido that is within an accepted "normal range". And I'll tell ya, the person who figures out how to reconcile two spouses' dramatically different libidos will make millions on his invention; it seems to be one of the common problems in marriage. For some people, sex is not a huge part of their reality, and it might not necessarily mean there's something wrong with them that can be "fixed". Although, medications, health conditions, hormones can all play a role in libido. If you feel your wife might have a medical problem, you could suggest talking to a doctor; but it's a long shot. I don't really know what else to recommend, except pointing out that this is a common problem, and you're by far not alone. Sometimes the only thing that works is coming to terms with the fact that you will never have the sex life that you want, and finding something else to enjoy about the relationship; or else, calling it quits, and looking for a partner with similar sex drive and desire for exploration. I just think that trying to change your partner's attitude dramatically will be like beating your head against a brick wall. At some point, you have to stop and look for another solution.

Answer 4

I would not say that you are a perv! I feel that my sex life with Hubby is not the same. We have all the same stresses as you. He says that he would do it everyday if I would. One - I find it hard to believe since he is 10 years older than I and two- he only lasts 4 minutes most times. And I am wanting a little more than that. He just gets on, gets done and that's it. We used to do toys, different rooms, different positions all that and now, it is the same old. It has just become routine and that is part of the reason I don't want it so much anymore. Do you think maybe that is what your wife is going through? Does she know your feelings on the situation? Feel free to e-mail me if you would like to talk more, but I suggest that you find out why it has changed for her. Good Luck!

Answer 5

You may have a libido mismatch right now.

You didn't say how old your kids were, but as a recent mum I can tell you my libido dropped off the radar. I don't want to think about sex, talk about sex, or have sex. The little demanding hands pulling your hair or your nose or other bits, the constant changing of diapers, the rushed showers, etcetera - you get the idea. And even though my husband helps with these things, the constant feeling of "I need I need I need" tends to wear me down. So the last thing I want is to finally get wound down and ready for bed, to have the mumble and shoulder kiss signal "guess what I need."

I read some mum somewhere saying "I feel as sexy as the house is tidy" and started laughing because it is so true. Take a good look at your bedroom. Is it a kid-free zone - toys, progress reports, whatever? Is it comfortable and clean? Is the tv either hidden or nonexistent? Clear paper clutter and non-sexy things like medications or water bottles or whatever off the bedside tables. Make sure there's nothing like laundry baskets with clothes waiting to be folded - if there are, fold the clothes and put the basket away. Maybe sweep or run the vacuum, change the sheets and spritz a little room freshener. I know, it doesn't sound like foreplay, but there's a reason some male birds bring twigs for nest building or build nests first. Then try just going in there after the kids are settled and having a talk, maybe some mild making out, then go back to your normal nighttime routine. Yes, I know, you will probably suffer. But, if you can get her a little "loosened up" the pressure will be off, she won't feel like every time you go to reach for her you are going to want sex. Also, just plain old affectionate touch - make a big effort there, you know, pats on the back, holding hands, etcetera. Don't just sneak them in, though - make her turn round and give you a proper kiss every once in a while.

Be patient, every marriage hits a point like this, and you just have to wade through. Women sometimes have a harder time with sex than men do, for one thing we're taught not to talk about it, only bad girls do it, etcetera. Also, once the kids hit it's very hard to look at your body even if it mostly goes back to the way it was, those stretch marks and stuff don't go away.

If the psychological, husbandly effort kind of stuff doesn't work, you may want to seek counseling. You could also try the "emotional needs" questionnaires (one for her, one for him) at http://www.marriagebuilders.com/, I think they're trying to sell you a book or something but the questionnaire itself was quite helpful to my husband and myself, I was very surprised at some of his answers and hadn't realized I was doing things unintentionally that bothered him.

Anyway, best of luck.

Answer 6

No, your not just a perv. Happy couples have sex 2-3 times a week. (statistically speaking of those who filled out their survey on one of those talk shows) I am very sexual with my b/f & always have been even in my marriages. If a woman is HAPPY outside of the bedroom she is usually excited to take it INTO the bedroom. She may have a problem with lubricant or UTI, yeast infection, etc so many things can alter the vaginial walls to make sex uncomfortable or even a bit painful. Have her get a check up & let her doctor know she is only having sex 3 times a month & if it were up to her maybe NEVER...that is NOT normal unless there is a problem. Good luck

Answer 7

Six years in and only 3 times per month?
I'm with the every other day idea.
You may suggest that frequency is part of the equation.
The wife needs to understand that when you are single you try to stay virginal. She is married now and sex is normal and, for me at least, necessary.
Go to Border's and get a copy of the "Jot of Sex".
It will help with a number of your taboo areas.
Time to get some sexual maturity.

I've never been able to figure out how parents can pound on a daughter not to have sex or even talk about it for 18 years and have them turn the corner when they get married.

Answer 8

Sounds like normal life.....with a bit of a rough past mixed in.

I would sit and talk about it...Communication is key in any relationship/marriage. Tal about what you both want, and are comfortable with. She may not be as comfortable with out of the ordinary things(oral, anal, toys and out-of-bedroom locations). Go to a book store, or a site that sells books. www.adameve.com has a lot of books on lovemaking,kama sutra, etc....Read them together.

It wouldnt hurt to do this...or plan a weekend away..Just the 2 of you. Somewhere quiet, romantic, and just laid back..so you can focus on the 2 of you and not the everyday hassles of life.

If things are still not working, look up a sex therapist. They are trained for this kind of stuff. Maybe it will help, in getting you to both open up and find out the road blocks.

Sounds like you have a great marriage, which is the base....Build from that

Good luck :)

Answer 9

I understand both of your situations.. I am a mother of 3 kids ages 3 1/2,2 and 5 months.. It is proabably not that she doesn't want you it is that she is proabably just tired.. Me being a mom I have realize that if I get a chance to sit down if I am not moving it is not long before I am asleep.. Try letting a babysitter take the kids and take her out for a date (something like what you did before marriage).. My husband used to take me to the movies and out to eat so if things don't seem right he does it again and it gives me a time to focus just on him.. Instead of trying to feed the kids and change diapers, A mother will always put the kids first sorry..

Hope this helps..

Answer 10

I don't think you're a perv. Though marriage isn't ALL about sex; it does play a big part in it. Was she always like that, or has she recently changed? Are you being ROMANTIC versus just being HORNY? Maybe she has internal issues that she needs to share with someone other than you. You said she's slightly overweight, so maybe she's feeling a little uncomfortable. Constantly remind her that she's the sexiest woman in the world to you. Not only with words, but with your actions.