and I can't handle him pleasing another woman. It seems that it is always in his mind and that's what he always want. I know that he loves me, but I don't understand him. We've only been married for 3 years and he is always presuring me> When we are making love, he says that he fantasies about groups and swingers. if we plan to go out to a regular place he doesn't want to but if I it is with swingers or meet people for swing, he is always ready to go....I'm very confused about him....I don't need another man to have sex with, but it seems that he needs more than one woman......
2007-05-01 02:32:32 · 20 answers · asked by Lady 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Additional partners in marriage is only ok if both agree. It is never one sided.
You have to be firm and tell him bluntly that you don't want to lead a lifestyle like that and you value a monogamous relationship. Make him understand that you will never agree to this.
If he cannot agree, and still insists that you do it, then I would say it's time to move on.
One woman, one man. Sounds wonderful doesn't it?
2007-05-01 02:41:53 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 1⤋
Maybe it's not having sex with other women as much as you having sex with other men that is a turn-on for him. You might just be assuming it's just the other women that is the turn-on for him.
Have you sat down and actually discussed why swinging turns him on? What about is a turn-on? That is the first step to finding out what is going on in his head. And of course, do not make it into an argument or be confrontational. Just ask and accept any answer he gives you as being right to him, even if it makes no sense to you. Remember, you are different people, and therefore you will have different likes and dislikes.
Otherwise, if you are not into it, then he shouldn't pressure you. One of the big rules of swinging is "if it doesn't work for BOTH of you, then it doesn't work for either of you." Another is "you go at the pace of the slowest person in the relationship". Simply, the one that is more advanced in their desire to swing has to reign-in their wants in respect for their spouse who may not be at the same level of comfort with the idea yet... or may never be.
For some great information that may help you figure this whole thing out between you check-out The Swingers Board forums. There is lots of good stuff there about swinging from veterans and newbies alike.
2007-05-02 08:29:27 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I haven't read the other answers, but I'm sure I'll have to go back and edit so that I can vent. :)
Hmmm...well, Mr. PushyPants isn't doing himself any favours here. He may think he's up for swinging, but obsessing about it doesn't mean a damn thing. Except maybe that his focus is on the wrong thing. If he thinks swinging is about wild weekend parties where you drop your drawers, inhibition...and morals...at the door and it's a non-stop animalistic orgy until the wee hours of Sunday morning, he's going to be vastly disappointed.
One mistake that most swinger candidates make is thinking that they need to shut off their emotions and become robot-like or depraved in order to be able to do this with a clean conscience. Nothing could be further from the truth. In fact, if you find you have to do this, it means you're denying (or trying to deny) that you have negative feelings about the whole activity. Swinging can be done in a healthy, whole, and fulfilling way but not if anyone involved harbours negative feelings about what he or she is doing there in the first place.
It sounds like you aren't ready for swinging, and further, that you have no interest in becoming ready for it. You sound happy the way you are. If this is the case, please, please, please do NOT allow yourself to be dragged into swinging just to keep him happy. It will only lead to resentment and heartache and ugly thoughts that you can't erase from your memory. Tell him flat out that you are NOT INTERESTED. Or if you are somewhat curious about it, tell him to BACK OFF! You need time and space to explore the whole thing at your own pace and comfort level. And YOU will let HIM know when you're darned good and ready! If he persists in pressuring you, drastic action needs to be taken. Let him know that you feel disrespected by his persistance and that you take it as a sign that he has no resepect for you, your needs or your feelings. Ensure he knows that it's not the swinging that is coming between you; it's his bloody pushiness! Do NOT stand for it, girl! If swinging has taught me anything it's that we are each responsible for our own happiness, and if we don't stand up for ourselves, no one can read our minds and do it for us. Stand up or get stepped on. That's about it.
BTW, the fact that he's interested in swinging doesn't mean he's fallen out of love with you. You said you know he does. I'd liken his obsession to a 10 year old kid getting caught up in a new video game and he eats, sleeps and breathes TurboThrasher III, and all he can think about right now is how to conquer level 6. Time to pull the plug on him and wake him up.
Please see the website below for more advice and info. It's a terrific message board and the people there are experienced, knowledgeable and very friendly.
Best of luck to you both.
THE PROMISED EDIT>> You don't get sexual attraction to others "out of your system" by screwing yourself senseless when you're single. All that will do for you is get you jaded, pregnant, and/or loaded with at a couple of STD's that, if you're LUCKY, can be cured with industrial strength antibiotics. I never understood this argument, that singles should "get it out of their system" before they marry. Wonderful. Herpes: just what every new bride wants for a wedding gift. Maybe we should be preaching balance and moderation instead of sexual gluttony or starvation. As long as it can be done in a way that it doesn't harm the relationship, the people in it, or others who are involved, it's not for anyone outside of the situation to say whether or not it's right.
2007-05-01 08:45:38 · answer #3 · answered by intuition897 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Saying this from a man point, he is still on the wild run.He should have gotten this out of his system before he asked to marry you.If you 2 are having great sex why would he look else where or even want to share you with some else. I think your hearing it right, he wants to cheat with permision.If you want a real relationship, a family and kids, this ain't the dad matieral. Good luck, I'm sure your better than this.
2007-05-01 02:48:46 · answer #4 · answered by marten481 1 · 1⤊ 2⤋
Wow,If u dont want to do it anymore then he should understand that. U should be enough for him as he should be enough for u...Have u told him that u dont like it? I wouldnt put up with it..First, of all theres no way in hell my husband with be touching another woman..What we have together is special and private...U know that he loves u,but is he in love with u? Is he willing to put ur well beings before his? Think about this...I dont understand why couples get married and cheat or swing with others...What the point in getting married if u want to be with others? I would also read ur bible...
2007-05-01 02:43:39 · answer #5 · answered by Froggie Girl 2 · 2⤊ 2⤋
I see trouble on the horizon. I was married for 10 Years. One of the first signs that it was falling apart was when she suggested that we swing.
Although we didn't do it, it was a indication that she wasn't content with our relationship. She eventually went swinging on her own!
A stable relationship should be monogamous if not, get ready for guaranteed problems.
This is an early warning sign. I suggest that you nip this at the bud. See a counselor.
2007-05-01 02:44:27 · answer #6 · answered by danobain 1 · 2⤊ 2⤋
Maybe he has a sexual addition. You shouldn't do anything that you are uncomfortable doing. You might have to walk away from this one. Why did he get married if he wants to have other women? Marriage is all about monotony - oops, I meant monogamy - Just kidding, but that's the way it is. He should have stayed single if he knew you didn't want to swing w/ him.
2007-05-01 02:37:56 · answer #7 · answered by workingclasshero 5 · 3⤊ 2⤋
Get a divorce before he gives you STD's and more. He doesn't Respect you as a woman or a wife! Don't give in to his wants and fantasies, it will only make you feel worse about yourself. I'd be running to the attorney's office!
2007-05-01 03:07:34 · answer #8 · answered by Luv2RIDE 4 · 1⤊ 2⤋
Was he like this before you got married?
It would appear that even if you don't agree to swing, he is going to have multiple sexual partners either with or without you.
And if isn't a lifestyle you want, then you may consider getting out.
2007-05-01 02:38:42 · answer #9 · answered by Ella 7 · 3⤊ 2⤋
i agree with both anwsers below. It's not healthy for your marriage. You need to be together only if you want to continue to be married. If not then get a divorce then he can swing as much as he wants and you can find a man that only needs one women.
2007-05-01 02:40:22 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 2⤋