I only found out because his friends girlfriend told me about the boys nite out. He told everyone I knew and he got in trouble. I am 5 months preg. I feel very unattractive and this just puts the icing on the cake. It's not like he is the best husband to begin with. I haven't talked to him since I found out four days ago. I am always the one to bring up the problem and try to fix things and I am sick of it. Has anyone been in this situation?
2007-05-01 04:06:45 · 45 answers · asked by Annie S 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
He has already cheated on me. We already have one child which he does not lift a finger to help with. He does go out, not usually to strip clubs, to bars at least twice a week. I pretty much know that this marriage sucks, I guess I just need to hear it from an outside source.
2007-05-01 04:41:14 · update #1
Men like to look at something a little more than wives/girlfriends sometimes. I'd rather my fiance go to a strip club with hotter girls than me than try to nail anything in sight. Strip clubs are pure fantasy...nothing more.
You need to work on your insecurities and self-esteem and learn to just chill out. Don't pull the lame and childish silent treatment. Be an adult, let him know it hurt you, but that you're willing to understand and listen to why he went out. A man is a visual, sexual creature by nature. If you attempt to force him to suppress his fantasies, you're asking for trouble. And in the meantime, learn to be more trusting.
You're having a child with him -- grow up and act like an adult and learn to communicate.
2007-05-01 04:16:56 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 2⤋
Why don't you relax, or don't. If he's not the best husband to begin with, why are you pregnant? The other side of the story is: it's a stripclub, honey, not a whorehouse. My wife actually likes to go to the strip clubs and allows me to be me. In turn, because of the freedom she allows me, I have no reason to be rebellious against her. Is he not the best husband because he doesn't do whatever you ask. He's a man. He's never going to stop being a man. He's going to do man things. You married a man, not another woman or some little sissy guy who wears capris and takes care of your every need. Congrats on being pregnant. DOn't make it harder for yourself by not talking to him. Not a good start to a life with kids, in my opinion. If you can't talk about the problem, maybe don't bother being angry. I know these aren't the answers you want to hear, I'm sure, but take it easy. Your pregnant. Don't let it all bother you. Hubby is probably stressed out too and really won't have much freedom left in a few months.
2007-05-01 04:14:06 · answer #2 · answered by Dominic S 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
The most interesting thing you've said is "It's not like he's the best husband to begin with".......
If you truely believe that, then why did you choose to have a child with him and why are you still married?
Obviously there must be some wonderful qualities about him that you fell in love with.
In relationships when there's issues, they need to be talked about.....giving him the silent treatment is only making the problem even bigger as well as damaging your marriage.
You need to talk to him about what you're thinking and find out the real reason it happened. Find out what's going on with him....the fact you're pregnant will obviously be affecting him too.
Maybe he's scared...... the reality of becoming a father can be just as scary as it would be for a mother......this "boy's night" may have been a release of stress, feeling like the "old" times with no worries.....it may have been pure coincidence that they ended in a strip club.....maybe it wasn't about that at all for him.
I think you both need to talk..... you're having a child and need to decide what kind of environment you want that child to grow up in and what kind example you both want to set for your child when it comes to relationships.
Chi Chi x.
2007-05-01 04:42:43 · answer #3 · answered by Chi Chi 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your anger is masking the hurt you feel by his actions. Unfortunately, he probably doesn't think he did anything wrong as he was just looking and there is nothing wrong with that - we can thank society and the media for shoving that down all our throats.
It hurts because you want to be the only one he looks at in a sexual manner and men just can't quite grasp that concept and think we, as women, are being ridiculous. We're not. Men who truly value their marriages do not utitlize porn or go to strip clubs. It hurts the relationship. Men who are mature don't do things that really aren't necessary that will hurt their spouse or the relationship. He could live without strip joints and porn - but he couldn't live without food or water. Does that make sense?
Anyway - until he realizes that his behavior is hurting his marraige, he will not stop. The only thing he is thinking is he got caught in his lie because if you would not have found out, you wouldn't be angry. What is real is you are hurt because he went to the strip club. And he knows it was wrong or he wouldn't have hidden it from you.
What can you do? Only tell him how you are feeling - use I statements such as "It hurts me to know that I am not the only woman you look at in a sexual manner." "It makes me feel like I'm not good enough and I don't like to feel that way." "I would rather this type of activity stop as it isn't essential to having a good life and actually is hurting our marriage because I am incredibly hurt by this type of thing."
