Back in Sept we had a big fight and I accused him of cheating on me. Well he went to the bar to deal poker( second job) and well got drunk as a skunk and well did just that , cheated. He has been hazy the last few months on what really happened, but never admitted to knowing for sure whether he did something or not. We worked through, and I forgave him( or so I thought) for even the possibility of it and moved on. I occasionally brought it up to dog him....I now realize that I never forgave him truly if I still brought it up.
This past friday night he went to a friends bday party and never came home. He finally called Monday morn to tell me that he saw the girl he slept with and everything came back. He said he couldnt come home and face me because he would have ended our marriage to let me go find someone I deserve. I am willing to truly forgive him. He just wont come home because he dosent forgive himself right now. He says he loves me, but dosent love himself right now...
2007-05-01 05:15:11 · 35 answers · asked by sifford844 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
he says he cant come home until he knows that he would never do it to me again. He says he will make the decision to come home to work on it from there, or separate for a while so he can be whole again, and can be there for me and the kids fully, and not just going through the motions.....My question is how do I show him that I love him and will wait on him to heal....I want to grab him and hold him, and he says that it pushes him....Sometimes even saying I love you pushes him....I am very scared right now. I dont want to lose a 10 year marriage because I push him to make a decision when im not meaning to.....
2007-05-01 05:20:29 · update #1
the other girl has a boyfriend and cant stand him.....
2007-05-01 05:23:28 · update #2
If he's not coming home, where is he staying? He probably remembered the one-night stand because he did it again when he saw her. He knows he is guilty but he doesn't want to forgive himself because he probably wants to do it again. He's giving you a reason to end the marriage. You're forgiving and loving and he feels small because he knows that he is capable of finding satisfaction somewhere else. You could try counseling or couples therapy and spend countless hours trying to figure out how to work through this but I think the answer is clear. I'm sorry, sister, but it's time for you to end this marriage.
2007-05-01 05:33:43 · answer #1 · answered by Kalei 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
My bf of 7yrs gave me herpes on our 2nd yr. We werent together when he slept with that girl. So, I more less no exactly what you are feeling when you say the feelings are coming back . If you can't forgive and forget then you need to move on. Because it will never work out. Meaning not bringing it up when you are in a fight and you are upset. I did that for a very long time I would throw it his face which meant I had not forgave him and at the end it was not worth it. Did it hurt that he slept with someone else?? Absolutely but guess what I dont even think about it anymore. I dont waste my energy on her and what he did. Whats done is done. If he cant forgive himself then leave him alone let him get this time to realize what he did and let him come back when he's ready dont pressure him cuz if you do he's gonna come back because you asked him and not because he wanted too. And you dont want that. The minute a man cheats and you take them back you have already forgave them. So, let it go be happy and forgive and forget as hard as it is. Good luck!
2007-05-01 05:22:37 · answer #2 · answered by ME 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Honey, You need to set up an appointment with a counselor and prepare yourself for a life without him!! He's a liar and a cheat. He doesn't feel guilty about his cheating and only trying to not face the truth about it! He probably knew that this woman was going to be at this party and was with her again there ...that is why he stayed out again all night. He just can't face you with the truth yet and wants to keep you on hold until he is with her enough to figure out if he'd rather be with you!! Don't tolerate this mental abuse from him ......tell him you have had enough and will not live this way. He is a married man running around and tearing up the marriage. He is not committed to you and working on the problems and he is having his cake and eating it to. What I would do at this point is act on something different.......let him know you are taking down the home front. Tell him you have given it some thought yourself at this point and you don't want somebody that doesn't want you! Why should you set there telling him you can forgive him for what he has done to you....and he is doing nothing but digging a whole deeper for himself! If you take him back with no consequences for his actions you are setting yourself up for deeper problems with him in your future.Get your self ready for a whole new life change and be strong. You can do this you are better and deserve more out of life than the deal he is handing you now!!! Don't enable him to hurt you and open you up for std's and God knows what else. Get mad!!!!!! Don't fall for any of his lame excuses where your life is concerned. Take your things and get out while the getting is good. Beat up a pillow, cry your heart out do whatever it takes......but,get over him! Realize that he changed your world as you knew it and things will never be the same no matter how much you want it to be! The trust is broken and you cannot count on him anymore. You can make it.....there are better men out there to respect you and treat you in a better way. In time you will realize this ....trust me! I wish you all the happiness in the world Sweetie.
