Am I out of line?

Question

OK, so my husband and i have been having problems for a year. We've been begging each other for more from eachother and neither of us has given in...not because we don't want to but that we are waiting for the other to give in first...I know childish. I guess the problem has come that my husband told me he gave up on me being better so he started going out every wednesday after work and now has started going out on the weekend too. I told him I have a problem with the weekend because that is our time as a family to work on things. But he says everyone else goes out more and it is no big deal. He has been asking me not to argue with him but I can't seem to stop myself. I am so scared and so unsure of really where he is the relationship. He says he wants to try but doesn't do anything...he just keeps going out, keeps talking to whomever whenever and just ignores me. He says he isn't because he comes home everyday. I can't help but get so angry and and start to yell at him.

Then he gets mad again and says this is why he can't help me because I am crazy, lunatic, maniac, sociopath, ridiculous,etc. The thing is he wants me to give him a break with the arguing but I don't really think that he is giving any effort to help get us out of this problem. When he gets home he plays on the computer and doesn't even give me a kiss hello or good-bye. He doesn't call from work and if I call he says he has to go after a minute. He doesn't even initiate sex, but if I do he will have sex. I guess I wonder am I out of line for expecting a little bit more from him than "I'm trying" or "I'm doing anything wrong by going out"? How do I get him to understand how hard it is not to talk about this when he gives no impression that he is wanting things to get better just that he wants me to give in to him. I know I shouldn't wake him up screaming but that is the only time he doesn't walk away. Help me...am I wrong to want more than he thinks he can give. Am I selfish?

Answer 1

Sounds like your husband has made up his mind about the marriage. Counseling could do you both a world of good. If your husband won't go, go without him. You need to figure out if you want to stay in this relationship or move on.

Answer 2

Are you wrong? No. But you are going about it all wrong. Nobody wants to be berated and yelled at all the time. It makes him feel like the child and he's rebelling against his controlling mom. That seems to be where you are right now. He is also not really trying. He is pushing your buttons by doing things he knows will upset you and then blames you for being upset. The saying goes if you can't beat them, join them. Ask him if you guys can start a date night every Saturday or Friday, or any day. Whatever day the two of you can agree on and go out and have some fun. Try to be friends again. You need to calm down a bit. Don't yell at him every time he upsets you. He may stick around when you are yelling, but he isn't listening. He's planning his escape in his mind. Lower your voice when you have an issue and talk calmly. If he won't listen drop it for the moment and schedule a time when the two of you can talk about it and try to resolve it. Don't scream at him until he wants to flee.
it seems there's a bit of a disconnect on his part on the emotional level. He just probably feels like he's going through motions, but he's not really there. He needs to be willing to let you back in. Date night would help that, if you can have fun on the dates and don't fight. If he's not willing to let you in, then more than likely this marriage is headed for a divorce. If you can reconnect on an emotional level his weekends out will become less frequent and he may even want you to go with him. He probably wants a partner/lover, not a mother that yells at him all the time. You want the same thing I'm sure. You guys just need to start communicating. Not you yelling and him standing there until your are done. You need to hear each other.

Answer 3

You guess the problem is when he goes out on the weekend? No, the problem is the stupidity! My husband and I have "held out " as well to see who would give first. I am a woman and he is an idiot of a man, so for the sake of my sanity and my children and my marriage I recently gave in. All the things he has asked for I am doing. It is taking him a while to get used to the new me and he has not given me a thing I asked for yet, but he will come around. You let it get too far now, and now you have an even bigger problem of him going out. Dont bother him for going out. When he gets home, make it very inviting for him. Cook, clean, be nice. Do your part in what he has been asking of you all along. Eventually he will start going out less and then eventually he will start doing the things you need from him. Good luck.

Answer 4

Yelling and arguing only push people away and doesn't accomplish a thing. If you were willing to talk, maybe he would be more willing as well. If you can't do this, then you must find counseling to work through it either alone or together. It sounds as if he has already separated from you so you can't expect that he really wants to work it out but you really do need some help with your anger and insecurities. You will be a better future partner for someone if you do.

