Does not being a stay-at-home mum make me a bad mother and wife?

Question

My husband and I have been married for 5 years now and have a 3 yr old son together name Jordan. I’m a chef and decided to get back to work and open my own restaurant 6 months after my son was born. My husband’s a lawyer so he works regular 9-5 days. On an average weekday, my husband leaves for work around 8.30am and gets back 5.30 pm while I leave for work around 7pm and get back somewhere between midnight and 1am.I keep a spotlessly clean house, have a gourmet dinner on the table by the time he gets home and spend pretty much all day with our son until I have to leave for work. Last night we had a massive argument about my restaurant, which turned out to be a huge success. He told me he couldn’t do this anymore and unless something changed in regard to my working hours he wants out. Why should I have to give up all my dreams just because I have a husband and a child? Does working when I can more than afford not to make me a bad mother and wife?

Answer 1

He doesn't have a wife, he has a caretaker. Your careers should mesh more closely as far as time goes. The whole point of marriage is to be with the one you love and that requires time together.

Answer 2

I think you've got your priorities mixed up. If it's not necessary for you to work, then why would you sacrifice a happy marriage and family for the restaurant? I understand that the restaurant gives you a big sense of accomplishment and is your baby, so to speak. However, is it enough to compensate for the loss of your marriage? Your husband doesn't have a wife right now - all he's got is a housekeeper and babysitter. He wants a wife, a companion, and a home to share. I don't think the issue is that he doesn't want you to have a career or to work, but he needs for the two of you to be on a similar schedule so you can share your lives.

With your current work schedules, the two of you can never take a vacation or have a weekend together to do anything as a couple or a family. All you're doing to taking shifts babysitting and you're never together as a married couple.

I would either hire some help with the restaurant so you can be home more evenings, or give up the restaurant and find part time employment as a chef. Another option would be to refocus the restaurant to be open only at lunch time.

Answer 3

Read your own question: according to this, you have an entire hour with the man every day and that is it. This is a marriage?
I congratulate you on the success of your restaurant. I don't even want to know how it was financed and what your husband had to do with that financing. I do know that many chefs have the dream of opening their own restaurant and being successful with it. But not many can afford it.
It's great that you can spend the day with your son. You mention that you get home between midnight and one. I imagine your son could wake up around 7 a.m.,, giving you the six hours of sleep you need. You sound like someone who risks running on empty at least some of the time. To sum up: you get enough sleep, for now, and you see your husband very little. Not to minimize the importance of the time you spend with your son, as I recall, when my kids where that age, I spent a lot of time arranging play dates. As kids grow, they only get more social. So, yes, it's important that you are home with your child during the day but the days of hugging a toddler or an infant are long gone.
Instead, you're going to lose your marriage and then all that wonderful fuzzy friendly family togetherness goes right down the drain. You're headed for nannyville, lady, so why not hire a nanny right now, set your hours so that you are in your restaurant during the day and hire someone to manage and cook at night? I know you're the star then and those are crucial hours but you're missing one of the main lessons about growing a business - which is delegating effectively and taking your career up a notch with business skills instead of just cooking skills.
Think of it this way: I myself, Average Jane, could have the same hours as you do and the same hands-on job with all the stresses and absolutely have to be there - and simply be slinging hash in an all-night Denny's. Gee, I'd have your problems too! The difference is, you have a business and you want to be super-star hash-slinger and deliver the house, the kid, and a gourmet meal to your husband as you walk out the door!
This doesn't even touch the issue of 'whose job is more important' which is of course pretty central to all this. Last I checked, the law was pretty damned competitive, even for those laid-back lawyers who say from the outset that they won't bust their humps to make partner.
I'd say you should start looking for all those things that are going to 'make' your life as a single mom: nannies and a condo near the restaurant.