2007-05-01 06:04:52 · answer #3 · answered by Lindsey 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Honey, I know you're scared right now, but I'm sorry to say that I believe he's just playing you. He must have done something with that girl again, or he would not have run off and not come home. I have to say, he's right though, to stay away from you if he's unsure if he'll do it again. It almost sounds like he wants "time" to see if he can get with her, and if he can't, he can always call you and tell you he's decided he "can be faithful and is coming home". I think it's kind of sad that you are willing to be so forgiving to someone that obviously cannot say he's truly committed to you. My advice, let him stew, and work on YOU. Act as if, and operate as if he's never coming back. That way you'll be a strong woman by the time this is done, and if he doesn't, you're still okay. Also, while you have this time, THINK about if you really want to be with someone that says himself he cannot guarantee you he won't cheat on you again. You have a very forgiving heart (almost to a fault) and you deserve so much better than a wishy washy partner. Good luck to you. FOCUS on YOU. Keep yourself busy. Play with your kids. Do things YOU love to do. Try not to make it ALL on his terms! Don't let HIM call all the shots on if YOU get hurt or not!
2007-05-01 05:30:56 · answer #4 · answered by a_lot_smarter_now 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Suggest counselling for the two of you. Even if you don't need it, he does, he needs for himself and for his love for you to do something tangible to show that what happened was an accident and that he truly is trying to make ammends.
You might be surprised, you might need it too.
"Back in Sept we had a big fight and I accused him of cheating on me. Well he went to the bar to deal poker( second job) and well got drunk as a skunk "
Sounds like you have some things to work through beyond the cheating, which is okay. It sounds like you both love each other a lot.
Counselling! When both parties are committed to working and love each other, it should work well.
2007-05-01 05:36:21 · answer #5 · answered by kheserthorpe 7 · 0⤊ 1⤋
sounds like he's stupid and on a "guilt trip" he's just looking for an excuse to tell you that he doens't want to be married to you anymore. Why wouldn't he come home? come on- someone else is already doing him so don'tw aster your time I don't beleive in that saying once a cehater always a cheater but in this case- he knew what was at the party he went to why didn't he take you?? EXACLY!! that;s my point because he knew that the gurl he was "seeing" was gonna be there and he couldn't show up with you. Note: get divorce he obviously has no intentions in working things out. If he's really sorry for what he did why would he do it again? why would he not come home the next day and at least lie to you and tell you he was so drunk he couldnt drive or something?? it's because he doens't care! he's "over you" and wants to live his life as if he were single again so give him his freedom and don't look back. This is gonna be tough for you because you probably love him alot but if doens't love you what can you do?? that's my point! move on and pray to God for a good man. He's just not the one for you because if he was he wouldn't be doing this to you.
2007-05-01 05:25:01 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
I'm sorry but this sounds really fishy. He didn't come home all weekend (and u guys are married) because he saw that girl on Friday. My gut feeling is that he slept with her again and is still with that girl. If he truly was feeling bad he would've come home, sat u down, looked in ur eyes and told you how much he loves u and how much he wants to make things work. He's playing you for a fool...please please please dont fall for that. I know u dont want to let go of a 10 year marriage and i can totally relate to that but do you really wanna spend the rest of your life with someone who you won't be able to trust. You do deserve better. Tell him he's rite and that you do deserve better and he can take his cheating a s s to the other girl...oooh..this stuff boils my blood.
2007-05-01 06:12:37 · answer #7 · answered by Luv Peace 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
True repentance comes when the person believes that they will not repeat the transgression. He now knows that he is capable of cheating, but that doesn't mean he has to. Wanting something new and exciting is totally normal but there is nothing more fulfilling than a happy marriage. Instant gratification is fleeting and will make him feel how he feels now but committing to someone and working to earn their love (everyday) will make him truly content. Tell him to visualize what life will be like when the two of you are in the twilight of your lives. Marriage is hard work and just like any job if you work at it when you are young you will be set when it comes time to retire.
2007-05-01 05:44:54 · answer #8 · answered by yuppie psychic 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
First of all being DRUNK is the oldest and lamest excuse in the book.There is NO reason,excuse or justification for cheating ever..Divorce the loser and move on.You should have more respect for yourself.He not only cheated on you once but twice WAKE up..A leopard does not change his spots..If you like being disrespected and treated like garbage then stay with him but he is a total loser..He is not coming home right now because he is enjoying himself..Trust is everything in a marriage without trust you have nothing and you obviously cannot trust him so what do you have.....
2007-05-01 05:33:42 · answer #9 · answered by Maureen B 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Are you sure he is really upset with himself and that is why he won't come home? Did you ever think he might be out with this girl again? Where is he staying? You can forgive but the truth is it is alot harder on your relationship because you will never be able to forget it. I think your husband is wrong for running away from his problem. He should be with you and try talking to work things out not staying away. To me that makes everything worse. If you want to save your marriage you should both start counseling.
OPPS.. I missed this part...here is your big clue... you said it.................
he says he cant come home until he knows that he would never do it to me again.
Time to let him go, that is not fair to you.
2007-05-01 05:38:48 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