Answer 5

In a marriage the husband and wife should be working as partners - as a team. It seems like you're both looking at things in terms of what you think is best for yourselves. If both of you stay on this path you'll end up in divorce court. What you need is a neutral third party to help you learn to work together and also how to constructively communicate with each other. That means marriage counseling. If he won't go, go for yourself.

In the meantime, stop ranting and raving at him. You know it doesn't work and, in fact, makes things worse. You can't change how someone else behaves, but you can change how you react.

Answer 6

It sounds to me as though neither of you are very willing to improve your marriage. Neither of you will give in first to work on your marriage? Yes, that's childish. And hopefully you will put away your childish ways, and take a good look at what you want here. Do you want to be married to each other? If the answer to that question is yes, then it's time to start looking at your marriage through the eyes of an adult. If you don't care any longer, keep going the way you're going. You're both doing a fantastic job of letting your marriage fall apart.

Answer 7

Sounds like you had a chance to meet him halfway, but you're both to stubborn to "give in" so he moved on. It appears neither of you is willing to give the other what you so desperately need. He's out there looking with your blessing, and now he's ramped it up to the weekends too. Your weekends are your time to "work on things?" Sounds to me like you're working alone. His hurtful words and his actions are a sign that he doesn't care for you anymore and he's enjoying the best of both worlds till you drop the hammer. He only comes home because he can and he has to to keep what he has. Time to decide what you want to do. Salvage this marriage and end this behaviour or move on. Sounds like he already has.

Answer 8

OMG we are married to the same man. My husband hasnt actually left our marriage but he is not available to me. He is angry at the world and I catch the brunt of it....or did. What I have learned..... my man functions in the world of respect and chain of command. Nagging doesnt work. Begging doesnt work. He likes to do things on his terms---which are very very different from mine. I looked into Gary Smalleys personality types (goldenretriever, otter, lion and beaver) and found out he is a golden and I am a lion. So I am very action oriented and want to fix it NOW. I would rather do something wrong than do nothing. He is a golden, loyal and a watcher. When he has a problem he retreats to a comfortable rug to think about it and watch other people. But h e is also very very sensitive and when thats out of wack he is insecure. When my lion is out of wack I am bossy and pushy (too task oriented). Understanding that and reading his book helped me be more aware. But I decided I needed reinforcements....so I bear with me....

I read stormie omartian's book, power of a praying wife. And yes, praying for my husband and asking other women to pray with me for my marriage has helped. It has taken 3 yrs. But since my husband was ignoring me anyhow I decided I could spend a little time away from him working on this....I joined a church and a womens ministry group so that I could ask other women what they were doing different from me.

I now firmly believe that where ever there are good people in the world--there will be an attack from the enemy (call it a lower power, the devil, ego or whatever you want). But why would your DH be so under attack except that he has a light---a really good heart and spirit that is the person you married but right now he is in the darkness and acting like an aerse. Mine wouldnt divorce me because he's a good guy....but he kept getting involved with various committees and going to local bars, etc. The heartbreak of that and the pain of saying it outloud was breaking me. I would accept all his excuses for not participating and I would help make excuses for him to avoid the pain (though I didnt realize I was doing it at the time).

Today we are still working on a balance---I needed to stop being so dependent on him. I needed to put God first, myself next and then my husband----and that was the big one. Every thought, every thing that happened I thought call "Ned". He is sensitive so he took it all on as burdens. But when I put my focus on God and started praying for blessings for my husband and protection for him and our home.....things changed. He went to church with me last weekend. We have had weeks of peace in our home at a time. I got my first genuine apology ever. You dont have to live this way......

You can take on the answer of the world and leave him. Or you can take on the answer from the Lord, who blesses and wants reconciliation. the choice is yours. I will be praying for you.

Answer 9

Honey, please do not be fooled. He is going out to meet other women. When it gets to the point where you can do nothing right and EVERYTHING you say is an argument-- These are all signs. He lets you know that he does not care about your feelings by going out every weekend. There is nothing for a MARRIED man to do at bars and clubs on the weekend but CHEAT

Answer 10

Reading this and your other questions, you've got some issues in your marriage a counsellor would be able to help.

Go by yourself if he won't go.