Answer 4

Macy, the stress of opening a new business can be enormous. Your husband is right in that he is being honest with you and the wife he thought he was getting was someone he could spend evenings with and raise a child "with" - you are right in that no one should have to give up their dreams in order to have a career or marriage. This is a very tough situation. Would you be willing to change the hours on the restaurant so that you could see your hubby more for some quality time? You know as well as I do that if you can be successful in one time slot then you could be in another. You have some decisions to make. Your husband is very close to leaving because his needs are not being met in this relationship and I think you were so busy starting the restaurant and trying to be a perfect wife that you completely missed what was happening right under your face. Try to fix this quick or there will be nothing left to fix. Sorry to have to speak so plainly but I guess this is what you have to expect on this forum -k-

Answer 5

First off, wow! Congratulations on your restaurant's success.
Are you working seven days a week? If so, I think your husband has a point. Can you not close the restaurant or get another cook in for Mondays and Tuesdays? That would give you weekend days and two evenings a week together, which strikes me as reasonable. Then maybe you can plan on meeting him for lunch (with or without Jordan) once a week or so.

Hmmm...what kind of lawyer works 9-5? All the lawyers I know/of are under considerable pressure to work much more than that, is you husband as well?

Answer 6

It doesn't make you a bad mom but you might not be meeting hubby's expectations of a "wife." For some guys you might be the perfect wife - for others maybe not so. If you and you husband had certain ideas in mind about what it means to be "married" now is the time to share them with each other. It does sound like you guys do not have much time to spend together. That can take a HUGE toll on a relationship. If he is blaming the restaurant - I think that is misguided. He is upset with you and with the life the two of you have created at this moment. What you need to do is sit down, listen to each other and negotiate a solution. If what he wants is more time with you - than you need to find a way to have a few evenings free. I am guessing his schedule is not flexible so you might have to bend. If he didn't love you - he would be happy with a clean house and a good dinner. It sounds like he misses you and wants more of your time - welcome to the working wife/mother world!

Answer 7

He was angry and frustrated and it may not have anything to do with you. See if you two can compromise by working fewer hours and since your restaurant is the success that you say it is see if there is another chef or chef assistant that you can have come and prepare some of foods, etc., to make your load lighter and to delegate some of your responsiblities to an employee who is able to handle it so that you can have a couple of nights with just your family - also you might try to open during the day on a certain day and then you can be home with him at night.

Working does not make you a bad mother or wife but we are required to balance.

Answer 8

Your husband is upset because he misses you !! That's the bottom line. After working all day, he would like to come home and spend time with his wife and child. He gets to come home, and spend his evening alone with his son, but without you. I can understand how he feels hurt about this. In his eyes, he doesn't see you giving your marriage any priority.
Wasn't marriage and children your dream too ? So then why is only the restaurant "all your dreams" ?

Do you have to work ? Is your husband able to, and does he want to be the provider for his family ? If you don't have to work, you're one lucky woman. Most women would kill to be stay at home moms.

You don't necessarily have to give up your dreams, maybe just postpone it for awhile.

Answer 9

I think family come first. Your marriage is just 5 years old with one son. Your marriage is still young and your husband still need much attention from you. Remember, he is a lawyer and face a lot legal matter in his working hours and your man need someone to talk and express his job/worry/fear or whatsoever. And a wife is the best person to share with. Regarding your restaurant, well if it is making money, appoint some one to look after it and you just drop by once a while to check.

Answer 10

I can't believe I'm about to say this. You really need to adjust your hours. If not for your marriage, for your child. He'll be getting older and he will need both parents under the same roof at a certain time. If you love your husband and you heard what he said to you, then you best go in at a time that is good for working mothers and save your marriage. If it's your restaurant, then you can change your hours and train some one to do your current hours. By the way I love the baby's name.

Answer 11

What are your goals? And his? This is a tough one. I am in a similar situation, except my wife settled for a job that pays 1/4 the pay she was making as a nurse. But, unlike you, my wife doesn't clean, cook, or pay the bills.

I personally think he feels threatened by your success. After all, think about it...You can hire someone else to do your business down the road...he, on the other hand, does not have that option. He will always have to work to pull in that income.

I would gladly take you as my wife...lol...He has it made. And you have made huge sacrifices to better your life. He needs to wake up.

Besides, I don't trust lawyers, so maybe I'm biased!