If it happens again, try not to take it personally as it isn't a reflection on you, it's actually a reflection on him - his immaturity.
Hang in there. You won't be pregnant forever. Your husband may also decide to behave more maturely after you talk to him in a CALM manner about how this type of behavior hurts you.
2007-05-01 04:22:08 · answer #4 · answered by Stefka 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
been there ... dont that ... i do not envy you..
does you husband know how you feel about strip clubs? are you against them or only for now because youre pregnant? being 5 months pregnant...i think that you must look really cute..all pregnant women are...something about them
you also said that he is not the best guy... maybe you need to stop and think about why you are in this marriage..if this is where you want to be .. and can you live this way for the rest of your life? life is too short if you are always going to be miserable.
guys arent worth crying over..and the ones that are, wont make you cry. i soooo believe in this saying...
a relationship should have trust, honesty, love, respect and lots of communication!!! Dr phil once said that if he does it behind your back and is afraid to tell you..thats cheating!!! he knew you wouldnt approve ... (cheating doesnt have to include sex)
you deserve to be loved and cherished...especially now while being pregnant.... try to sit and talk with him about everything you feel...but dont yell and point fingers.. try to talk it out with him. maybe write yourself a few notes so you dont go off track with the conversation... if you or he starts getting mad...you need to walk away and try again in a little while..
i wish you the best...and good luck to you and your baby...
remember...its better to have 2 happy single parents than to have the parent together and be miserable....children can feel this even at a young age...
2007-05-01 04:35:15 · answer #5 · answered by sylonthego 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Ouch. Geez....while being pregnant? Wow........I know what you mean about feeling unattractive so......that's just really not cool of him to do. & on top of it, he doesn't even try to hide it from you. If he had, he would have at least tried to not get caught.
Me, personally, wouldn't put up with it. I don't really mind strip clubs if he's going with buddies, buy trying to cover it up is something else. & it's a WHOLE different thing if I were pregnant. Even if he asked me & I were pregnant, i'd say no because that's when we can be our most sensitive & vulnerable & why even leave the door open for possible problems to arrise? & coming home at 3 is another huge no no.
I would not put up with that at all.
2007-05-01 04:26:18 · answer #6 · answered by judy bo-booty 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well the thing is do u trust your husband? He must know that U were going to be upset, other wise he would have told u himself. My view on strips clubs are they are a way to get your man ready so when he gets home he cant keep his hands off u! Try asking him if the next time he goes, u can go with him. If he says no, strip clubs are for men and it's no place for a woman, then u know he's up to no good. But if he says yeah he'd love for you to come then go have a good time and afterwards remind him why he married U!
2007-05-01 04:17:50 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
Boys will be boys.He came back home to you that is a good omen.Sometimes boys like to go out for a laugh.My wife goes out with her girlfriends I am cool with that.Yes, if it is a every night happening then the story changes.I am sure he has some lovely qualities that made you marry him. Do not let a night at a strip club blind you.When my wife comes back I always ask her how was the her night.A few times I had to go and pick my wife and her friend from a club and drop them door to door.
2007-05-01 04:21:03 · answer #8 · answered by thumba 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'd be pissed too.......that is bullsh*t. I know you don't want to feel like you are always the one bringing things up but this is just unacceptable. Don't get me wrong, I don't have a problem with guys and porn or even a strip-club visit - if there is trust, let them go stare at the boobs....but you are clearly feeling poorly about your self and your body and it was an incredibly insensitive thing for him to do.
I would raise holy hell, to be honest. And if he acted like it was no big deal, I wouldn't just let it go. Part of a marriage is understanding and compassion......how the hell would he feel if the situation were reversed? Of course, guys always say "I wouldn't have a problem with it" but we know they would. You need to tell him how that made you feel (and the fact that is was kept a secret)....
2007-05-01 04:20:11 · answer #9 · answered by Clarissa 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'd say there's some issues in your marriage and I'd give him the option of marriage counseling or divorce court.
I'm not against a man going to a strip club once in a great while, but lieing about it and staying out past the time the bars close would make me not trust him.
And what an idiot. Of all times for a man to choose to go to a strip club...it's not when you have a pregnant wife at home. Duh!!!
2007-05-01 04:16:00 · answer #10 · answered by Luv2RIDE 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