What does this mean?

Question

I've been married for nearly 2 years. I have an ex boyfriend whose mom still sends me "how are you doing" emails. They're not a big deal - and I usually hear from her once every 6 months. This has been going on for the last 5 years, since my relationship with her son ended. At first I was fine with it...and would write back and let her know how me and my husband were doing. She would always write about her son, letting me know what was new in his life. About 6 months ago he got married as well. I have since asked her if it's OK that we continue emailing - feeling a little strange now that we're both married. She said she wondered about that too so she asked her son and he was fine with it. What does that mean exactly? One of my friends said he still has feelings for me. We dated for nearly 2 years and he wanted to marry me, I turned him down because I didn't feel he was the one. Less then a year later I met my now husband. Thoughts??

I just want to add that I feel so weird about the whole situation now that I'm not writing to her. I almost feel like it's time to just move on entirely.

Answer 1

My situation is a little different than yours, in that I have a child with my ex-boyfriend. That being said, his mom has always been in contact with me. We dated for about the same time 2 years.

Does she hope that the two of you would get back together? Its possible.

Does she consider you to be the best thing that has ever happened to her son?
Perhaps.

It could also be that she has formed a bond with you, a bond that she doesn't want to lose because of the breaking up of you and her son.

I don't really know what advice to give. There could be many reasons for it. He could indeed have feelings for you. If you truly love someone, it isn't something that can go away easily.

Answer 2

I do think your ex still has feelings for you - if he didn't, he wouldn't want his mom writing to you. A few people on here answered that since he is now married he no longer has feelings for you - that is not true! Lots of people get married for the wrong reasons and because they are afraid no one better is going to come along. This guy probably got married only because he knew you were taken and no longer available - and he's not getting any younger. His mom probably convinced him that this girl was good enough to marry. That being said, I don't know - I think the contact should probably end. I think it's good you're not writing back to her anymore because it just allows for him to know everything that's going on with you. It's basically a tracking system - and it's the nice way of doing it...having his mom email you is a lot more innocent then him actually emailing you. But I do sense there is a strong bond between you and his mom - and it would be a shame to lose that just because it seems awkward. Do what your heart deems as best. Writing every 6 months is a pretty good deal, it's not like she's writing every week. I agree with the guy who writes that he is "bullpenning" - I think your ex is bound and determined to keep you in his life in some way and if emailing his mom is how that's working, that seems to be what's happening here.

Answer 3

You are walking a very dangerous line.

How would your husband feel if he knew you were talking to you're ex online? Suspect, even if he didn't SAY it bothered him, it would bother him. You would create a problem in your marriage that you don't need.

You are entering a very tough year in marriage. Year 2 and three are the years where most people get divorced. Now is NOT the time to be taking up with an ex boyfriend. Even online.

There is too much opportunity to be tempted to do things that might jeapordize your marriage without adding an ex boyfriend to the mix.

And if this ex DOES still have feeling for you , so what? HE needs to deal with that. And it would be VERY cruel of you to encourage any kind of relationship with him if he still has feelings. You are putting HIS marriage in jeapordy as well. Do you want to be the reason his marriage breaks up? Can you live with that?

Cut off contact with this man completely. Explain to his mom that you thought about it and you don't think it's fair to either of your spouses to continue contact.
If you need to keep in touch with his mom (I question your reason for this....have you really let go of this guy?) then keep it to a minimum of contact. Do not share with her ANY problems that you might have with your marriage. First, it's none of her business and second, she may be encouraged to tell her son (maybe she doesn't like his wife and wishes the two of you were married). That will open up a can of worms.

In a nutshell, knock it off. You're just starting trouble.

Answer 4

Nothing wrong with it at all. Just because your relationship broke down with your ex doesn't mean your friendship with his mother should. You felt uneasy and asked, it was a good response that she wondered too. The fact that she asked her son doesn't mean anything she might not want to upset him wither. He's fine with it, sounds as if he didn't know anyway. If you are uneasy still either ask her not to pass on details or don't tell her some things. I still go for a drink with an ex's mother from 15 years ago. We great friends and yes have met his kids and wife, just cause we broke up didn't mean it had to all end badly and no one talk to each other again. Too much of that in this world today.
So basically, if you OK with it the mother is OK with it your husband OK with it and your ex is OK with it............ think you know the rest
Enjoy life don't burn bridges that are dangerous.

Answer 5

I think you are reading way to much into that. He's fine with his mom e-mailing you every 6 months. It just means that he is secure in his life and he knows his mom likes you and she wants to keep some contact and he's OK with it. It doesn't really mean he's secretly still in love with you. It probably has more to do with the fact that he thinks his mother is an adult and can do what she wants. Move on. Your friend reads too many romance novels.

If you want the e-mailing to stop ,then just tell her. But I'm unsure why it was OK until he got married. You were married all along, so why is it so bothersome now for you?

Answer 6

U found no harm but u din realise , that u were probably feeling guilty about not marrying him n he still n having feelings for you... so u wer talking to his mom which was a way of feelin good about urself when she would say he is doing good..His mom also was probably thinking u might wana go back to him ..so she was checking on your married status once in 6 months...now that he is married , his mom would have started feelin secure that her son is happy without u and she doesnt need to check on if u r available still.. n u asked if its fine coz u also was relived to hear he too has a family now...nothing serious..i think his mom was still looking fwd to hear that ur marriage isnt working so that she can hook up her son to u.... it really shudnt matter now whether u e-mail or not as long as it doesnt affect your relationship with ur husband ...now u both r married. u left him only coz u knew he isnt one for u.. dont make any decision that can hurt ur loving husband n newly married wife of ur ex....it past...if one of my friends said he still has feelings for me, i wouldnt believe it, unless he told me in person....he is married coz am sure he will like his wife ..feelings for u will degrade slowly as now she is important part of his life as u r to ur husband...u shud be thinking about ur husband not ex

Answer 7

you are reading too much into it. I think it means nothing at all. He could probably care less about you in that way, and doesnt mind if his mom emails you or not. If you like the lady email her. If she makes you uncomfortable talking about her son let he know that you love emailing her but you would like to limit emails to your life and her life only not her son's.

Answer 8

If you truly like his mom as an individual apart from her son and can maintain a relationship with her, again, apart from her son, then I see no problem.
If it was ok when one of you was married, it should still be ok now that both of you are married.

Answer 9

It sounds like she doen't want to give up on the relationship with you and her son. Politely tell her this is not healthy for you and your family and it is not healthy for her and her family to continue to keep in touch. It would be different if you had her son's child, but you don't, so tell her you have to get on with your life as well as he has to get on with his life and you can also tell her that you hope she feels the same way towards his wife as she does for you as his ex.

Answer 10

maybe she just wants to be friends because she liked you when your were together with her son. she probably talks about her son because that's your common link to her or because friends talk about things like family. if he's married i would think that any romantic feelings he had towards you would be gone by this point. it doesn't bother him so as long as your comfortable with it i would continue the friendship. hopefully she has a good relationship with her son's wife or else his wife may resent you and ask his mom to stop talking to you!